monday search term safari LII.

disassemble gun while in at gunpoint

Getting your firearms and martial arts knowledge from the movies is as  useless as getting your geology and anthropology knowledge from The Flintstones.  You will not be able to field-strip a loaded gun pointed at you, unless your assailant has the reflexes of a heavily sedated three-toed sloth with a pot addiction.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is either living in Fantasy Land, or trying to sell you a martial arts video.

what the fuck is wrong with florida

Its population is made up in equal parts of snowbirds (“Florida: America’s Retirement Home”), alligators, drug dealers, and people either working at Disney World, or visiting it.  It’s inhumanly hot and muggy most of the year, and every few years, a hurricane will come through and blow the whole place halfway to Alabama.  P.J. O’Rourke once described the experience of visiting Florida being “like taking a shower in a high-crime drainage ditch.”  (Actually, he said that about New Orleans, but it fits Florida perfectly, too.)

warmongers ww1

That would be everyone.  In 1914, all the European countries were itching to have a Splendid Little War.  Everybody thought the war would take a few weeks or months at the most, everyone would have a chance to earn some medals, and the glory and honor of the homeland would be restored/maintained/increased.(Some German rail cars transporting soldiers had “Christmas in Paris!” written on their sides.)  War opponents (what few there were, anyway) were considered unpatriotic vermin.  Then everyone shot, gassed, and shelled everyone else, and most of the belligerent nations pulped the majority of their young men on the battlefield.

ibm model m keyboards suck

They have no illuminated keys, gauche little blinking lights or ground effects, macro buttons, or awesome product labels with names of cool shit like cyborgs or poisonous snakes.  For gaming twitchfests, they probably do suck.  For people who use their keyboards to actually, you know, type a lot, they’re the best thing ever.

prerequisite for becoming parent

Love, patience, and a well-stocked liquor cabinet.

pretty cuban girls

I will say that about Cuba: of all the remaining dictatorships in the world, communist or otherwise, they’re least likely to make me flinch when I imagine a Playboy Special: Girls Of <Dictatorship>.

crime reports around public housing

There are no crimes around public housing.  The residents in public housing aren’t allowed to own guns, they’re subject to random gun and drug searches, they have a special police force and an entire government agency to look after them, and all the housing is owned by the government.  Public housing projects are therefore model societies, unencumbered by capitalist excess or archaic observation of outdated civil liberties.

flat layout of the planet earth

Those are called maps.  The actual Earth is roughly spherical.  (Fun fact: The Bible doesn’t actually claim that the Earth is flat.  The theological opposition to the “round earth” theory was based on Revelations 1:7, which says that when Christ comes, “every eye shall see Him”…something that’s not possible on a spherical planet.  As for the heliocentric model of the solar system–that’s a completely different can of theological worms.)

buy whole cows butchered in ma

When I read that, I imagined an entire cow on a huge Styrofoam tray, wrapped in shrinkwrap, and parked in the meat section over at Price Chopper.  That would be for the few recipes that necessitate an entire bovine, like Stuffed Cow with Egg Noodles.

a bad word to call a mexico

Countries hate it when you refer to them as minor plots of undesirable real estate.  Try calling your Mexico a “weed-infested parking lot on the ass of Texas”, for example.  That should offend your Mexico greatly, and get you the desired reaction.

what happened to 3 pirates shot by seals

Their metabolic processes are now history.  They’re off the twig, they’ve kicked the bucket, shuffled off their mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible.  They are now ex-pirates.


There’s your Monday Search Term Safari for this week–the Intertubes equivalent of those nasty little powdered donuts in the vending machine at work, the ones you get when the hot girl from Benefits isn’t looking.  Tune in again next week for another round!


20 thoughts on “monday search term safari LII.

  1. John Gall says:

    “what the fuck is wrong with florida”
    What’s the reason for your rant on Florida?

    “warmongers ww1
    That would be everyone.”
    Strongly disagree with your “everyone.” Many thousands spoke out against it and many were persecuted because of their position. My position is that WW I proves the majority of humans refuse to learn that war is evil.

    • Marko says:

      Hint: I’m not entirely serious about Florida here.

      Also, “everyone” means the governments of the respective belligerent nations. And while we’re picking nits, war isn’t categorically evil–unless you want to argue that the Allies shouldn’t have opposed Hitler’s attempt at world conquest by force of arms.

  2. Laughingdog says:

    Hey, if I hadn’t nailed that pirate down, he would have nuzzled up to the door of the lifeboat, bent it open, and VOOM! Remarkable pirate, the Somalian Blue. Beautiful plumage.

