monday search term safari XXVIII.

how to use hot tub for two

Fill with water, wait for water to reach pleasant temperature, take off clothes, climb into the tub, assume a seated position, and have your mate/friend do the same.  (Alternately, you can fill it with champagne and Kate Beckinsale, but I’m guessing that if you have the cash for a few hundred gallons of champagne and the ability to get Kate Beckinsale into your hot tub, you probably wouldn’t need instructions on how to use it.)

why you shouldn’t sell your organs

Because you need most of them to live, silly.  Human bodies have some limited built-in redundancy–you can live on just one of your kidneys, or with just one eye, for example.  If you hock your heart or your lungs, on the other hand, you’ll have a hard time living long enough to spend the money, even if your mouse pointer is already hovering over the “Buy It Now” button on that complete Playboy collection in the custom Dale Earnhardt slipcase offered on eBay.

what does neil gaiman word processor

According to Neil Gaiman himself, he writes his novels in longhand, with a fountain pen, using blank bound books and a variety of pens loaded with differently-colored ink.  He alternates ink every day to see how much he’s written any given day.

i can’t start my delorean

Obvious snark about checking the flux capacitor, or missing the required 1.21 gigawatts of juice aside: You have a DeLorean?  Cool

(Absent any symptom descriptions, I’d troubleshoot as follows: fuel (any left in the tank?), battery (is it flat?), starter (is it making any sound at all?), carburetor (is it clogged?) Or, you know, call AAA.  With a mechanically temperamental car like a DeLorean, I’d make sure my membership is in good standing every year.

big game hunting in africa with 22magnum

The terms “big game” and “.22 Magnum” don’t go together.  If you insist on taking your varmint popper to Africa, try to limit your game selection: anything that won’t fit into a smallish backpack is probably too big to reliably drop.  Don’t even think about taking on a lion with your .22 Magnum–that’s like hanging a sign around your neck that says “FREE CAT FUD”.

slim injection work?

Not nearly as well as the revolutionary diet plan I developed, called the PDTFFAGOTT Method.  (“Put Down The Fucking Fork And Get On The  Treadmill.”)  Send $149 in cash, money order, or Amazon.com gift cards, and I will share this amazing secret with you.

Sheesh…everybody’s looking for the easy pill, injection, or trinket to shed weight.  Burn more calories than you take in every day, and you’ll lose weight.  You do this by either burning more calories, taking in fewer calories, or a combination of the above.  (I swear, if I set up shop in a strip mall and advertised “slim injections”, I could turn a box of saline bags and a stack of pamphlets with scientifically-sounding claims into a swimming pool full of cash in a month.)

can you chip ice off a roof

You can, if you’re careful.  Don’t use any sharp-edged metal objects, or you can damage your roof.  I’ve had good results with a pike handle made from heavy plastic, using the wide, flat end to knock the ice loose from above. 

germany socialized healthcare problems

Germany’s socialized health care has the same sort of problems as every socialized health system: unlimited demand,  limited supply, cost overruns, and an army of government bureaucrats rationing the supply while micro-managing the doctors.  (If you think that private HMOs are heartless, inefficient, and only focused on cutting costs, wait until we get socialized medicine in the U.S., and going to the doctor’s is like going to the DMV.)

lost and damned new swat vehicle

Somewhere in Suburbia, U.S.A., the local SWAT team is waiting for the shiny new armored vehicle they just got in a few days ago, and summoned for a no-knock raid last night.  To the dude who Googled that search term: find a road sign, go to mapquest.com, and punch in your intended destination.  Also, ask the Chief to have the armored SWATmobile upgraded with GPS.  It’s only $100 or so for a dash-mount unit from Best Buy, which is an amount you can easily asset-forfeit at your next no-knock.  Best of luck!

 

That’s it for this week, folks!  Remember to feed some wacky search terms into the Snarkolator for next week’s edition!

16 thoughts on “monday search term safari XXVIII.

  1. Jay G. says:

    I swear, if I set up shop in a strip mall and advertised “slim injections”, I could turn a box of saline bags and a stack of pamphlets with scientifically-sounding claims into a swimming pool full of cash in a month.

