Somewhere in the Motorola marketing department, someone had the idea to give all the new Motorola cell phone models capitalized four-letter model designations that read like real words after a half-assed vowelectomy.
So we now have the RAZR (super-thin), the ROKR (built-in iTunes), the PEBL (smooth like a river stone), and so on.
I was thinking, why stop there? Why not use the concept for some more purpose-designed phones?
LUZR: Has no number pad, and only two speed dial buttons: MOM, and COMIC BOOK STORE.
WNKR: Comes with streaming video capabilities and lifetime subscription to the biggest 100 mobile porn sites.
POZR: Looks like an iPhone, but the touch screen is a mockup. $9.95 list price.
PMPR: Built-in GPS that shows the location of your ho’s at all times.
TAZR: “Emergency” button fires a barb that discharges the entire remaining battery capacity of the phone into an attacker.
LIQR: GPS map system only has liquor stores and bars in its Points of Interest database; speed-dials nearest attorney and bail bonds automatically when owner is pulled over for DUI.
BOMR: Can only receive incoming calls; comes in convenient detonator shape with built-in one-time use sticky pad.
KEGR: Only available through the Greek system at your university. Has Daddy’s lawyer on the #1 speed-dial. Secret compartment for fake ID and roofies.
Feel free to share your own ideas, and I’ll give you a slice of the royalties.
22 Comments
July 26, 2008 at 7:57 am
NAGR: Direct line to wife, mother in law and priest/minister/imam.
RICR: Comes with limited edition type-R stripe package, spinning buttons, and the ring sounds like a cow farting in a tin bathtub.
CRKR: Only comes in white. Ringtones include Dixie, dueling banjos and “GIT R DONE!”.
July 26, 2008 at 8:04 am
Ooh…those are good.
July 26, 2008 at 9:41 am
Will you share the royalties with me?
July 26, 2008 at 10:16 am
HOSR – Analog only Canadian model. Bi-lingual user interface. (French and Canadian)
DOPR – Oversized battery compartment for stash storage, hollowed out antenna can be used as one hitter.
HUGR – Eco-friendly solar powered. Casing made from recycled hemp. Prepaid plans only, minutes available at Starbucks.
JUMPR – Finally! Now you can proselytze to every CDMA and GSM cell phone within 1000 yards at the press of a button! 512MB memory preloaded with entire library of Chick Tracts. Bilingual interface. (English and Glossolalia)
Text-er. – Full size USB keyboard allows you to actually capitalize! And punctuate! Vowel inclusive plans start at $5.99 a month.
IPSCR – Full featured shot timer! WiFi interface uploads match scores to web as matches are being shot!
IDPAR – Same as IPSCR but must be used behind cover where cover is available. Battery changes must retain the old battery unless it is completely empty. Belt holsters must meet the following guidelines…
I’d actually re-up for another two years for an IPSCR!
I think I heard that Cricket is bringing out the RICR this Christmas. I mean CRSMS.
Joe
July 26, 2008 at 10:20 am
Okay, HUGR made me blow snot out my nose…
July 26, 2008 at 11:45 am
…and, y’know, I’d buy a TAZR. Astound your friends! Confound your enemies! Fun at parties!
July 26, 2008 at 1:19 pm
How about SHTR? Two models, one in Evil Black/7.62mm thick for us, and one in Democrat Brown with a diaper for Senators Obama and Kennedy?
July 26, 2008 at 1:46 pm
[...] cellphone naming looks to me like the abbreviated names used in stock price tickers. the munchkin wrangler has a different take & a few alternative options! Posted by dave Filed in [...]
July 26, 2008 at 2:16 pm
HAKR – preinstalled ringtone informs Mr. The Plague that the Gibson is under attack.
HNTR – Only works in Bat Country. Basic plan includes quart of rum, upgrade adds salt shaker full of cocaine.
BAUR – Includes a special circut activated when the call is ended to politely explain that the call is over as the user does not have time to conclude the conversation in a civilized manner.
VOTR – Roughly 30% work, the rest only display “Why bother?” on the screen.
HPSTR – Already on the market under the brand name iPhone.
July 26, 2008 at 2:47 pm
it does look like the luzr and pozr were copyrighted at tam’s exactly two years ago to the day, that’s weird…better call out the esq.’s!
jtc
July 26, 2008 at 3:01 pm
KNKY: Smooth and slender, no ringtones – vibrate only.
July 26, 2008 at 3:10 pm
jtc,
we came up with those in collaboration, so they’re fair game for use by either party. (Or so says my lawyer, Guinevere Dachshund, Esq.)
July 26, 2008 at 3:52 pm
BUGR. Doubles as a nose-hair trimmer.
FUKR. Runs Windows Vista.
TIGR. The tops are made of rubber, the bottoms are made of springs!
July 26, 2008 at 4:18 pm
LONR: The Nokia 2100 Battery Brick you get while you’re having your RAZR repaired for the 97th time.
July 26, 2008 at 6:11 pm
LWYR: direct line to g. dachshund, esq.
jtc
July 26, 2008 at 9:52 pm
jtc,
Marko and I have riffed off of each other’s gags for so long now that it’s hard to tell whose material is whose anymore, and I know we’ve both used plenty of material stolen from my ex, who was a funny, funny guy. It all runs together after a while.
When Marko becomes a famous author, I’m going to sell the old laptops I bought from him that have rough drafts on them. It’s part of my retirement plan…
July 27, 2008 at 8:07 am
THMPR: For the Bible Thumper, calls home or any church (selectable denomination) picked up on GPS.
July 27, 2008 at 8:20 am
FNKR: Can be set so that anytime the built-in GPS registers that the phone is located at a strip bar or outlet mall or other preselected problem location, it calls the other phone on the Family Plan Package and informs it of its whereabouts.
July 27, 2008 at 9:16 am
SQZR: tam’s ex’s direct line to his own esq. to set up his retirement plan based on her in-print confession…
jtc
July 27, 2008 at 11:33 am
DRNKR: Automatically dials one’s ex at 0400 to pour out a heartbroken ramble about how one should never have left.
PIKR: Dials a contact from the phone book, and on pickup plays a sample saying “Can you call me back? I’m almost out of credit” then hangs up.
TOSR: Extra-quiet mic and speaker to make sure you yell your head off in bars, on public transport, and best of all at the movies.
July 28, 2008 at 11:07 am
Ya made me spew ma soup ya did.
Wait what about BGGR – no special features, but no one would steal it cuz they’d have to touch it.
July 29, 2008 at 9:22 am
well, this string has been done to death, but this one is too good to pass up (and i’ll be holding you to your shared royalty promise)…
JAMR: doesn’t make calls, but at the press of a button, it jams and deactivates every other cell phone in a radius variable from 10ft to 100yds…imagine eating a restaurant dinner or watching a movie undisturbed by stupid ringtones and innane yakking…and how about the good clean fun of jamming up the idiot walking around having a ghost conversation with one of those idiotic bluetooth things in his ear?
YEAH, baby, this one is a WINNER!
jtc