  3. “what the fuck is wrong with florida”

    ouch. can’t deny the q-tips, gators, dopers, and meeses, but there’s probably also more of those hot cuban girls here than in cuba too, along with their less hot mustachioed sisters, and thanks to jimmah, a goodly number of their violent criminal cousins, and various/sundry “other”.

    as for hurricanes, except for temporary escapes to the north georgia hills, i’ve been in fla since ’58; palm beach county till ’82 and rural midstate sebring since then…and i’ve never experienced significant direct effect of the actually very rare hurricanes that have directly hit the state, including andrew and donna, until ’04. then, of course the odd confluence of four of the suckers had its effect…though my home sustained no damage at all, just a four-day loss of power.

    yeah, it’s a hotandsticky shithole in summer (which is why i head for those hills), but i don’t know if co-opting p.j.’s n’awlins script was proper in this case; it ain’t nearly that bad, and it might be interesting to hear o’rourke’s actual views about the place.

    and of course the redeeming virtues of shorts and flipflops in january, some of the most desireable gun laws and attitudes in the country, and some pretty picturesque bikinied beach bunnies have their offsetting qualities. let me know if you’re ever down this way, and i’ll hook you up with a whole ‘nother perspective.


    • Phillip says:

      The only thing I’ve found wrong with Florida is all the non-Southerners here that want to change things.

      It never fails to amaze me, people find someplace they like, they move there to get away from where they’re living now, and as soon as they’re settled, they want to start changing things to be more like where they moved away from.

      And that’s why I think Texas and Arizona should have open season on people that move there from California. First time they go “Well, we do it different in Cali…” should be followed up by a bang.

  4. Tony says:

    “The theological opposition to the “round earth” theory was based on Revelations 1:7, which says that when Christ comes, “every eye shall see Him”…something that’s not possible on a spherical planet.”

    This… This can not be true. Nobody, nobody would be stupid enough to… You kid. Right? …Right? Pretty please?

    “what happened to 3 pirates shot by seals”

    Err… Words fail me. I mean, it should be pretty friggin’ obvious what happens to people the Navy SeALs decide to shoot.

    Mommy,please… The stupid, it scares me…

  5. MarkHB says:


    The three bad men learned their lessons, and spent the rest of their days playing with the Sea Kittens.

    Under the sea.


    Occasionally being snacked on by the Sea Kittens.

  6. guy says:

    “…when Christ comes, “every eye shall see Him”…something that’s not possible on a spherical planet.”

    Heh, I had never heard that rationale for a flat earth before. I guess it would be impossible, unless Christ was, jeez I dunno, an omnipotent, omnipresent god or something.

  7. MarkHB says:


    Yet to see any evidence of one of those.

    • guy says:


      That makes two of us.

      But if you do accept the premise of an all-powerful god you would think God wouldn’t have a problem bending the laws of physics he/she/it/they created in the first place.

      As i said I hadn’t heard of that being used as a reason for a flat earth before.

      • Marko says:

        I actually heard of some girl claiming that the Bible wasn’t contradictory in that respect, because the Earth was flat in Biblical times, and acquired its spherical shape later.

        (For the record, all my religious friends and family have no problems reconciling their faith with the idea of a heliocentric solar system in which the Earth is a sphere.)

      • Phillip says:

        Huh… the religion I was in growing up had a really simple answer for it… He’d come in slow, so the earth could revolve at least once, therefore giving everybody the chance to see.

        Come to think about it, that does seem to fit the sense of theater that I pick up from the Old Testament. “Okay, see, we’re coming in the skies, but we’re going to come in slow, like over three or four days, so everybody has the chance to go ‘Oh Shit’ before we get there.”

  8. Tam says:

    nb: To be absolutely fair, the “All the dumb religious people thought the world was flat until Columbus proved them wrong,” meme is about as grounded in historical fact as the Disney cartoon Pocahontas.

    To learn more, look up “Cosmas Indicopleustes”.

    • MarkHB says:

      It’s the people who still insist it’s flat that worry me, Tam. When someone insists there’s no such animal when it’s snuffling and farting in front of ’em, I despair as to how to loosen their mental gaskets.

      • rickn8or says:

        Mark– I guess you’ve been to then.
        I think the guy spends more time trying to convince himself than he does anyone elese.

      • MarkHB says:

        Oh boy, rickn8or. Plognark said it best:

      • Tam says:

        If stupid people give you hives, you’ll spend the rest of your life itching. There are people who believe in all manner of crazy things, from weird religions to bigfoot to little green men at Roswell to History Channel “documentaries” to the beneficence of government.

        They all vote their idiocies, too. I don’t see where one’s necessarily worse than another.

      • Ken says:

        Everybody knows the Earth was made round in the Second Age, when the Valar laid aside their stewardship and called upon the One after Ar-Pharazon the Golden led the host of Numenor to the Undying Lands.

        All seas are now bent, indeed.

      • Tam says:

        I lurve you, Ken!

  9. Mithras61 says:

    flat layout of the planet earth

    Those are called maps. The actual Earth is roughly spherical.

    I think perhaps he was looking for something like a Mollweide projection ( , but he may have meant a Mercator projection.

    Of course, those wouldn’t have been as fun, unless you consider what making the Earth into a real-life Mollweide projection would do to life as we know it (think Revelations 1:7 + “God can do anything” = Mollweide projection from a spherical object – could make for interesting gravitational effects, amongst other things…).

Comments are closed.