monday search term safari XLIV.

view from 50000 feet

What are you flying that can get up to FL500?  That’s pretty high up in the sky, in Learjet territory.  (Picture standing on the top floor of a building that’s almost ten miles tall.  You’d probably be able to see Senator Burris’ ego all the way from Seattle.)

example of 3rd person past tense

Go to a bookstore. Pull a novel off the shelf at random.  You have an 80% chance of grabbing one that’s written in Third Person Past Tense.  If there’s a Standard/Default setting for narrative tense and perspective, that one’s it.

vp xii

That was a week of concentrated deep-fried awesome, slathered with awesomesauce.  If you’re thinking about applying for Viable Paradise XIII, you should absolutely go for it, even if you have to pick up soda cans on the side of the highway for three months to get the cash for the tuition.  So. Very. Worth it.

how to commission a custom beretta

Buy a stock Beretta of whatever model strikes your fancy.  Hand it to a competent gunsmith, along with a large wad of dollar bills and a list of custom modifications.  Wait a few months.  Get the gun back, minus the large wad of dollar bills.  (We also call this process “spending $1000 to turn a $600 gun into a $700 gun.”)

120 lb girl. how much hydrogen peroxide

That depends on what you want to do with your 120lb. girl.  Do you want to bleach her hair, disinfect her, dissolve her completely, or launch her on a ballistic trajectory?

parker 51

That’s a fountain pen made by Parker between 1941 and 1974.  It’s probably the most famous fountain pen in the world.  (I wrote up a gushing review here.)

the happiness of being a parent

It comes in handy half-gallon PET bottles, and can be purchased at your local package store.

wranglers breakfast drink

Rum & Coke, or vodka & Fresca.  (I kid, of course.  I’d never touch hard liquor before 11am.)

rejected wii titles

I did those a few months back, in collaboration with friend MarkHB:

Kitten Golf
Super Mario Proctologist
Dr. Lecter’s Magic Kingdom
Concentration Camp Guard Challenge
WiiGurgitation, with Mr. Binge and Mr. Purge, the bulimia fairies
Wii Abortion Doctor
Hamas Hamas Inferno
IED Obstacle Racing
Puppy Stomp Revolution

removing beretta 92 chamber loaded indicator

Since the chamber loaded indicator on the Beretta 92 is simply some red paint on top of the extractor, you can cover it up with black paint if that sliver of red bothers you.  (I wouldn’t recommend removing the extractor altogether, since that may have a sub-optimal effect on function.)

company laptop private?

Think about what you just wrote.  (It’s called a company laptop because it belongs to the company.  Anything on it is automatically not private.)

servant gets fucked by master

There’s an entire website devoted to that fetish:

neil stephenson fountain pen waterman

It’s Neal Stephenson, and according to an interview I once read, one of his novel-writing pens is a Waterman Gentleman.  (He wrote his entire Baroque Cycle in longhand.  I’ve seen a picture of the handwritten manuscript, which forms an impressive replica of the Empire State Building in his office.)

chipmunks know as timbertigers

Timber tigers, huh?  That’s droll.  Last night at the blogmeet, I learned that moose are called “swamp donkeys” by some Mainers. This cracks me up for some undefinable reason.

naming your kids after states

That can be sort of cute (Dakota), kind of clumsy (Massachusetts, Mississippi), or downright derogatory.  (If you have a girl, you probably shouldn’t name her “Idaho”.)

summer glau teh hawtness

I find myself largely in agreement with this statement.

how to know if your family is royal

Do you live in a palace, and do people routinely address you as “Your Majesty”, “Sire”, or “Your Royal Highness”?  Then chances are good that your family is royal.  If, on the other hand, you live in Violent Acres trailer park, and people routinely address you as “Bubba”, “Cooter”, or “Bobbi Lou”, then you can safely assume that you’re not, in fact, the member of a royal family.

if i give you my kidney will i be compensated

Not by me.  What am I going to do with your kidney, anyway?  I’d probably just leave it in the fridge and forget all about it until it turns sentient, just like that tofu parmesan Robin made recently.


That’s the take for this week, friends and neighbors.  Tune in again next week when we once again mine the stats page for easy blogging material!


15 thoughts on “monday search term safari XLIV.

  1. Jay says:

    Never heard “timber tigers”. We called them “mini-bears” for a long time.

  2. “Dakota”? “Massachusetts”? Huh?

    I passed this article along to my brothers Gas and Plasma, and they couldn’t figure out what you were getting at either.

  3. Marko says:

    All that’s missing now is a comment from someone named Confusion, and his brother Denial.

  4. “(We also call this process “spending $1000 to turn a $600 gun into a $700 gun.”)”

    way too generous…on my side of the counter we called it spending a grand to turn a nice gun into a bad hammer.


  5. MarkHB says:

    WhiteKnightTwo goes up to FL500. Hopefully there’ll be plenty of photos from up there in the coming year. Yay.

  6. LabRat says:

    I would buy a Wii to play Kitten Golf. And this is coming from someone that likes cats.

  7. MarkHB says:

    There are two well-loved cats in this house, and I’d do the graphics for Kitten Golf.

  8. OrangeNeckInNY says:

    How many yards would a kitten go if you swung a 9-iron at it?

  9. perlhaqr says:

    OrangeNeck: Depends on what sort of residential neighborhood you’re in.

    NJ Row Houses? Maybe 9 or 10 yards.

    Average suburbia? 5 yards, tops.

    Countryside? Maybe not even out of your own yard.

  10. […] Markos on custom guns: We also call this process spending $1000 to turn a $600 gun into a $700 gun. […]

  11. Robb Allen says:

    As someone with a daughter named Georgia, I shan’t comment 😉

  12. […] Posted on March 24, 2009 by Caleb At the excerpt from this post: how to commission a custom […]

  13. Tam says:

    (We also call this process “spending $1000 to turn a $600 gun into a $700 gun.”)

    Quinn’s Model 57 is still safe and sound, no fear. 😀

  14. ahh, so this one came from the file marked “hard lessons from real life”…

    damn, that girl has an archival bit for everything, huh?


  15. Hey, cool tips. Perhaps I’ll buy a bottle of beer to that man from that chat who told me to visit your blog 🙂

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