monday search term safari LIV.

girls organs swaping videos

That is officially the strangest fetish I’ve encountered this year, and that includes those Romanian midgets dressed up like S&M versions of Tolkien dwarves.  Who gets their rocks off watching organ swaps?  Something about the sight of a heart or a pair of kidneys you find arousing there, sport?

liebherr t 282b truck miles to gallon

Considering that thing has a diesel engine as big as Ted Kennedy’s liquor cabinet, I’d say you should probably rephrase that search term into “gallons per mile”.

how to get over an absinthe hangover

Same way you get over any other hangover: by drinking some more.

what is forfeiture when cops take your money

Asset forfeiture is when the cops charge your property with a crime.  It works like this: you get pulled over, consent to a search, and the police find a chunk of cash on you.  They have no evidence for criminal activity on your part, but they suspect that the money was obtained by selling drugs, so they seize the money without charging you with anything.  Now it’s up to you to prove that the cash wasn’t, in fact, obtained through illegal means.  Your rights haven’t been violated, because their beef is with the money, you see.  Fail to prove the money’s legitimately yours, and it goes to the government, with a portion kicked back to the agency that seized the cash.  Handy, isn’t it?

german knife fighting

That’s a super-secret fighting method that originated in the murky depths of German tribal history.  Its revolutionary and highly efficient techniques involve sticking the pointy end of the knife into the opponent.

shoulder holster under shirt

Depending on your build, it’s entirely possible to conceal a well-adjusted shoulder rig under a button-down shirt.  I’ve done with with a Glock 19 and two spare magazines when I was still a corporate drone.  You can still access the gun quickly by doing a Superman-like shirt-opening rip.  It’s really not a bad way to conceal a gun in office attire, especially considering that you probably spend much of the day seated in a chair.

model m black keycaps

There’s a black Model M out there.  It’s called the M13, it has a Thinkpad-like rubber eraser mouse pointer between the B and N keys, and it routinely fetches ludicrous prices whenever one shows up on fleaBay.  These are keyboards made in the early 1990s, and I have yet to see an M13 go for less than a hundred bucks.  (Here are three current auctions for M13s.)  Personally, I think the 84-key “Space Saver” is the best of the Model Ms, but people have a thing for black computer hardware these days, and the beige color of the other Model Ms is so mid-1990s.  (I personally prefer light-colored keys, because they don’t show fingerprints as easily, and they’re easier to see in less-than-perfect light.)

is whaling a good thing

Of course it is.  Fucking whales…think they’re so special, with their singing and their peaceful, majestic ways.  You don’t shoot the lot of them with harpoons every now and then, they’ll get all uppity and start taking over the place, and do you really want to have some snooty humpback boss you around at the office?  (Besides, where else are we supposed to get our lamp oil?)

anyone sell silver bullets for werewolf

Is that a problem where you live?  Because if it is, I’d suggest moving to a less lycanthrope-heavy area.  What’s tipping you off to the werwolf infestation, anyway?  Is your livestock getting butchered under the full moon on a regular basis?  Is the incessant nighttime howling keeping you awake at night? 

(Silver bullets can be bought here and there, but they’re notoriously difficult to cast, because silver has a higher melting point and different cooling properties than lead, and it’s tricky to properly size a cast silver bullet.)

what the fuck is wrong with you bastard

I’d have to check my Handbook of Boston Phrases, but I’m pretty sure that’s how you say “Good morning” in Southie.

summer glau gets fucked

Certainly not by you, ever.

movie prop nukes

You know, in this day and age, trying to get your hands on a prop nuke is probably not a good….ah, fuck it.  You know what?  That’s an awesome idea.  Get a clearly marked prop nuke—the more convincing, the better.  Then tuck it under your arm, and head downtown to show it off.  You could even stop by a federal building in your city and go see the guys at the local DHS office.  You know, just to get their opinion on the realism of the prop.  (Tip: federal buildings have a secret pass phrase that will let you circumvent the annoying metal detector check at the front door.  Just tell them “Allahu akbar”, and assertively march past the detectors.)

fork tailed doctor killer

That’s the nickname for the Beechcraft Bonanza, a high-performance single-engine airplane.  If a Cessna 172 is the Volkswagen Beetle of the civil aviation world, the Bonanza is the BMW 2002tii or 1978 Porsche 911 Turbo.  It used to be popular with doctors and other moneyed private pilots, and its tendency to overtax the flying skills of relative newbies with more cash than experience led to its derogatory moniker.  It’s a fine little plane, though, and almost entirely undeserving of its reputation.

can beretta 92f shoot .380?

The .380 is 9x17mm.  The Beretta 92F is chambered for 9mm Luger, which is 9x19mm.  You could conceivably chamber a .380 in that pistol, but it would only be held in place by the extractor.  The bullet will come out of the barrel when you pull the trigger, but you’ll likely damage the gun, and accuracy will be horrid.  Only use ammunition that’s made for your gun.

