how to use hot tub for two
Fill with water, wait for water to reach pleasant temperature, take off clothes, climb into the tub, assume a seated position, and have your mate/friend do the same. (Alternately, you can fill it with champagne and Kate Beckinsale, but I’m guessing that if you have the cash for a few hundred gallons of champagne and the ability to get Kate Beckinsale into your hot tub, you probably wouldn’t need instructions on how to use it.)
why you shouldn’t sell your organs
Because you need most of them to live, silly. Human bodies have some limited built-in redundancy–you can live on just one of your kidneys, or with just one eye, for example. If you hock your heart or your lungs, on the other hand, you’ll have a hard time living long enough to spend the money, even if your mouse pointer is already hovering over the “Buy It Now” button on that complete Playboy collection in the custom Dale Earnhardt slipcase offered on eBay.
what does neil gaiman word processor
According to Neil Gaiman himself, he writes his novels in longhand, with a fountain pen, using blank bound books and a variety of pens loaded with differently-colored ink. He alternates ink every day to see how much he’s written any given day.
i can’t start my delorean
Obvious snark about checking the flux capacitor, or missing the required 1.21 gigawatts of juice aside: You have a DeLorean? Cool.
(Absent any symptom descriptions, I’d troubleshoot as follows: fuel (any left in the tank?), battery (is it flat?), starter (is it making any sound at all?), carburetor (is it clogged?) Or, you know, call AAA. With a mechanically temperamental car like a DeLorean, I’d make sure my membership is in good standing every year.
big game hunting in africa with 22magnum
The terms “big game” and “.22 Magnum” don’t go together. If you insist on taking your varmint popper to Africa, try to limit your game selection: anything that won’t fit into a smallish backpack is probably too big to reliably drop. Don’t even think about taking on a lion with your .22 Magnum–that’s like hanging a sign around your neck that says “FREE CAT FUD”.
slim injection work?
Not nearly as well as the revolutionary diet plan I developed, called the PDTFFAGOTT Method. (“Put Down The Fucking Fork And Get On The Treadmill.”) Send $149 in cash, money order, or Amazon.com gift cards, and I will share this amazing secret with you.
Sheesh…everybody’s looking for the easy pill, injection, or trinket to shed weight. Burn more calories than you take in every day, and you’ll lose weight. You do this by either burning more calories, taking in fewer calories, or a combination of the above. (I swear, if I set up shop in a strip mall and advertised “slim injections”, I could turn a box of saline bags and a stack of pamphlets with scientifically-sounding claims into a swimming pool full of cash in a month.)
can you chip ice off a roof
You can, if you’re careful. Don’t use any sharp-edged metal objects, or you can damage your roof. I’ve had good results with a pike handle made from heavy plastic, using the wide, flat end to knock the ice loose from above.
germany socialized healthcare problems
Germany’s socialized health care has the same sort of problems as every socialized health system: unlimited demand, limited supply, cost overruns, and an army of government bureaucrats rationing the supply while micro-managing the doctors. (If you think that private HMOs are heartless, inefficient, and only focused on cutting costs, wait until we get socialized medicine in the U.S., and going to the doctor’s is like going to the DMV.)
lost and damned new swat vehicle
Somewhere in Suburbia, U.S.A., the local SWAT team is waiting for the shiny new armored vehicle they just got in a few days ago, and summoned for a no-knock raid last night. To the dude who Googled that search term: find a road sign, go to mapquest.com, and punch in your intended destination. Also, ask the Chief to have the armored SWATmobile upgraded with GPS. It’s only $100 or so for a dash-mount unit from Best Buy, which is an amount you can easily asset-forfeit at your next no-knock. Best of luck!
That’s it for this week, folks! Remember to feed some wacky search terms into the Snarkolator for next week’s edition!