happy april the first.

Well played, The Guardian:

The Guardian to switch from print entirely to Twitter.

A mammoth project is also under way to rewrite the whole of the newspaper’s archive, stretching back to 1821, in the form of tweets. Major stories already completed include “1832 Reform Act gives voting rights to one in five adult males yay!!!”; “OMG Hitler invades Poland, allies declare war see tinyurl.com/b5x6e for more”; and “JFK assassin8d @ Dallas, def. heard second gunshot from grassy knoll WTF?”

(Via Mur Lafferty…on Twitter, of course.)

that’s in pesos, right?

Looks like Castle Frostbite is about to get the new roof it needs.  We just got the definite quote from the (highly recommended) roofer we’ve tasked with the job, and work will commence as soon as it gets a little warmer.

We’re getting a rubber roof, which is the only solution that’s suitable for our low-pitch roof.  It’ll be a Sarnafil thermoplastic roof with an inch of insulation underneath.  They’ll also redo our cracked chimneys while they’re at it, and then replace the interior ceilings that have been damaged by the leaks.

Total price tag: nineteen thousand dollars.  Whee!

I can think of a lot of things I’d rather buy with that money than a roof that should have been watertight when we bought the joint a year and a half ago, but we don’t really have a choice.  I don’t think I can live through another winter with towels and water buckets in various spots all over the house.

Besides, might as well spend it while the dollar is still worth something, right?  I mean, the way things are going, we’ll all be billionaires in ten years, and grocery prices will be marked in scientific notation.

hunting the fail whale.

Last night, I said on Twitter:

Good thing government bailed out the whaling industry in the late 19th century. Where would we get lamp oil now?

If government in the 1800s had handled the whaling industry like they’re now handling the car and financial industries, we’d have the tenth generation of whalers on Nantucket right now, collecting government checks for sitting at home and going to the Whaler’s Union job center twice a month to slap a new coat of paint onto whaling ships that haven’t seen water in a century.  They’d also make sure their kids would have an opportunity to get into “whaling”, and we’d all still be paying off the money our government borrowed over a hundred years ago to prop up an industry that was Too Big To Fail.

monday search term safari XLV.

i want to jack off with other people

Get yourself elected to Congress, and you can participate in weekly group circle jerks that will be broadcast nationally via C-SPAN.

neo alpha smart limitations

Its main limitation is that it can’t do anything except for text.  If that’s all you want to do, then the Neo is the berries.  If you need to also go on the Intertubes, or waste your writing time with Solitaire or Left 4 Dead, then the Neo is not for you.  Think of it as an electronic, paperless typewriter.

“roger waters” us citizen?

Roger Waters is a citizen of the United Kingdom, which is why I found it more than a little annoying when he was exhorting American concertgoers to vote for a particular candidate for President of the United States.  Can you imagine the uproar if an American musician were to play a gig in the UK, and put up giant balloons in front of the stage that told people to vote for the Tories?  The outrage!  Those arrogant Americans, thinking they can tell people in other countries how to vote!

“price fixing” marx

Karl Marx was a spoiled kid from a well-to-do family.  He lived on inherited money and regularly mooched off his pal Friedrich Engels.  Marx had no experience with factory labor (or labor of any kind), and no clue about economics.  In modern times, he would be one of those annoying upper middle class campus commies running around with a Che Guevara t-shirt, and annoying people with half-baked (but strongly held) opinions on the plutocratic capitalist exploiters of the working class.  The fact that someone thought Marx’s theories to be a solid foundation for a society is simply mind-boggling.  Marx is the last source I’d consult for opinions on “price fixing”.

