friday randomosity.

  • J.D. Salinger passed away at 91.  He lived in Cornish, which is about fifteen miles from Castle Frostbite as the crow flies.  Between him and Robert B. Parker, it hasn’t been a great two weeks for the New England literature scene.
  • Obligatory geek opinionating on the Apple iPad:  it looks shiny, like everything out of Cupertino these days, and I wouldn’t turn one down if you put it in my hand, but right now I’m still trying to figure out its niche.  It’s bigger than a Kindle, less capable than a netbook or laptop, and lacks the portability of the iPhone/iPod touch.  Also, that’s a lot of glass to tote around without the benefit of a keyboard deck to protect it when it’s not in use…and if you have to tote it in a slipcase or laptop bag, you might as well carry around a netbook.  Still, I’m sure they’ll sell a hojilion of them.  I want one so I can load the Skype iPhone app on it, and then go to Starbucks and hold the thing up to my ear like a huge-ass iPhone, just to make fun of the assembled hipster brigade.   (Obligatory iPad naming joke: the max iPad will be the 27” panel off the big iMac, touch-enabled and packaged with a lovely Samsonite slip case with rollers.)
  • Two days ago, it was fifty degrees outside, and all the snow was gone from our driveway.  One heavy snow squall and one cold front later, our driveway is an Olympic ski jump again, it’s ten degrees outside, and I have two stoves going at full blast inside.  The birds outside are all like, “WTF?”
  • State of the Novel: nearing the 50% mark, on track for completion in late spring.  You sit down every day and tack on a few pages, and one day you have a completed manuscript.  Nobody ever sits down to write a novel, you sit down to write a paragraph, a page, the rest of the chapter.  It’s a long slog, but it’s the only known way to write a novel—one page at a time.
  • For someone who doesn’t care much for TV, I’m really awfully fond of that newfangled LCD televisionary device we got just after Christmas.  The old one was a steam-powered Mitsubishi that was about fifteen years old, and whose colors had started going all wonky.  The new one has input jacks for every conceivable device, and I can switch back and forth between the DVD player, the Wii, and the PC without having to switch plugs around.  I took that new Atom/ION box I got recently, and hooked it up to the TV.  Playing World of Warcraft on a 32” LCD is pretty neat, and being able to play movies right off the hard drive is nifty, too.  With the system drawing less than 30W, I have it running all the time now.  The iTunes library is shared with Home Sharing and can stream its contents to any other PC in the house via WiFi.  As an added bonus, I can use that PC as a file server for backups over the network.  Technology is pretty neat when it works.
  • Tomorrow: Dadcation Day.  For those of you just tuning in, that’s when I get to head into town for a few hours of child-free activities.  It’s my weekly sanity break—have some caffeinated beverages, write a few pages, look at stuff I can’t afford at Best Buy, that kind of thing.  Exciting, I know!  That’s the high-speed glamorous existence of the stay-at-home Writer Dad.

More later, but now I have to throw a few packs of Little Debbie snack cakes into the playroom for dinner…

special authorize!

Poking around on eBay this morning, I came across one of the many Chinese sellers who offer what are counterfeit copies of brand name designs—purses, leather briefcases, and the like.

What’s cute about this one is the “Letter of Authority” they have displayed on their product pages, to soothe the conscience of gullible folks who are willing to believe that yes, you can get an authentic brand name product for a quarter of its normal retail price.  (It must be the conversion rate in China, or something.)  I just love the very thin veneer of authenticity bestowed by this piece of paper, doubtlessly put together in five minutes on a (pirated) version of Chinese-language  MS Publisher:

2

Special Authorize!

It must be authentic.  It has a big red stamp, and everything.

monday search term safari LXXXIII.

how to write a military novel

Here’s the easiest way to write one: you write whatever story you have on your mind, and then go through the manuscript and preface every character name with a rank.  Works with the classics, too:  “Call me Sergeant Ishmael.”

unlock neibhour router

Has it ever occurred to you that your neighbor locked his router because he doesn’t want other people leeching his bandwidth?  I mean, how would you feel if your neighbor queried the Intertubes on “unlock neighbour front door”?

winchester silvertips werewolves

Silvertips don’t actually have any silver content.  They’re called that because their aluminum-washed bullets look silvery.  But hey…all that matters is that the werewolf believes they’re silver, so it all depends on your bluffing and persuasion skills. 

inside waistband holster lcp

I’ve seen a ton of IWB holsters for little Elsie Pea, and I’m a bit puzzled at the desire to stuff a 12-ounce pistol the size of a box of Marlboros into your waistband.  That little gun was made for pocket carry.  I mean, if you’re going to carry on the belt anyway, why not carry something a little bigger?  Five ounces and fractions of an inch make a huge difference when you carry in a pocket, but unless you are a wisp of a person and suffer from major back problems, you probably won’t notice much of a difference between the LCP and , say, a Kahr PM9 on your belt.

large moleskine able to bend backwards?

