monday search term safari XLIX.

bulimia fairies

They’re called Purge and Binge.  I have a children’s book about them in the works, and I can’t wait for Oprah to review it.

waterman fountain pen

I prefer Lamys, Pelikans, and Parkers, but Waterman makes good pens.  I have a $20 Waterman Kultur that’s a lovely writer, and their Carene is a pretty pen.  For a starter pen, you could do worse than to pick up a Kultur or Phileas.

satanic train rituals

I must have missed that episode of Thomas the Tank Engine.  Can you give me an Amazon link, maybe?  I’d hate for Quinn to miss out on his favorite anthropomorphic locomotive sacrificing virgins under the full moon, or something.

religion of craigs list murderer

What does it matter?  If he follows a religion you don’t like, you’ll say, “Ha!  I knew it!  Those heretics are all good-for-nothing miscreants!”…and if he follows the same religion as you, you’ll say, “Obviously, he wasn’t a true believer.”

gay statues

Statues don’t have a sexual preference because they’re made of inanimate matter, you see.  If you mean “gay” in that juvenile, derogatory way that seems to mean “gauche” or “uncool”, the closest thing to “gay statues” would be the bombastic kitsch put out by the Nazi artists in 1930s Germany–huge statues of perfect Germanic peoples, chiseled abs and bulging pecs.  (Funny how Hitler, Goebbels, and Goering looked absolutely nothing like those ideal Germans.)

africa biggest government looters

Africa has a long tradition of thieving heads of state–people who, upon gaining office, immediately start converting their country into their personal treasury and fiefdom.  That’s how Robert Mugabe’s wife Grace can go on shopping trips to Europe and buy hundreds of pairs of shoes, while Zimbabweans die of cholera and malnutrition.  You can be pretty sure that once Mugabe’s gone, there’ll be someone else stepping up to claim the job of self-centered despot.

seax knife

The Seax was the traditional personal weapon of my ancient ancestors, the Saxons.  (They derived their name from the Seax, actually.)  It was a large, single-edged knife that often had brass studs on the hilt.  Tip to aspiring fantasy authors: if you want to create a believable culture, give it a signature weapon.  Just about every notable culture in world history has a particular weapon that’s closely associated with it. 

favorite 80s movies grosse point blank

Grosse Pointe Blank is not an Eighties movie, having been released in 1997.  You may be confused because Grosse Pointe Blank stars John Cusack, who starred in a trillion movies in the 1980s, and without whom we wouldn’t have such Eighties classics as Say Anything and Better Off Dead.

stanag bullpups

The only bullpup rifles that take STANAG magazines are the British L85, FN F2000, and the Bushmaster M17.  The only working bullpup rifles that take STANAG magazines are…uh… 

*cue sound of crickets*

browncoats hitler

The term you’re looking for is brownshirts.  Hitler’s SA goons were the brownshirts.  Browncoats are something else entirely–duster-wearing libertarian-leaning geeks who all dream of flying around in a battered old smuggling freighter, and having sex with Kaylee or Jayne Cobb. 

(Before I get hate mail from all you Browncoats: I have a brown duster, too…and yes, Jayne is totally hot.)

nh resident car purchase pay mass sales

Why in the world would a NH resident buy a car in the People’s Republic, and pay MA sales tax, when you could be giving your business to NH car dealers who will sell you that vehicle sales tax-free?  (AFAIK, Vermont also doesn’t charge sales tax to NH residents who buy a car in the Green Mountain State.)  If you absolutely have too much money to spend, just buy a car in NH, calculate what the sales tax in MA would have been, and then send a check to the MA People’s Secretary of Paying Your Fair Share, So Our Governor Can Keep Giving Cushy No-Work State Jobs To His Pals.  (Yeah, it’s a long title.  You should see the sign on his door…even the acronym looks like one of those Welsh town names.)

being a parent soon

Oh, you’re in for a fun ride, and I don’t mean that with any degree of sarcasm. 


Thus begins your Monday, loyal readers.  Grab that bitch by the horns and show it who’s boss, will you?


31 thoughts on “monday search term safari XLIX.

  1. MarkHB says:

    You know I have a sudden urge to render up Thomas with waxed moustachios and an Opera cape, with some flaxen lass squealing and kicking tied to the tracks.

    This is one of many reasons I’m not allowed to do children’s books. That, and my “Mr. Inappropriate” series which had me banned from using a word-processor for three years.

  2. Tam says:

    In re: your tweet “Is there word for the musician equivalent of the midlist author?

    Yes. It’s “waiter.”

  3. prophet says:

    mmmmmm, Kaylee…

    Damn you, now every time I think of Kaylee, Jayne will be right there!

  4. Jay G. says:

    Actually, a NH could buy a car in MA without paying sales tax. You only pay the tax when you register the car – which would be done in NH, not MA.

    They do this because otherwise MAholes would buy all their cars in NH, where there is no sales tax whatsoever…

  5. Jay G. says:

    Crap, that was supposed to read “a NH resident”.


  6. Joe Allen says:

    “Browncoats are something else entirely–duster-wearing libertarian-leaning geeks who all dream of flying around in a battered old smuggling freighter, and having sex with Kaylee or Jayne Cobb.”

    That is vile baseless slander!

    I’ll be in my bunk.

  7. Brass says:

    Grosse Point can be confusing since the entire soundtrack was made up of 80’s songs.