737 eyebrow

The Boeing 737 has little windows in the upper part of the cockpit that are called “eyebrow windows”.  They’re for improving visibility in turns.  Some pilots find them annoying because they let in sun glare, so they sometimes get covered up with maps or newspapers.

irish penance and military

It’s called an Irish Pennant, and it refers to the little stubs of thread sticking out from clothing.  Irish Pennanting a garment means plucking/cutting off all the loose thread ends.

jacking off no porn

Dude.  Dude.  You’re typing this search term into a web browser.  On a computer.  That’s connected to the Internet.  You know, the largest and most effective delivery mechanism for porn in human history.  Figure it out, or return that computer to the WalMarts, and use the money for a subscription or two of legacy porn, the kind that comes on paper.

what countries have grudges on france

On Earth, nobody cares enough about the French to work themselves up in a lather about the cheese-eating surrender monkeys, as long as they keep their snail grease-coated fingers to themselves, and stay in their wine-soaked reservation between Belgium and Spain.  The sentient amphibians on Capella Ac, however, are going to have a strong word with the French once our civilizations make contact.

potty training word list

That would be “poop”, “pee”, “potty”, and “I’ll break your little fingers if you pee into your new underwear one more time, capisce?”

(I kid, I kid.  We don’t break fingers for such minor offenses around here.  We reserve the finger-breaking for back-talking and failing to line up for morning inspection before grub.)

philadelphia live girls sex booths 2009

Those are far more successful than the dead girls sex booths they had installed in 2008. 

(On a side note, I have no idea what some guys find arousing about strip clubs.  It’s like going to a restaurant where they charge $10 for a bottle of beer and $200 for a meal, and you’re only allowed to look at the food on your plate.)

mel gibson safari adventure 3

I think I know that game.  Is that the one where you start out behind the wheel of a BMW with a .020 BAC, and you have to dodge DUI patrols while shouting increasingly complex antisemitic slurs?

 

Well, that’s it for today, folks!  Tune in again next week, and don’t forget to keep feeding those search terms into The Google, so I have stuff to mine next week.

saturday fluff poll.

Today’s poll is just a harmless, uncontroversial poll about animated movies.  What could possibly go wrong with this one?

gender’s got nothing to do with it.

• Please recommend a conceal handgun for a man
• Men and home defense
• Why to choose a gun before choosing a man
• Slim gripped auto for young man
• .45 for a man
• Target revolver suggestion for a man
• Why a handgun is better than a man
• Any suggestions for man wanting gun?
• Does being prepared to protect himself make a man less masculine?
• Young single man carry?
• What’s the best caliber and gun for a man?
• 9mm for a man?
• The Little Man says he wants a .380…
• Shotgun for a man
• Can a man shoot the USP Compact .40 well?
• Good home defense handgun for a man?
• A handgun for men
• Men and concealed carry?
• Are guns useful to men for self-defense?

Anything bug you about those statements?  If you’re a male, do you read through that list, and ask yourself “What does my gender have to do with that?” on most of those bullet points?

Well, welcome to the world of guns and the shooting sports…as seen from the other side of the gender fence.  Those are all thread titles from a gun-related discussion board where I’m the admin.  The only alteration I’ve made was flipping around the referenced gender.

These were all statements made by men in reference to women.

Now bear in mind that this is one of the most tightly moderated and high-brow of all the firearms discussion boards out there.  Given that list of threads, how do you think a new female shooter looking for information will feel when she skims the board and sees thread titles like that?  Would you recommend that your daughter or wife seek out advice from those folks?

I can’t count the number of times I’ve overheard bad advice given to women when it comes to guns.  Seven out of ten times, people will recommend a lightweight snubnose revolver as an ideal first “woman’s gun”, even though the airweight snubbie is a terrible first pick for any new shooter, male or female.  The athletic college track runner is told that she may have problems cycling the slide on a pistol because of her presumed lack of upper body strength, but the pigeon-chested 115lb. male grad student who has wrists like pipe cleaners won’t get so much as a second glance when he asks to see the Desert Eagle (which has a recoil spring that requires three men and a mule to compress it.)  Worse than the assumption of physical inferiority is the assumption of mental inferiority–that’s when the sales clerk tries to steer the little woman away from the Beretta 92FS, because it has too many switches and levers that may confuse her in a stress situation.  (Good thing they make cars and planes for women–vehicles that feature only two controls labeled GO and STOP, because a woman can’t possibly remember how to work a bunch of controls all at the same time when her life is at stake.)

