disassemble gun while in at gunpoint
Getting your firearms and martial arts knowledge from the movies is as useless as getting your geology and anthropology knowledge from The Flintstones. You will not be able to field-strip a loaded gun pointed at you, unless your assailant has the reflexes of a heavily sedated three-toed sloth with a pot addiction. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either living in Fantasy Land, or trying to sell you a martial arts video.
what the fuck is wrong with florida
Its population is made up in equal parts of snowbirds (“Florida: America’s Retirement Home”), alligators, drug dealers, and people either working at Disney World, or visiting it. It’s inhumanly hot and muggy most of the year, and every few years, a hurricane will come through and blow the whole place halfway to Alabama. P.J. O’Rourke once described the experience of visiting Florida being “like taking a shower in a high-crime drainage ditch.” (Actually, he said that about New Orleans, but it fits Florida perfectly, too.)
That would be everyone. In 1914, all the European countries were itching to have a Splendid Little War. Everybody thought the war would take a few weeks or months at the most, everyone would have a chance to earn some medals, and the glory and honor of the homeland would be restored/maintained/increased.(Some German rail cars transporting soldiers had “Christmas in Paris!” written on their sides.) War opponents (what few there were, anyway) were considered unpatriotic vermin. Then everyone shot, gassed, and shelled everyone else, and most of the belligerent nations pulped the majority of their young men on the battlefield.
ibm model m keyboards suck
They have no illuminated keys, gauche little blinking lights or ground effects, macro buttons, or awesome product labels with names of cool shit like cyborgs or poisonous snakes. For gaming twitchfests, they probably do suck. For people who use their keyboards to actually, you know, type a lot, they’re the best thing ever.
prerequisite for becoming parent
Love, patience, and a well-stocked liquor cabinet.
pretty cuban girls
I will say that about Cuba: of all the remaining dictatorships in the world, communist or otherwise, they’re least likely to make me flinch when I imagine a Playboy Special: Girls Of <Dictatorship>.
crime reports around public housing
There are no crimes around public housing. The residents in public housing aren’t allowed to own guns, they’re subject to random gun and drug searches, they have a special police force and an entire government agency to look after them, and all the housing is owned by the government. Public housing projects are therefore model societies, unencumbered by capitalist excess or archaic observation of outdated civil liberties.
flat layout of the planet earth
Those are called maps. The actual Earth is roughly spherical. (Fun fact: The Bible doesn’t actually claim that the Earth is flat. The theological opposition to the “round earth” theory was based on Revelations 1:7, which says that when Christ comes, “every eye shall see Him”…something that’s not possible on a spherical planet. As for the heliocentric model of the solar system–that’s a completely different can of theological worms.)
buy whole cows butchered in ma
When I read that, I imagined an entire cow on a huge Styrofoam tray, wrapped in shrinkwrap, and parked in the meat section over at Price Chopper. That would be for the few recipes that necessitate an entire bovine, like Stuffed Cow with Egg Noodles.
a bad word to call a mexico
Countries hate it when you refer to them as minor plots of undesirable real estate. Try calling your Mexico a “weed-infested parking lot on the ass of Texas”, for example. That should offend your Mexico greatly, and get you the desired reaction.
what happened to 3 pirates shot by seals
Their metabolic processes are now history. They’re off the twig, they’ve kicked the bucket, shuffled off their mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible. They are now ex-pirates.
There’s your Monday Search Term Safari for this week–the Intertubes equivalent of those nasty little powdered donuts in the vending machine at work, the ones you get when the hot girl from Benefits isn’t looking. Tune in again next week for another round!