  8. MarkHB says:

    There is one good reason to own a Blu-Ray player on this rock, and it is Kaylee, in the cargo bay, with the strawberry.

    Oh, yus. Yus indeedy.

  9. Laughingdog says:

    Browncoats are something else entirely–duster-wearing libertarian-leaning geeks who all dream of flying around in a battered old smuggling freighter, and having sex with Kaylee or Jayne Cobb.

    Hey, having the hots for Kaylee or Jayne is not a prerequisite for being a Browncoat. Some of us prefer Inara, and most of the women I know that like the show actually prefer Mal over Jayne.

    So I guess the more accurate statement would be “having sex with [insert crew member name here].”

  10. pdb says:

    Just about every notable culture in world history has a particular weapon that’s closely associated with it.

    Sure, the Scots have the claymore, the Gurkhas have the Kukri, the Puerto Ricans have the baseball bat, Texans have the SAA, South Carloginians have the 30-30 with a $500 Leupold…

  11. perlhaqr says:

    So, in that “Kaylee or Jayne” option, is that an exclusive or?

  12. The KelTec RFB’s a stanag bullpup rifle, so is the FAMAS G2 series

    My buddy in the army sais he was more than mildly impressed by the FAMAS … as far as stanag bullpups that work go.

  13. Weer'd Beard says:

    I belive the Steyr AUG can accept STANG mags (at least in one morph) as well as the IMI Tavor.

    Oh and the FNH FS2000.

    Not sure if any of them “Work”, because I generally feel swaping mags blind into your armpit generally a goofy idea, and placing you cheek right over the chamber seems like a lousy place to have it in the event of a head-seperation.

  14. Matt G says:

    (Some of us would be willing to consider a very Special Level of Hell for Saffron.)

  15. Kristopher says:

    …and yes, Jayne is totally hot.

    I’m sorry, but even with that hat on, he just doesn’t do it.

  16. MarkHB says:

    A special level of hell, Matt, reserved for child molesters and people who speak at the theatre.

  17. I leave for A-stan in less than a week. I’ll ask some of the French troops how they’re FAMASs work.

    I can’t read French, so I can’t go surfing the Frankish equivalent of

  18. Marko says:

    The FAMAS is all right. I had a chance to toy with one at an international military shindig in Eindhoven. The Foreign Legion was in attendance, and some of them speak German…but only when no officers or senior sergeants are around.

    The one I got to fondle was the first version with the proprietary 25-round mags, not the newer G2 version. If I had to pick a bullpup, it’d be between that one and the AUG, although the FAMAS is handier.

    Hard to believe, but the Frogs actually managed to put together a pretty decent little rifle.

  19. T.Stahl says:

    From what I hear friends who served in the Franco-German Brigade or evaluated it up in Norway, the FAMAS is LOUD!, because the bolt runs right past your right ear, and it also brings tears to your eyes, as the ejection port vents the gases up and into them.
    As for the FN F2000: Try to clear a jam without having to send the rifle back to the armoury!

  20. Ken says:

    Brass beat me to it, w/r/t Grosse Point Blank.

    I had two Phileas pens, once. They’ve crept up a bit in price (around $45, last I looked). I had to replace the nib in the older one (dropped it on a tile floor, shame on me) and it cost as much as the pen did new. They are both gone now (double shame on me). I will look into the Kultur, as I’m reduced to a Sheaffer (actually, it writes well enough, but it’s a durn eyesore).

  21. Marko says:

    The Kultur is a plain, un-blingy version of the Phileas. They don’t sell it at Office Staples Depot, but they’re plentiful on eBay for under $20. It’s the same pen, just without the two-tone nib and the Art Deco trim.

  22. Bob says:

    Thomas the Tank Engine satanic train rituals – The sacrifice virgins at the crossing. [cue demonic laughter]

  23. Keith says:

    Inara first and foremost. Did you not see her and her bow towards the end of Serenity?

  24. Antibubba says:

    I’m pretty sure one of the bulimia fairies answers to Chuck.

  25. J.R. Shirley says:

    Actually, the Aussies I talked to in Afghanistan, say the L85 works now (didn’t HK work on them?).

    And Zoe, without a doubt. I would have dropped Kaylee off a bridge because she’s willing to have her crew killed because she’s…JUST…SO…SCARED! And it happened more than once. I would have let her go the first time (as in, on the next planet). 2nd time? Up against the wall, and three to COM.

    • Marko says:

      The Aussies use a domestically-licensed AUG, don’t they?

      Yeah, the SA80/L85 got a makeover from H&K. Apparently, it sort of works now.

      • Tam says:

        The Aussie-built AUGs have a reputation for suck that almost equals the L85 or early M16…

        (And just because the Aussies use AUGs doesn’t mean the couldn’t talk to John about L85s; maybe they’d been working with Limeys, too.)

    • T.Stahl says:

      If I were an Aussie I wouldn’t care whether the L85 worked or not, because I’d be carrying an F88 Austeyr. 🙂

  26. B Smith says:

    River. I mean, yeah, she’s too young, so she’d need a few years… but there’s something about a graceful, delicate-looking girl who can kick Jayne’s ass on his best day, and makes even Zoe break that confident stride through the cargo bay…
    You’d never be bored, anyway 🙂

  27. MarkHB says:

    B Smith,

    River is closely proximate to my feminine ideal. If only she were as tall as Zoe… *sigh*

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