Point out the rampant misogynist attitudes in the gun community, and you get labeled “PC”.  You’ll be told that men and women are simply different, and that any denial of that fact is political correctness running wild.  These folks miss the point that while there are physiological differences between males and females, very few (if any) of those differences count when it comes to handling firearms.  There’s no gun ever made that requires testicles to operate it properly and safely.  (One could argue that testicles can actually be a detriment to safe gun operation, as you’ll find very few examples of women killing themselves or their friends accidentally while showing off their new Glocks to their buddies.)

Here’s a little primer to tell if a statement about women and guns (or any gender-based statement, really) is sexist: flip the gender in the statement to match your own, and then see if the notion bothers you when applied to yourself.  If it makes you even a little angry, uncomfortable, or puzzled, then it’s probably sexist.

Women are just like men in every way that counts when it comes to this, and many other subjects.  Women, just like men, come in different shapes, sizes, and dexterity and strength levels.  They come with different educations, backgrounds, and attitudes.  Most importantly, they come with their own acquired skills and preferences, just like men.  When you assume anything about the woman standing next to you at the gun shop counter or the shooting range…well, you know what they say about assumptions.  You start getting paternalistic and condescending on her, or use the opportunity to “show her how to improve her stance”, you may just turn a novice off the shooting sports forever…or you may just find that the woman in question has not only forgotten more than you’ll ever learn about firearms, but can also outshoot you with your own gun on her worst–and your best–day.

(For women new to firearms and the shooting sports, I can think of few better online resources than my friend Kathy’s Cornered Cat, which has a ton of spot-on advice for women who have decided to get into guns for either recreation or protection.  She makes all the points I’ve made in this spot, and a whole lot more I can’t even hope to cover as well as she does.)

how does one say "d’oh!" in japanese?

Here’s the story of Tsutomu Yamaguchi, who survived the atomic bombing of Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945.

He was in Hiroshima on a business trip that morning, and suffered burns when the atomic bomb leveled much of the city.  He spent the following night in Hiroshima, and then returned to his home city…of Nagasaki.  He arrived home just before that city was destroyed by the second atomic bomb dropped on Japan.

Tsutomu Yamaguchi is the only known person to have survived not one, but two atomic bombings.  Let’s hope he will remain the only known person to have done so, and there won’t be any future opportunities for anyone to claim that distinction.

a word on comment moderation.

I just released a whole bunch of comments that were trapped in the spam filter. (Raving Prophet, you had four or five in there…Akismet’s spam filter doesn’t like you for some reason.)

I guess I ought to mention that I don’t generally delete or block comments.  I reserve that right, of course, but so far, nobody has managed to annoy me enough, and I don’t fear dissenting opinions.  If I ever delete or edit a comment of yours, it won’t be because I disagree with your opinion on an issue, but because I disagree with the way you get it across.  In other words: keep it civil, and don’t say anything to me or my readers in the comments that you wouldn’t say directly to my face, in my living room, with a bunch of preschoolers and your sainted old grandma listening.

our town.

Whenever I talk about Castle Frostbite (“Located in Scenic Upper Cryogenica!“), I usually complain about something: the leaky roof, the satellite Internet, the cubic miles of snow after a storm, the muddy roads in spring, and so on.  Reading through those anecdotes, one might get the impression that I’m not really happy with where I live, so I thought I’d take a few moments and make a list of things that I love about living here.

• We have a starry night sky.

Out here, there are no large metropolitan areas.  The nearest city is Lebanon, population 12,000, and it’s fifteen miles away.  The next large city is Concord, sixty miles to the south, and “large city” is a relative term here in northern New England–Concord’s population is just over 40,000.  When I leave the house on a clear night, it looks like a planetarium outside.  You never know just how beautiful the starry night sky is until you’ve spent some time outside of a large city.  It’s not quite as impressive as the night sky over Martha’s Vineyard, since we have hills and lots of trees to spoil the “stars from horizon to horizon” effect, but it’s still astonishing and awe-inspiring. When we build our next house, I want to have a little observatory.

