monday search term safari XXXIX.

married man minivan radio show

Well, I could try my hand at Podcasting,  but there are maybe four people in the country who’d listen to The Married Man Minivan Show, and three of them are living in the same house with me.

how do fisher cats defend itself

Fisher cats are black belts in the art of Mustelid-Fu, also called “weasel karate”.  It involves just going absolutely batshit insane on someone.  (Ever seen a weasel fight?  It’s like watching a razor-studded Slinky in the spin cycle of a washing machine.)

protecting your dog from fisher cats

Try one of these:


jet li gun disassemble

That’s a particularly pervasive and annoying bit of gun shop urban legend.  “Don’t buy a Beretta 92! The bad guy can just rip the slide right off!”

Bullshit, bullshit, utter bullshit.  Taking the slide off a Beretta 92 requires the consent of the person holding the gun.  If you Google screen shots from Lethal Weapon 4, you’ll see that Mel Gibson’s Beretta already had the takedown lever conveniently rotated into the “down” position when Jet Li pulled the slide off.  To rotate that lever, you have to press a teensy button on the right side of the frame, and simultaneously press down on a teensy ledge on the lever itself (which is on the left side of the frame.) If you can do all those things in less time than it takes for the owner to pull the trigger, then you’re either superhuman, or the person holding the gun is fast asleep.

Oh, and don’t even try to tell me that you or one of your buddies can do that stunt. (Ask yourself why even super-duper martial arts wizard Jet Li needed the takedown lever pre-staged.) I hereby challenge anyone who makes such a claim to come up here to Castle Frostbite with $1,000 to put up against my $1,000.  If you can pull the slide off a stock, unmodified, un-fucked-with Beretta 92 before I pull the trigger, you get a free grand.  If you can’t, you get a Simunitions round between the running lights, and I get to buy myself some shiny stuff.

Don’t take your gun knowledge from Hollywood movies, kids. And yes, the adults in the room will know when you’re talking BS.

marx gas station

If Marx ran a gas station, it would be owned by everyone.  There’d never be any gas available, but at least it would be free.  Also, the c-store would only carry Bulgarian shoes, those little Babushka dolls, cheap-ass Russian vodka, gray Duroplast buckets, and Klavkalash meat snacks. (“No bowl! Stick! Stick!”)

what does “naturalized born” mean

You’re confusing two terms: “natural born”, and “naturalized”.  The former means you were born an American citizen (either on U.S. soil, or to at least one citizen parent while on foreign soil), the latter means you’ve acquired citizenship through naturalization (becoming a citizen by legal decree from a  federal court.)

astra closed slide stuck handgun

You either have a bulged case in your pistol’s chamber that’s keeping the slide shut via friction, or you have an Astra 400, which has a hojilion-pound recoil spring that requires two men and a mule to cycle the slide.

how to write with pen and paper instead

If you put the pen on the paper with the pointy end down, you’ll notice that it transfers a liquid onto the paper. That liquid is called “ink”.  Holding the pen in your hand, you…ah, you know what? Fuck it.  If you need to Google how to write with pen and paper, please turn off the computer, and report to the nearest Soylent Green factory.

can sex offenders ligally bare arms

Yes, I’m pretty sure it’s legal for them to roll up their sleeves and show off their prison tats. 

Ugh.  The last two search terms make me weep with abject despair at the state of pooblick edjukayshun.  LOLspeak isn’t funny when it’s the only way you can spell.

And that’s this week’s edition, friends and neighbors!  Tune in again next week for another round!


6 thoughts on “monday search term safari XXXIX.

  1. julie says:

    it’s a real shame that there’s no opportunity for explainatory comments from the originators of the search terms – i.e. i’m dying to know why someone googled “how to write with pen and paper instead”. On the other hand there’s many a search term where I REALLY DO NOT want to know the “why”!

  2. perlhaqr says:

    Can the takedown lever on a beretta still be rotated downward after the slide has been pushed back out of battery?

  3. avenger29 says:

    The Married Man Minivan show search term refers to the Married Man skit on the John Boy and Billy Show, of course…

  4. MarkHB says:

    You know, I think these Search Term Safaris are a brilliant basis for a self-help book.

    “The Trick Is To Breathe, You Anencephalic Fucktards” by Mr. M. Kloos.

  5. OrangeNeckInNY says:

    Speaking of Mel Gibson and his Beretta, I challenge anyone to fucking shoot a smiley face on a paper target with one at 25 yds. I can’t even do that with my more-accurate 1911 in 10mm.

  6. formerflyer says:

    Love your writing, and I can’t wait to buy your book, and the Search Term Safari is my favorite Monday read. I must take minor exception to your 92f comments, though.

    I never saw LW4, but when the stories about perpetrators disassembling 92’s were first published in the gun magazines in the late 80’s, I was managing a good sized gun store in Portland. We immediately grabbed a display model 92SBF and had at it. We cleared the firearm to all witnesses, then I had another employee hold it pointing just past me (I still didn’t want anybody pointing a gun at me no matter how many people had cleared it). I told him that I was going to wait between 30 and 60 seconds before my attempt, so that I could have at least a semblance of the element of surprise in my favor. In my first attempt I ripped off the slide within a fraction of a second after I got my fingers on the gun; I was shocked! I hit the take down release button with my fingers (knew it was there and so I just pressed with all of my fingers as I grabbed the slide) and hit the take down latch with my thumb in a sweeping motion. The take-ee had a natural startle reaction and pulled back an empty frame. We repeated this experiment a couple dozen times, all of us taking turns. It only worked about 50% of the time, but it DID WORK 50% OF THE TIME!

    If someone was desperate, if they were being held at gunpoint at too close a distance by someone armed with a Beretta 92 of one type or another, and if they were feeling lucky, it could be done. Note, however, that if you’re close enough to disassemble the gun you’re close enough to push it out of battery too. Offsetting the foregoing is that, if you’ve accomplished this particular stupid human trick, you have totally disabled their sidearm beyond repair or the ability to reengage. Rumor was that street gangs in LA decided that it was worth their time to train for this eventuality, although I’ve never heard of anyone actually having their gun disassembled in an actual confrontation.

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