The Moles have a hard oilcloth-over-cardboard cover that’s pretty inflexible.  You can fold it back onto itself so that the covers touch, but you’ll put a lot of strain on the sewn pages and the spine, and it’ll probably unravel after a while.  For a notebook that can be used in that fashion, spiral-bound is your best bet.

caledonian kitchen’s sauce for haggis

Their blackcurrant haggis sauce is awesome.  It’s the perfect complement to the dish.  I used to insist on eating haggis plain, but that sauce is delicious.  Another traditional sauce for haggis is heavy cream with a shot of good single malt Scotch.

marko kloos "terms of enlistment"

That’s the military science fiction novel I finished last year, the first chapter of which you can sample for free here.  It’s still sitting in a pile in an office in New York City, so I don’t have any further details on its possible future life in print.   (The publishing world works slowly.)  I’m about 50% finished with the  sequel, called “Lines of Departure”. 

conservatives who hate libertarians

Conservatives vacillate between sympathy and outright hatred for Libertarians.  They’re usually sympathetic to the “Nobody gets to tell you what to do…” part of Libertarian ethics, but they get all foamy at the mouth at the “…but you don’t get to tell anybody else what to do, either” part.  Then there are those who dismiss Libertarians as childish, amoral, and irresponsible, but those are usually the people who don’t have the first clue of what Libertarianism is all about, and who just have a Pavlovian reaction to our dislike of drug prohibition and failure to embrace Scripture as the sole source of morality.

it’s not rape if it’s in self defence

That makes total sense.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to hold someone down and forcibly have sex with them to keep them from hurting or killing me.  (Do tell that one to the judge, and let me know how it goes.)

are mustelids vicious

You know the crazy-ass kid in your neighborhood that nobody ever fucked with because he carried a straight razor, never bathed, and cut up small animals for shits and giggles?  Mustelids are that guy in the animal world.  Other animals give them a wide berth, because they smell, they’re fucking nuts, and they’ll mutilate you.

why is the ruger called elsie

It’s the Ruger LCP.  Slowly spell out the three letters of the model name.  Elsie Pea!

why blouse military boots

You blouse the pant legs, not the boots, and you do it because it looks neater.  Also, military pants aren’t sized precisely by inseam length, and blousing them prevents having one troop with legs that end above his ankles, and another who steps on the bottoms of his legs when he walks.

longhand manuscript permanence

My wife owns a set of hand-written cookbooks that were written by her paternal grandmother in the 1910s back in Germany.  They were written with pencil and whatever off-the-shelf pen ink they had at the time.  The pages are yellowed, but the writing is still perfectly legible.  If you use good, acid-free paper and one of the new water-and fraudproof inks (I like and use Noodler’s black), and you store your manuscript in a dry place, your great-great-grandkids will be able to read it on their commute to the fleet yards in orbit around Mars.

fn fal good for deer hunting?

It’s a gas-operated semi-automatic rifle with a twenty-round magazine.  The deer in your area must be savage, feral predators who hunt in packs. 

Seriously?  Sure, it’ll make a decent deer gun in a pinch.  The ballistics of the round are pretty much the same whether you fire it out of a FAL or a Winchester bolt cranker.  Hunting with 20-round magazines, however, is illegal in a lot of places, so you’d have to find a three- or five-round FAL magazine.  Also, FALs don’t scope all that well, so you’d be using irons.  All in all, the FAL wouldn’t make a bad deer gun, but I can think of a lot of rifles I’d rather take along to zap Bambi.

how many watts does pellet stove draw

Ours draws about five hundred watts under load.  Our electric bill has actually decreased compared to last year, because the pellet stove uses less power than the space heater we used to have to run in the playroom on really cold days.

did fbi use m13 revolver in 1990

Yeah, sort of.  At that point, the Feebs had started issuing flatguns (first the S&W 1076 in 10mm, then the SIG P226 when the Smiths didn’t work out too well), but agents could grandfather in their carry revolvers until recently.  The Model 13 was standard issue through most of the 1980s, so most of the agents who joined the Bureau in that decade probably got one issued, and there were probably lots of agents who decided to stick with their M13s.

air travel with unvaccinated infant

I’d be really wary about sticking your infant into a metal tube in close proximity to a few hundred people who may be carrying around new and exciting pestilences from all over the world.  Your little tyke may be breathing in something that was picked up by the businessman sitting next to you, the one who just went to Buckfutting Province in rural China to check out the local poultry.