    Back when I was a starvin’, strugglin’ graduate student at UNH, the Ph.D. candidate and I hatched what we thought would have been an sure-fire money maker:

    ATP gum.

    Think about it: “New ATP gum! All the ATP your body needs for the day in a handy travel-size portion!”

    If we coulda scored some of that 1990s venture capital I’d be rich…

  2. Mr Fixit says:

    Let your reader with the Delorean trouble know that there is a company in Texas who has all the NOS Delorean parts and is repairing old Deloreans, and is in fact producing new ones.

    I could not however find a part number for the Flux Capacitor.

    Mr Fixit

  3. Shootin' Buddy says:

    Sorry, I must do this and yes, I know this makes me a dick, but it drives me nuts. It is “fewer calories”.

    Wenn Sie es zählen können, dann “fewer”.

    Wenn Sie es NICHT zählen können, dann “less”.

    You write so fluidly that this pet peeve of mine jumped out at me.

  4. Kristopher says:

    When dealing with “won’t go”, you check the three things a gas engine needs: electricity, fuel, air.

    One of those things is missing, or not reaching the place it needs to go.

  5. Windy Wilson says:

    There was one time my VW Jetta went down four turns of the parking garage and stalled after I stopped to enter the street. NOTHING would start it, not even the spray can of whatever it was the engineer in the ancient VW Beetle used after he checked fuel, air and spark. Turns out it slipped two teeth on the timing belt so I guess it falls into Kristopher’s fourth category, not getting where it needs to go when it needs to be there.

    As for the diet plan, the simplest one will also keep you out of trouble in other circumstances, too, it’s called (and I have to credit my life insurance agent for this one) “Shut your Mouth!”
    (Best when exclaimed in a non-specific eastern European accent).
    With my nickname you may gather I have trouble with this one.

  6. Lissa says:

    “FREE CAT FUD.” *snicker*

  7. Tam says:

    FWIW, the Peugeot-Renault-Volvo V6 in the DeLorean doesn’t have a carburettor and is maybe the only reliable item in the vehicle.

    (Except for one odd tidbit: Leave your DMC-12 parked outside when it’s below freezing, and icy condensation can build up on the underside of the decklid. Hop in the car, start ‘er up, and go tooling down the highway of a winter morning, and this slush can thaw, drip onto the throttle cable, and re-freeze. This can be embarrassing when you take your weejun off the gas pedal and the motor keeps roaring along at 3500 rpm…)

  8. pawnbroker says:

    earnhart? dude…if ever you endeavor to be a real good ol’ boy like this one:

    you’ll at least have to learn to spell the names of the saints…

    jtc

  9. Marko says:

    Tells you how much I’m into NASCAR, doesn’t it?

  10. Tam says:

    I’m not into French, but I can spell “surrender”. :p

  11. perlhaqr says:

    AGGH! Pawnbroker! CANNOT UNSEE!

  12. theflatwhite says:

    Pawnbroker,

    You take advantage of my curiosity in posting that link. Doom on you.

  13. Kristopher says:

    Windy: or try wrong order … heh.

    During my first VW engine rebuild, the brazillian camshaft I bought had two markers on it … one was for top-dead-center, and one was opposite … which apparently no one else did.

    So I had put the halves together, and installed the engine in my squareback with the cam 180 degrees off.

    Flames erupted from all four weber carbs while attempting to start, much to everyone’s amusement.

    The repair was simpe … I swapped all four distributor wires across the center of the distributor, so the cylinders fired in exactly reverse order … and it started up and ran like a champ. I was honest enough to note the reverse firing order on the engine tin with a Sharpie for the next mechanic …. I’m sure he got a chuckle out of it.

  14. HansW says:

    Shootin’ Buddy : Less vs Fewer.
    ‘ . . . . I know this makes me a dick . . . . ‘

    No, I don’t think it does! These are linguistic nuances whose disappearance is impoverishing language.

  15. Ravenshrike says:

    Hey now, if it were an American 180 the lion would lose. Of course, finding a 180 and then getting the necessary permits to use it in big game hunting might be a wee bit difficult.

  16. Nick (The Other White Nick) says:

    Just to chime in..the DeLorean isn’t carburated..it’s actually fuel injected.

    A very early and primitive type of fuel injection..but still fuel injected.

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