a book destined to sell only nineteen copies.

A recent comment motivated me to create a protagonist for a new series of novels–a main character who’s designed to be as offensive as possible to the greatest number of readers, so I’ll get the maximum number of incensed letters from infuriated people, and indignant press releases from all the easily offended groups out there.

He’s a paranormal detective who moonlights as an abortion doctor.  He’s married to his husband Steve, a derivatives trader and investment broker who’s running a profitable Ponzi scheme.  He drives a Humvee without mufflers, and listens to The Origin of Species and The God Delusion on CD while commuting.  He starts all conversations with the most appropriate ethnic slur for the other person.  He owns a baby-eating pitbull, and deals crack in front of the elementary school in his spare time.  His favorite foods are foie gras, and fast food in non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers.  He owns a closet full of assault weapons, and enjoys denying the Holocaust.  His hobbies include child pornography, and going to neighborhood churches to loudly preach competing theologies.  On vacation, he goes to Greenland every summer to club baby seals for a few weeks.

That should just about cover all the bases, I think.

Now I just need a name for my protagonist.  Any suggestions?  (The key here is offensiveness without the brute-force approach of overt vulgarity.)


79 thoughts on “a book destined to sell only nineteen copies.

  1. Eric says:

    Dick Schmertz

  2. Sherm says:

    Adolph Mengele

  3. Mer says:

    Richard White.

  4. Matt says:

    Aldritch Smegajew

  5. Tam says:

    Max Shay D’Enfreud

  6. vince says:

    Make that 20 copies…I’d read that 🙂

    name suggestion: Dirk Bareback

  7. Mark Pixler says:

    Buckwheat Osama Hitler

  8. scotaku says:

    George Cheney “Chimpy” Bush

  9. Chris Pugrud says:

    Rupert “Dave” Svengold

  10. Divemedic says:

    I don’t know, but the title of the book could be “Nuke the Whales for Jesus”

  11. One of your state’s politicians had the best name, which could be used for your character:

    Richard Sweat

  12. vinnie says:

    You need to make him a short overweight smoker too. And balding.

  13. Al T. says:

    LOL, agree with Pawnbroker. “Tom”….

  14. Kresh says:

    “Steven Hawkings,” as I believe the only people you haven’t offended are mathematicians and quadriplegics.

    This will finish the job.

  15. Bob says:

    The problem with your thinking is that if its well written people will read it. No matter how unappealing your protagonist is.

    Of course you can just write a bad book and accomplish the same thing.

    Name: City Hall

  16. DAL357 says:

    For no particular reason, Cray Carson.

  17. JIGSAW says:

    yep, definitely needs to be “cigar smoking” as well …
    oh, and should he be gay or outspokenly homophobic?
    if he was outspokenly homophobic you could then make him a “skirt chasing sleaze” and offend women as well …
    as for a name … mmm … i’ld go for something understated – Fred Smith or similar.

  18. TCK says:

    Irving Randolf Stevenson

  19. Ken Hall says:

    Flint Ironstag.

  20. i just couldn’t let this be “the post destined to get only nineteen comments”…


  21. damn it, ken, you messed up my gag by a minute…:o(


  22. rickn8or says:

    Arlen Spector.

  23. deadcenter says:

    Richard Holder…only his friends call him…

    I think he needs two things, a baby seal eating Samoyed and in his spare time he mathematically proves that anthropogenic global warming is impossible.

    Try John Ringo’s Ghost series…

  24. Antibubba says:


  25. ibex says:

    I noticed that your protagonist is not a misogynist. Well, maybe that makes him all the more offensive, discriminating against women like that.

  26. David says:

    Does he have multiple husbands? Just curious …

    How about “Bjorn Free”? Always liked that name.

  27. MarkHB says:

    Raunch Beefsocket.

  28. Jay G. says:

    There are those that call him… “Tim”.

  29. Jason says:

    Joe Saxpick

  30. aczarnowski says:

    Peter Griffin?

    But I suppose your protagonist won’t “learn an important lesson” by the end of each 30 minute episode so that probably won’t work…

    Go with Tom. Or John.

  31. steve says:

    “The Stig”

  32. steve says:

    “The Stig, some say…….”

  33. Dave says:

    Holden McGroin

  34. Tony says:

    Hey, in what rule book does it say that a guy married to another guy can’t cheat on his husband on the side by chasing anything in a skirt? There, that ought to pile on some more insult to a whole bunch of people! 😀

    (Sorry, I’m terribly bad with names so no suggestions from me.)

  35. Dr. Feelgood says:


  36. KC says:

    Phil McCracken
    or the ever popular
    Mike Hunt

  37. Wild Deuce says:

    “A gay philanderer who cheats on his husband…with” … his sister.

    I would go with Stephen Hawking and make his sister an “anti-science” creationist Muslim (if you are marketing the book in Asia) or Christian (if you are marketing the book in the USA). He also preaches abstinence and advocates forced vaccinations of all homeschoolers .

    Now you’ve covered all the bases.

  38. williamthecoroner says:

    The name? It’s a series. Call him Cliff Hanger.