• There are animals everywhere.

On our property alone, we have squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits, bats, ravens, a huge variety of songbirds, and probably a few dozen species I’ve not even met face-to-face yet.  Occasionally, we have deer and wild turkeys walking across our front yard.  On the way to town, we have to stop for the occasional deer or turkey parade to cross the street.  A few weeks back, we had a moose crossing the road in front of us as we were driving out to the farm for some milk, and Quinn just gaped at it with an expression that said, “This is the coolest thing I have ever seen in my life.”  These kids will grow up with animals all around.

• It’s quiet out here.

There are no car doors slamming, neighbors talking, or kids in rice rockets racing by on the street.  When I step outside, most of the time I can only hear the rustling of the trees in the wind.  I never knew just how noisy the old neighborhood was until we moved out here, where our nearest neighbor is a few hundred yards away, with lots of trees and a hillside between us.

• We have space to do our own thing.

On our property, we have a private campground on top of a wooded hill, and I can grab a gun and go out to shoot a few rounds of .22 or .38 any time I feel like it, without having to ask permission or check opening hours.  Last year, we had a few friends over for dinner, and one of them brought a nice over-and-under shotgun, a hand thrower, and a box of clay pigeons.  We went out into the front yard, and shot up the whole box.  Out here, the occasional gunfire means “having fun”, or “getting some venison”, and nobody calls the SWAT team.

• There’s very little crime.

As property tax payers, we get the town report every year, which includes the crime statistics from the local PD.  Most of our police calls involve traffic accidents and DWI calls.  There’s some property crime in town on occasion, but very little in the way of assault and other violent stuff.  There hasn’t been a homicide here in many years.  This is a town of 4,000, and the police department consists of a chief and three officers, some of which are only part-timers.  That’s all the constabulary needed out here–people watch out for each other and take out their own trash.  It’s one of the huge perks that come with living in rural New England.

• Our taxes are spent locally.

Our property tax rate is pretty high compared to Knoxville’s, but all of those are spent in town.  We have good and reliable town services: the trash gets picked up, the roads get plowed and sanded, and I’ve never waited for more that a minute or two at the town clerk’s office.  We have a nice little library, a new police building, two post offices, and efficient and courteous town employees who go out of their way to do their jobs.  My police chief doesn’t charge for permits because he believes that people already pay enough taxes, and last time I had to get a blueprint at the town clerk’s office, she looked it up for me after closing hours and made a copy free of charge.  I don’t mind paying taxes so much when I see that the money is being put to good use locally.

• We have beautiful seasons.

Up here, there are four distinct seasons, and they all have their own perks.  The winters are cold, but everything looks gorgeous, and we always have a proper white Christmas.  The summers are mild and pleasant (we don’t have or need air conditioning), and the New England fall is simply the most gorgeous season anywhere.  I like cycling through the seasons and enjoying their respective benefits, instead of having to run the AC from April to November, and seeing snow twice a decade for a day.

• We’re out in the green, yet close to virtually everything.

Craving some big city?  Boston is a two-hour drive away.  Ocean?  The Atlantic is ninety minutes to the east.  Mountains?  The White Mountains are ninety minutes to the northeast.  Burlington and Lake Champlain are ninety minutes to the northwest, right up I-89.  Downeast Maine and Acadia are a three-hour drive away.  Canada is two hours to the north.  There’s a huge variety of scenery, culture, and activities within a two-hour radius from our front step, and we still get to enjoy the benefits of rural life.

Anyway, that’s what I like about this place, and the list of positives greatly outweigh the annoyances.  We do love it up here in the Upper Valley, even if we did buy a house that was put together by drunken simians on meth.

