not a bad spot for a morning tea.

The view from the porch this morning:

I’m having a caffeinated-type beverage.  In a little while, we’re going to the beach with the kids.  Later, there will be a wedding, merrymaking, and (once the kids are in bed) consumption of alcoholic-type beverages.

Our patch problems are solved, by the way, at least until the next major patch.  There’s wicked fast Internet at the beach house, and the little netbook is currently gorging on sweet gigabytes, hoovered off the Interwebs at a meg and a half per second.

Now to go back to hanging out with friends, because I shouldn’t be spending all day futzing around on these here Interblogs.  More later, as time allows.

travel update.

Miles logged yesterday: 700.

Miles logged today: 450.

Current location: Swank beachfront vacation house near Charleston, Souf Kakalacky.

We’re down here for the weekend to attend the wedding of two of our friends, and we’re using the opportunity to visit with family and friends in three states.  The Grand Marnier is discharging its transportation device duties without a problem, and the kids are handling it as well as one can hope for, considering their ages.  Tamara is holding down the fort at Castle Frostbite, making sure the doggies are topped off with propellant, and keeping the gravity bill paid so the casa doesn’t float off into space.

More later…

things you don’t want to hear as a gun shop clerk.

When I was back in college down in Tennessee, I worked as a Merchant of Death(tm)…sales clerk in a Knoxville gun shop. 

Contrary to uninformed mainstream media belief, gun shops don’t just sell artillery to anyone who walks through the door.  The B.S. about “unregulated gun purchases” is just that.  (Fun fact: Guns are the only consumer product sold in the United States that require a federal background check for every single transaction.)

Above and beyond the background check, gun salesmen usually exercise their common sense when dealing with customers.  When you work behind that counter for any length of time, you tend to develop a finely honed radar for people that you know shouldn’t be walking out of your store with a firearm.

Here are some questions and remarks that will raise a red flag at the gun store:

• “Can I buy, like, just one bullet?”
• “Say, do you know what time the bank across the street opens?”
• “You got anything that will go through a bulletproof vest? Like, the kind cops wear?”
• “Phased plasma rifle in the forty-watt range.”
• “I’ll take this one…according to prophecy.”
• “I’ll need a few more magazines for that, too.  Let’s see who gets laid off today, huh?”
• “The voices say I want that Remington pump-action.”
• “Uh, you guys need, like, I.D. for buying a gun?”
• “I need something for…deer. Yeah, a deer.  A cheatin’, no-good slut of a deer.”
• “Will this pistol show on a metal detector? Say, at an airport?”
• “I need something with a scope. The anti-psychosis meds make me too loopy for iron sights.”
• “I need a what to buy a fully automatic weapon? I’m law enforcement! I work the tactical team at Pheasant Lane Mall!”
• “So, is this rifle easy to convert to full-auto?  Just a bit of file work, right?”
• “I want some practice targets.  You got any that are shaped like squad cars?”
• “Can I just rent this thing for a few hours?”

(On a serious note: I’ve refused sales, either directly or by diversion, to people who just gave off the wrong sort of vibe, even before running the background check.  Despite the common misconception that gun shops are just indiscriminately selling killing instruments with no consideration for anything but profit, most gun shop owners and employees have absolutely no interest in arming violent criminals or nutcases.  It’s bad for business–never mind your own conscience–if one of your shop’s guns is used the next day for a mass killing.

gin–it’s like liquid christmas.

On the occasion of my birthday, I shall now share my three current favorite gin-based cocktails with you.

1. The Martini: The Little Black Dress of the cocktail world.  Two shots of gin, half a shot of dry vermouth.  Olive garnish optional.  (Substitute the olive with a cocktail onion, and it becomes a Gibson.) Shake or stir in ice-filled shaker, serve in pre-chilled cocktail glass.
2. The Bronx:  A great lunch or afternoon cocktail. Slightly sweet without being cloying.  My favorite ratio for the Bronx is two shots of gin, one shot of orange juice, and half a shot each of sweet and dry vermouth.  (The “standard” IBA version uses less gin, more vermouth, and less OJ, which gives the drink a more bitter note, for those who prefer that sort of thing.)  Shake vigorously in ice-filled cocktail shaker, strain into cocktail glass.
3. The Foghorn:  More of a warm-weather refreshment akin to the Long Island Iced Tea, without the massive wallop a proper LIIT packs.  Put some ice in a highball glass, pour two shots of gin on top, add the juice from half a lime, and fill up with ginger ale.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes, folks. They are much appreciated.  Now go have one of those cocktails before the day is over, hmm-kay?