  39. Doug says:

    Bubba Feinstein Quaddafi.

    The world’s only Shite Jewish Redneck.

    • Dominique says:

      I am aghast at how utterly -awesome- that is. And of course, now I’m wondering if somewhat like that actually exists. (Bonus points if they’re black, as well.)

  40. J T Bolt says:

    Well, you can take inspiration from MST3K’s treatment of ‘Space Mutiny’ in 1997:

    “Crow: [the macho names they invent for the films hero] Slab bulkhead!
    Tom Servo: Bridge Largemeat!
    Mike Nelson: Punt Speedchunk!
    Crow: Butch Deadlift!
    Crow: Bald Bigplank!
    Mike Nelson: Splint Chesthair!
    Mike Nelson: Flint Ironstag!
    Crow: Bulk Vanderhuge!
    Mike Nelson: Thick Mcrunfast!
    Crow: Buff Drinklots!
    Tom Servo: Slunk Slabchest!
    Crow: Fist Rockbone!
    Mike Nelson: Stomp Beefmob!
    Tom Servo: Smash Lampjaw!
    Crow: Punch Rockgroin!
    Mike Nelson: Buck Plankchest!
    Crow: Stump Chokmen!
    Tom Servo: Dirk Hardpeck!
    Mike Nelson: Rip Steakface!
    Tom Servo: Crud Bonemeal!
    Mike Nelson: Brick Hardmeat!
    Crow: Rip Slabcheek!
    Tom Servo: Bob Johnson! No wait…
    Mike Nelson: Smoke Man Muscle!
    Mike Nelson: Gristle McThornbody! “

  41. MarkHB says:

    Badtouch McFondle’s idea of really good porn was “When Colostomies Fail” (a five-volume set of DVD). Banned in 206 countries, but still available on Amazon.

    • Jay Hafemeister says:

      “Badtouch McFondle’s idea of really good porn was…”

      Holy crap that was FUNNY! I actually shed tears.

  42. MarkHB says:

    How about “Pink Neckbolt”?

  43. Aaron says:

    He should have an Ian Curtis mannequin hanging in his kitchen.

    Too soon?

  44. MarkHB says:

    “Tangerine and Ligature Monthly” subscription. Yes.

  45. Kristopher says:

    Marco Kloos, of course.

    Then we will have offended the author as well.

  46. Kristopher says:

    Title: Writers of Gor!

  47. Rick in NY says:

    Benjamin Rose Dover.

    Marko, let me know when this book’s done, I’ll buy a copy.

  48. MarkHB says:

    Algernon Felchinton-Sloppe

  49. Tiffani says:

    Wait! You missed something in your description. If he’s an abortion doctor and he has a baby-eating pitbull, he practices recycling and doesn’t litter. So he’s not THAT bad.

  50. bluntobject says:

    Either “Mohammed Featherbottom” or “Denis Leary” (“…in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers…”).

    And yeah, I’m in for a copy.

  51. Antibubba says:

    Actually, if you want to go for full-bore insult, name him “Martin King”, middle name Lawrence.

    That should get it banned somewhere, maybe get riots started.

  52. farmist says:

    Richard Johnson, but his friends call him “Big”. …and yes, I’m in for a copy.

  53. Brian Dale says:

    “That should get it banned somewhere, maybe get riots started.” ~Antibubba

    Riots? Hell, Al Sharpton will declare a fatwah.

    I’m in for a copy.

  54. Holly says:

    I kinda like him.

  55. Strings says:

    I’d say Antibubba or Tam should win this one: don’t think those are really “topable”…

    Oh… in his philandering, he should engage in sado-masochistic bindage games with women…

  56. wrm says:

    I’m thinking there’s at least one group you havn’t yet insulted?

    So call him Joseph Smith…

    (I am sooo going to hell)

  57. ZaP2012 says:

    Adolph Marx Manson

    but Joseph Smith works to

    if this book every does come to be I need it

  58. Steve says:

    I think “Steve” should decide to have a sex-change, at which point our hero’s trans-phobia is revealed. He buys “Steve” a sex toy and rides Jenna Jameson (sp) into the sunset.

  59. Steve says:

    Forgive me, Marko. Or maybe Marilyn Chambers, to throw a little necrophilia into the mix.

  60. MarkHB says:

    Necrophilia’s dead boring.

  61. Antibubba says:

    Strings said:

    “I’d say Antibubba or Tam should win this one: don’t think those are really “toppable”…”

    Well, even runner up would be an honor–if that’s the case, I’ll take a copy or two. No, three–I just thought of a road trip to Berkley, so I can place it on the shelf. Now, in what section should that be?

  62. MarkHB says:

    THE DEATH OF 40,000 pickles up the nose to all foes to Badtouch McFondel!

  63. Necrofelia’s boring?
    Without the proper soundtrack maybe

    “One thing I miss is Cold Ethyl and her skeleton kiss.
    We met last night making love under the refrigerator light”

    Honestly, if it ever hits the silver screen, having him listen to “your momma’s on crack rock” by the dogs is an absolute must

    I honestly doubt even you could out-offend that!

    *braces himself for inevitable proof that you can*

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