monday search term safari XXXII.

i have no social life

Then get off the computer, get out of your basement room, go outside, and make a few friends, instead of complaining about your lack of social life on the Internet.  (Do not, however, go up to total strangers and ask, “Do you want to be my friend?”  People tend to find that kind of creepy.  Also, using chloroform is considered rude.)

oldest cutting tool

That would be the miter saw. 

computers are a bad investment

Well, duh.  They practically lose 50% of their value as soon as you swipe your credit card.  Every time I buy a brand new computer, they come out with a new model that’s twice as fast and half as expensive two weeks later.  Ask yourself this: how many pristine collectible IBM Aptiva desktop systems (Pentium MMX!  166MHz!  8MB of RAM!) do you see going on eBay for thousands of dollars?

vespa zebra

That’s a subspecies of the zebra that has evolved a 250cc engine and ten-inch wheels, to better escape predators.

bill cunningham said obama not a citizen

Bill Cunningham is still a douchebag.  Part of the reason for the Republican defeat is the fact that cheerleaders like Bill Cunningham—and the simpletons who believe people like him—made a significant part of the conservative base look like imbecilic nutcases.  Those “OBAMA IZ TEH MUZZLIM” emails only served to convince the people who never would have voted for Obama anyway, but little Miss “He scares me, he’s a Muslim” on national TV probably turned off a whole bunch of undecided fence sitters, which was precisely the demographic McCain needed.

how to look at porn on company laptop

You fire up the web browser and go to your favorite porn site.  Make sure you keep open a tab for, which will speed up the process of searching for a new job once you get fired for indulging in your Bulgarian midget mud wrestling fetish on company hardware.

free xxx girls fuk from dogs movies

Once upon a time, the Internet was the domain of the tech-savvy geek, and you had to have a certain level of intelligence, literacy, and computing knowledge to get online.  Now every trailer park dweller with a fifth-grade education and a spare $200 can go to the Walmarts, pick up one of them computer things and a few Marzes bars, and then go home and search the Interwebs for “girls fuk from dog” movies.  (And people wonder why the Chinese are poised to kick our asses in the global marketplace.)

religious zealots mocked newton

Religious zealots and scientists have never been on what you might call “joint hot showers” kinds of terms.  Every scientific advance that could even be remotely construed to contradict some passage in some Holy Book somewhere has been bitterly opposed by the zealot segment of most religions.  (Ironically, Newton was deeply religious.)

ibm model m on modern computers

Most modern computers can make use of the old IBM Model M, as long as you plug it into a PS/2-to-USB adapter (available for fifteen bucks online or at Best Buy.)

what day does earth go kaboom

When the Vogon Constructor Fleet shows up to blow up Earth, to make room for a hyperspace bypass.


That’s it for today, folks!  Don’t forget to renew your subscription in time for next week’s edition.


12 thoughts on “monday search term safari XXXII.

  1. vinnie says:

    “computers are a bad investment”
    I still have my Timex Sinclair 1000. List price in the early ’80’s $29.95. Value today $20. What other piece of electronics retains 2/3 of its value that long?

  2. crankylitprof says:

    I would say the Earth will go “kaboom!” when Marvin finds his Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.

  3. I have to put up my version of the “solder two pull-up resistors” post for the model-m keyboard. You do that, and in my experience the keyboard will work with any (active) ps/2 to USB converter. It’ll also work great with those nano sized power/space saving form-factor PCs with ps/2 ports.

    Someone is also selling one particular brand of converter that has enough juice to run the model-m.

    My rat-shack ps/2 to USB converter wouldn’t work for me until I got the damn 5.5 millimeter deep-well socket and the soldering iron out.

  4. perlhaqr says:

    Vinnie: Analog Synthesizers have increased in value several hundred to thousand percent.

    Moog and Arp. Yummy stuff. Way out of my price range.

  5. Tam says:

    . (And people wonder why the Chinese are poised to kick our asses in the global marketplace.)

    …or at least the “rolex wow gold power leveling” industry.

  6. Eric says:

    I believe that Jack Tramiel (Commodore, Atari) said “if you can buy it, it’s obsolete.”

  7. Rusty P. Bucket says:

    Obama swept the citizenship issue under the table and the bobble heads went merrily along with it.

    I personally think the question is valid – his job references include some of the filthiest americans alive…guys like Louis Farakahn for instance. He was also loudly endorsed by most foreign radical islamic groups too. People are judged by the company they keep. He may not be a radical islamist himself, but he is a terrorist symp and anyone that denies that probably isn’t that bright either.

  8. Ted says:

    Vogon Poetry youtube. The BBC only did (IIRC) 6 episodes, but they were really funny.

    Flame wars between radio-purists and TV-junkies in 3 … 2 … 1 …

  9. Kristopher says:

    The earth resets on 2012.

    So far, when asked at work what calendar they need to buy me for my cube, my requests for a full sized replica of either Stonehenge or the Mexico City Sun Stone have been ignored.

  10. MarkHB says:

    Now, I realise I’ve owned all the company’s laptops for the last decade-and-a-half but it seems bloody obvious to me. If you’re too dim to (eg) plug in a memory stick, VNC into a colleague’s laptop or just (nur) buy a magazine, then if you’re hell-bent on watching thumbnail-size imagery of $life-form getting it on with $entity, then just (nur) swap your laptop for an unobservant cow orker, who you know doesn’t work very hard.

    I say this even from the perspective of someone who’s never really been so desperate to date someone who’s surname is “JPEG” that I’d Google how not to get fired for it.

    After all, they’re my laptops. And if I want to look at pictures of girls in unzipped flight-suits nibbling the tips of Wacom styli, that’s my business. So there, too.

  11. Matt G says:

    “That would be the miter saw.”

    Funny, and I’m not sure why. . .

  12. Kristopher says:

    MattG: Funny, and I’m not sure why. . .

    It’s a recent invention, combining two tools. The mitre box and the tenon saw have been around for a while, though.

    The oldest cutting tool would be a rock flake.

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