i have no social life
Then get off the computer, get out of your basement room, go outside, and make a few friends, instead of complaining about your lack of social life on the Internet. (Do not, however, go up to total strangers and ask, “Do you want to be my friend?” People tend to find that kind of creepy. Also, using chloroform is considered rude.)
oldest cutting tool
That would be the miter saw.
computers are a bad investment
Well, duh. They practically lose 50% of their value as soon as you swipe your credit card. Every time I buy a brand new computer, they come out with a new model that’s twice as fast and half as expensive two weeks later. Ask yourself this: how many pristine collectible IBM Aptiva desktop systems (Pentium MMX! 166MHz! 8MB of RAM!) do you see going on eBay for thousands of dollars?
That’s a subspecies of the zebra that has evolved a 250cc engine and ten-inch wheels, to better escape predators.
bill cunningham said obama not a citizen
Bill Cunningham is still a douchebag. Part of the reason for the Republican defeat is the fact that cheerleaders like Bill Cunningham—and the simpletons who believe people like him—made a significant part of the conservative base look like imbecilic nutcases. Those “OBAMA IZ TEH MUZZLIM” emails only served to convince the people who never would have voted for Obama anyway, but little Miss “He scares me, he’s a Muslim” on national TV probably turned off a whole bunch of undecided fence sitters, which was precisely the demographic McCain needed.
how to look at porn on company laptop
You fire up the web browser and go to your favorite porn site. Make sure you keep open a tab for monster.com, which will speed up the process of searching for a new job once you get fired for indulging in your Bulgarian midget mud wrestling fetish on company hardware.
free xxx girls fuk from dogs movies
Once upon a time, the Internet was the domain of the tech-savvy geek, and you had to have a certain level of intelligence, literacy, and computing knowledge to get online. Now every trailer park dweller with a fifth-grade education and a spare $200 can go to the Walmarts, pick up one of them computer things and a few Marzes bars, and then go home and search the Interwebs for “girls fuk from dog” movies. (And people wonder why the Chinese are poised to kick our asses in the global marketplace.)
religious zealots mocked newton
Religious zealots and scientists have never been on what you might call “joint hot showers” kinds of terms. Every scientific advance that could even be remotely construed to contradict some passage in some Holy Book somewhere has been bitterly opposed by the zealot segment of most religions. (Ironically, Newton was deeply religious.)
ibm model m on modern computers
Most modern computers can make use of the old IBM Model M, as long as you plug it into a PS/2-to-USB adapter (available for fifteen bucks online or at Best Buy.)
what day does earth go kaboom
When the Vogon Constructor Fleet shows up to blow up Earth, to make room for a hyperspace bypass.
That’s it for today, folks! Don’t forget to renew your subscription in time for next week’s edition.