39.

I’m thirty-nine today…not quite over the hill, but I can definitely see the top from here.

For my birthday, I get to pack bags for our trip, do some more laundry, and shoehorn a few thousand words of writing into my day.  I asked Buddha for a pony and a plastic rocket, but I haven’t seen hide nor hair of the UPS driver yet.  On Wednesday, our house sitter arrives, and on Thursday morning, we’re heading south in the Grand Marnier (which, incidentally, will be paid off this month, which means that the statistical likelihood of a catastrophic failure increases by 1000%.)

All in all, just another busy day here at Castle Frostbite.  But I tell you this: there will be cocktails tonight.  And I want a cake shaped like a martini glass.

gee, thanks, postal service.

This just arrived in the mail:

That would be one mangled envelope, sans content, repackaged in a standard USPS “Oops, We Broke It” envelope.  Instead of the hotly anticipated flash drive with "World of Warcraft” patch, it contains nothing but the stale air from some postal distribution center.

Divemedic, I guess I owe you a new USB flash drive.  I’m also guessing there will be no World of Warcraft at Castle Frostbite this weekend, which will make the Lady of the Castle very cranky.

At this point, I’m dangerously close to saying “Fuck it”, and canceling my World of Warcraft account altogether.

upper cryogenica, october 2010.

This is the scene outside right now.  It is not Photoshop trickery.

That, my friends, is snow.  (For my Southern readers, that’s what happens to rain when it gets really cold outside.)

*crunch*

In the United States Navy, running your billion-dollar nuclear attack submarine aground is generally a career-ending move.

I don’t know for sure about the Royal Navy, but I suspect they don’t look at it much differently.

a brief search term safari.

i found mouse turds in my cabinet

I’m not a detective, but that evidence suggests that you may have mice in the house.  (Either that, or it’s a very clever trail of false clues, prepared by a cabal of rogue chipmunks to distract you from the real menace.  They’re cute, but devious.)

clown’s dressing room

Can’t miss it. It’s the one down the hall at Fox News. Says “Glenn Beck” on it.

should my letter be typed or handwritten

That depends.  A business letter should always be typed/printed.  A personal letter is more, uh, personal if it’s handwritten.  If the recipient can’t read your handwriting for some reason (bad eyesight, your atrocious longhand, the color scheme of your crayons, etc.), then it’s also acceptable to send a typed personal letter.

cubic fuck ton of guns

That will be the name of my gun store, if I ever start one.

what the fuck is wrong with you stupid

And that will be the name of my newspaper self-help column, if I ever write one.

no tears shampoo

That marketing claim is a vile lie.  Get it into their eyes, and it’s most definitely not “no tears”.  Then it’s more like “Battery Acid (Now With Melon Scent!)”

how to write straight on thick unlined paper

If your paper is so thick that guide sheets don’t show through, you can either a.) practice a lot, or b.) pre-line the pages lightly with a fine pencil, and then erase the lines later.  Method a.) is less work in the long run.

atomic wrangler sex

That’s the only kind we practice here at Castle Frostbite.  Saturday nights are epic up in this place.

add bate to fake chz mouse traps?

No, no, no.  The bate is for you, so you can wait by the fake chz mouse trap with bated breath.

###

That’s all that was left this week after subtracting all the uninteresting or disturbing search terms.  (And you with the strange fetish involving auto-erotic stimulation and hobos: seek help. Seriously.)

pocket sword.

While we’re on the subject of knives:

I can’t quite decide whether the Cold Steel Rajah II is a monumentally stupid idea, or the coolest folder ever.  A folding kukri with a six-inch blade?

Of course, a pocket knife that can lop off heads or limbs would be a handy thing to have on you when the zombie apocalypse finally occurs.  I’m thinking about buying two, one for each pocket.