What about you?  Why did you pick the place you call home?  If you had to sell me on it, what would you tell me?

monday search term safari XLIV.

view from 50000 feet

What are you flying that can get up to FL500?  That’s pretty high up in the sky, in Learjet territory.  (Picture standing on the top floor of a building that’s almost ten miles tall.  You’d probably be able to see Senator Burris’ ego all the way from Seattle.)

example of 3rd person past tense

Go to a bookstore. Pull a novel off the shelf at random.  You have an 80% chance of grabbing one that’s written in Third Person Past Tense.  If there’s a Standard/Default setting for narrative tense and perspective, that one’s it.

vp xii

That was a week of concentrated deep-fried awesome, slathered with awesomesauce.  If you’re thinking about applying for Viable Paradise XIII, you should absolutely go for it, even if you have to pick up soda cans on the side of the highway for three months to get the cash for the tuition.  So. Very. Worth it.

how to commission a custom beretta

Buy a stock Beretta of whatever model strikes your fancy.  Hand it to a competent gunsmith, along with a large wad of dollar bills and a list of custom modifications.  Wait a few months.  Get the gun back, minus the large wad of dollar bills.  (We also call this process “spending $1000 to turn a $600 gun into a $700 gun.”)

120 lb girl. how much hydrogen peroxide

That depends on what you want to do with your 120lb. girl.  Do you want to bleach her hair, disinfect her, dissolve her completely, or launch her on a ballistic trajectory?

parker 51

That’s a fountain pen made by Parker between 1941 and 1974.  It’s probably the most famous fountain pen in the world.  (I wrote up a gushing review here.)

the happiness of being a parent

It comes in handy half-gallon PET bottles, and can be purchased at your local package store.

wranglers breakfast drink

Rum & Coke, or vodka & Fresca.  (I kid, of course.  I’d never touch hard liquor before 11am.)

rejected wii titles

I did those a few months back, in collaboration with friend MarkHB:

Kitten Golf
Super Mario Proctologist
Dr. Lecter’s Magic Kingdom
WiiWaterboard
Concentration Camp Guard Challenge
WiiGurgitation, with Mr. Binge and Mr. Purge, the bulimia fairies
Wii Abortion Doctor
Hamas Hamas Inferno
IED Obstacle Racing
Puppy Stomp Revolution

removing beretta 92 chamber loaded indicator

Since the chamber loaded indicator on the Beretta 92 is simply some red paint on top of the extractor, you can cover it up with black paint if that sliver of red bothers you.  (I wouldn’t recommend removing the extractor altogether, since that may have a sub-optimal effect on function.)

company laptop private?

Think about what you just wrote.  (It’s called a company laptop because it belongs to the company.  Anything on it is automatically not private.)

servant gets fucked by master

There’s an entire website devoted to that fetish: www.irs.gov.

neil stephenson fountain pen waterman

It’s Neal Stephenson, and according to an interview I once read, one of his novel-writing pens is a Waterman Gentleman.  (He wrote his entire Baroque Cycle in longhand.  I’ve seen a picture of the handwritten manuscript, which forms an impressive replica of the Empire State Building in his office.)

chipmunks know as timbertigers

Timber tigers, huh?  That’s droll.  Last night at the blogmeet, I learned that moose are called “swamp donkeys” by some Mainers. This cracks me up for some undefinable reason.

naming your kids after states

That can be sort of cute (Dakota), kind of clumsy (Massachusetts, Mississippi), or downright derogatory.  (If you have a girl, you probably shouldn’t name her “Idaho”.)

summer glau teh hawtness

I find myself largely in agreement with this statement.

how to know if your family is royal

Do you live in a palace, and do people routinely address you as “Your Majesty”, “Sire”, or “Your Royal Highness”?  Then chances are good that your family is royal.  If, on the other hand, you live in Violent Acres trailer park, and people routinely address you as “Bubba”, “Cooter”, or “Bobbi Lou”, then you can safely assume that you’re not, in fact, the member of a royal family.

if i give you my kidney will i be compensated

Not by me.  What am I going to do with your kidney, anyway?  I’d probably just leave it in the fridge and forget all about it until it turns sentient, just like that tofu parmesan Robin made recently.

 

That’s the take for this week, friends and neighbors.  Tune in again next week when we once again mine the stats page for easy blogging material!