 

And there’s this Monday’s edition of the MSTS!  See what I can do when you folks feed me some decent search terms?  Hardly a mention of that Jersey Shore douchebagguette, or homeless people jerking off in lieberries!

the future, in our pockets.

Pockets 003

Here are the contents of my pockets as of right now.  They contain a small pile of small gadgets that bring me enjoyment:

  • An oilcloth-covered notebook.
  • A thin media player that is also a pocket computer, complete with web browser and WiFi, loaded with my entire library of CDs, a hundred e-books, and a dozen full-length movies.
  • A watch with a night light.
  • A knife with a locking blade.
  • A flash drive that holds all the stuff I’ve ever written, with enough free space to hold everything I’m likely to write in my lifetime a few thousand times over.
  • A fountain pen with a retractable nib.
  • A very small .380 pocket pistol that’s about the size of a pack of smokes, and almost as light.
  • Two reloads for the very small pocket pistol.

Just in the pockets of my jeans, I can carry around a notebook, a fountain pen, a miniature computer, a folding knife that turns into a fixed blade at the press of a stud, and a respectably powerful pistol along with nineteen rounds for it.  That’s a tolerable basic set of tools for utility, communication, entertainment, data storage, creative expression, and self-defense.

I have to say that living in the future is pretty damn cool.

so you think you have snow?

Here are a few snapshots from around Castle Frostbite, for those of you who live in a place where you don’t get to see much of the white stuff.

Jan 2010 002

The main portcullis of the Castle.  See the relative lack of snow on the roof of the main building?  That’s our new self-clearing miracle roof.  The snow slides off all by itself.  I’ve not been up on that roof once this winter—in fact, I’m under orders not to set foot on it, since it’s both unnecessary (the stuff slides right off as soon as it gets heavy enough) and dangerous (the PVC membrane turns into a Slip-N-Slide when it gets wet.)

To the right of the door you can see my little friend and helper, Mr. Sears Craftsman 9HP Two-Stage Snow Thrower.

Jan 2010 003

Snow pile in front of the kitchen wall eaves.  This is where the stuff slides down.  I have to be careful where I park the van now—a little too close to the wall, and the ice lands right on the Grand Marnier.

Jan 2010 005

That’s the area to the left of the door.  The trench you see is our alternate footpath, for those times when we have to park at the bottom of the driveway due to ice.  I refresh it with the snow thrower every time it snows more than an inch or so, and by mid-January, it looks like the Somme at Christmas 1916 out there. 

The white pizza box on the side of the house is the antenna and receiver box for our new wireless Intertubes. 

Jan 2010 004

The driveway.  Had it covered with hardpack a few months ago, which helps with the snowblowing (fewer large rocks to pick up), but when it gets good and icy, we have to park on the turnaround spot at the bottom, because our front-wheel drive cars can’t climb a slick 6% incline.

Jan 2010 007

The view from the office window.  That’s where the snow slides down on the other side of the house.  The snow pile in front of the window is close to four feet tall at this point, and will grow a bit still before spring.

Jan 2010 010

While we’re in the office, let me show you Transcription Corner, where I sit to transfer my longhand scribblings into Scrivener on the Mac.  That’s a G4 eMac, set up for just that one job, and intentionally left without an Internet connection.

Jan 2010 014

Our tertiary heating system, the wood stove in the second living room.  It’s so efficient that the room is pretty much at 90 degrees whenever we have wood burning in there.  As you can see here, the dogs love that stove.

I’m sure someone out there reading this lives in Upper Canadia, or some other arctic environment, and will shortly laugh at our puny buildup of snow, but it’s probably more than you folks from down south see in any five of your winters put together.

breaking news: pigs spotted in the pattern at logan.

Massachusetts has voted on Kennedy’s successor.  Republican Scott Brown won, and Democrat Martha Coakley contributed an object lesson in How Not To Run A Campaign, losing the seat held by the most liberal member of the Senate…to a Republican. 

This morning, I pictured a Marley-like ghostly apparition of Ted Kennedy, following Martha Coakley around from now until she dies, jingling his chains at her and moaning, “Woe! Woe!”

The ultimate irony, of course, is that Ted Kennedy planted the seed for the loss of his own seat.  When Kerry ran against Bush, Teddy pushed the state legislature to change the process that allowed the governor to appoint a successor…because the governor at the time was Republican Mitt Romney.  There was a lot of talk about how “the will of the people needed to be heard”, so they changed the law to require a special election instead.  Fast forward four years, and a Democrat sits in the governor’s chair again…and the Will of the People all of a sudden comes back to bite Kennedy in the ass posthumously.

All over the Intertubes, pundits are already either predicting a bloody rout for the Democrats in the midterm elections, or assuring us that the election was not a referendum on Obama or his health care plan, but I think the Dems had better sit up and take notes.  If you can lose Kennedy’s old seat, in a state where Dems outnumber Republicans by three to one, your agenda may not have traction with the public, to put it mildly, and barging ahead with business as usual may cost you dearly come November.

Apparently, Brown’s victory was largely due to his ability to sway the Independent vote.  Just like NH, Massachusetts has more “independent” registered voters than Republicans and Democrats combined, and Martha Coakley just found out that you don’t win those folks over by doing some light campaigning in front of folks who already swing your way already.  Brown, on the other hand, ran like he actually wanted to win the election, not like he was just waiting for the inevitable coronation.

I think the Democrats’ loss of “Kennedy’s seat” to the Republicans has chipped away at the sense of inevitability that comes with elections in areas heavily dominated by one party.  If Massachusetts can vote a Republican into Teddy’s well-worn Senate chair, then nothing’s a sure thing anymore.

One thing’s for sure….it’ll be an interesting election year.

another old master departs.

Robert B. Parker, author of the Spenser novels (among many others), died today at the age of 77.  Word has it he passed away peacefully at his desk.

I’m a big fan of the Spenser novels, and while I’m bummed to hear about Mr. Parker’s passing, I can think of worse ways to go than dying peacefully at my desk at the age of 77, after a long and distinguished career, having written fifty-eight novels in thirty-nine years.  He was a veteran of the Korean War, and a former English teacher.  By any measure, I’d say he lived a full life.

Rest in peace, sir, and thanks for all the good reads over the years.

monday search term safari LXXXII.

how to write straight on unlined paper

Practice.  Personally, I line up the first sentence on the upper edge of the page, and each following line on the preceding one.  It’s just a freakish talent I have.

(After writing on unlined paper for a year or so, I now find lines too confining.  With unlined paper, I can make my own margins and line spacing, and I can throw in a sketch or diagram in the middle of the page if needed.)

minivan stuck in snow

Yeah, that has happened to me once or twice.  I love the utility and flexibility of the Grand Marnier, but having only front-wheel drive in the New England winters sucks a bit.  If it had all-wheel drive, it would be the perfect vehicle.  Well, that, and maybe a plow blade on the front.  And tracks instead of wheels.  And a roof hatch with a pintle-mounted M240.  And thorazine mist dispensers for the kiddie section in the back.  And a minibar.  And…

pros and cons of shoulder holster

Pros: Comfortable way to carry gun and spare ammo, even a full-sized heater.  Easy and fast to access while seated.  Keeps the belt free.

Cons: Requires covering garment (but which concealment methods don’t?), cross-draw across the body isn’t as fast as regular strong-side draw, weapon retention a little more difficult if someone tries to grab your gun, risk of looking like a Miami Vice casting reject.

how does a werewolf heal silver.

It’s magic. or something.  Seriously—do you expect a detailed, medically sound answer to the ailments of a pretend creature?  Werewolves are make-believe. Pretend. They don’t actually exist.  Make up whatever explanation suits your story best.  Nobody will be able to whip out a biology book, open it to the section titled “Werewolf”, and contradict you.

what the fuck is wrong with life

It’s frequently unfair, occasionally outright sucky, and usually difficult if you try to pull your own weight.  On the plus side, it beats the hell out of the alternative.  But hey–if it wasn’t difficult, there’d be no challenge to it, and no sense of accomplishment when you achieve your goals.  The hard is what makes it great.

what are the oldest tools

It’s a toss-up between the miter saw and the pipe wrench, crudely fashioned examples of which have been found in many Cro-Magnon dwellings.

movie line "i want my $2"

That’s from “Better Off Dead”, a classic Eighties movie that is also the Best Eighties Movie Starring John Cusack (and there were a lot of those.)  I will only excuse your appalling lack of knowledge if your birth year is 1980 or later.

how to handle the stupidity of the masses

Booze, and ranting on the Internet, of course.

new england winter

Cold and snowy, from December to March.  Four months of Ice Planet Hoth, in fact.  We have Tauntauns and everything.

 

Well, there’s your free ice cream for the morning.  Now get back to work…or enjoy your day of taxpayer-funded leisure, if you’re a public sector drone.

2555 days later.

marko-robin1_s

Seven years ago, I conned a smart and beautiful woman into marrying me.

Seven years later, we’re still together, and still in love…and I hope I haven’t given her too many opportunities to feel buyer’s remorse.

Happy Anniversary, love.