That’s it for today’s edition of the MSTS.  Tune in again next week, when we once again mine the blog stats page for easy blogging material!  Now back to work, people—those baby boomers are retiring, and their Medicare benefits aren’t going to pay themselves out.


31 thoughts on “monday search term safari LIV.

  1. Matt says:

    not by you, ever…


  2. Bunnyman says:

    Now *swaging* silver bullets might work…

  3. Weer'd Beard says:

    I’d love to hear more about your concealment in shoulder carry.

    I often carry my 1911 Commander in a shoulder rig, and even in warm weather I can hide it quite well under an untucked cotton button-down so long as it’s a little large for me, and has a square waist.

    Still the Commander is about the same size as the G19, but a bit slimmer, and I’d think if I tucked a shirt in it would pull the fabric tight over the gun and mag carrier causing a print.

    • Marko says:

      I used a shirt with a fairly loose fit, and then bunched it up at the waist just a little. As long as you have a good shoulder rig with well-adjusted straps, it won’t print easily.

  4. Windy Wilson says:

    I had heard once that the 1978 Porsche 911 Turbo got a reputation for being crashed backwards before the first payment came due. Going into a curve with that rear-engined, rear-drive car was more different from front-engine, rear-drive cars with less horsepower than Mr. More-Money-than-Brains realized.

    • Tam says:

      The problems in turbocharged 911’s prior to the 993 (1995) were two-fold:

      1) Acceleration through a low-speed corner could bring the engine on boost, and the power curve when that big hairdryer spun up was none too subtle. Lose the rear end under power with that ass-heavy weight bias in a tight corner, and you were headed for the ditch unless you were both good and lucky.

      2) Overcook a corner entrance and lift too abruptly in mid-corner and you unload the rear wheels, causing them to lose traction and the rear bumper to head for the outside ditch.

      Of course, it didn’t help that the panic reaction to either of those situations by a driver unaccustomed to the car would merely provoke the opposite disaster.

      If you would like to replicate this experience on the cheap, find an overpowered light-duty truck, perhaps an S-10 into which someone has stuffed a ‘Vette motor, and attack some twisties at 9/10ths. It’ll be like driving an early 911 Turbo through, except in reverse.

  5. J.R. Shirley says:

    “I’m pretty sure that’s how you say “Good morning” in Southie”

    What is Southie? As in Deep South? Not on your life, sir…


  6. ChrisB says:


    You’re onto something with the ancient German Knife fighting idea, I think we can make some good money by producing a “Fighting Secrets of the Waffen SS” DVD set. We could have an intro about how the ultra-lethal fighting techniques of the ancient Germans, who scarred the crap out of the Romans, were passed down from Father to son, as Germany defended itself throughout the ages from invaders (England, the Roman Empire, Poland, France, ect.)

    The fighting tactics were so powerful that Hitler banned the practice of the Germanic martial traditions, but ordered his top soldiers trained in it, and they were feared throughout Europe because of it. Through the experience of WWII these techniques were even further refined, and comprise both the least known and deadliest martial art ever known.

    We could film the DVD wearing ski masks, because the German and American govts are scarred to death of this information falling into the hands of regular people, and then we could sell it through Paladin Press with a disclaimer that we endorse no political ideology but are only making this DVD to preserve a historical cultural tradition.

    I’m thinking we’ll make an easy 50k each.

    • Tam says:

      Holy shyte, that’s genius!

      If you’re looking for investors, I’m in.

      • Marko says:

        We could get tables at gun shows, and everything.

      • Tam says:

        Oh, dude, that’d sell better than tapes of Wehrmacht marching ditties, $9.99 Chinese stun guns, and clamp-on lasers for Hi-Points COMBINED!

      • Marko says:

        We can even do classes, and give out ranks and little diplomas in Nazi-Fu. We’ll need to rent some serious U-Store space to keep all the cash forked over by wannabe Aryan commandos to attain Obersturmbannfuehrer proficiency. (That rank comes with a belt in SS camo pattern, and a neat diploma with an Iron Cross on it.)

        I’m telling you, those goobers will be lining up around the block to learn such highly classified moves as the Judenschlitzer and the Fuehrer Drill.

      • T.Stahl says:

        Americans! 😉

      • Kristopher says:

        Make sure the unarmed bits are a completely non-contact art, except for the knife bits, where practice with live steel is encouraged.

        That way they will either end up in prison, or learning an un-armed martial art that will get them killed in a real fight.

        See if you can sneak in some 4/4 beat dance moves as well … disco-Nazis!

    • theflatwhite says:


    • theflatwhite says:

      Try getting Richard Machowicz (Future Weapons) as the narrator.

  7. Sigboy40 says:

    Thank you for the advice on the ‘prop’er use of fake nukes. What do I tell DHS when they ask where I received my intelligence?

  8. Laughingdog says:

    I love using the advanced search on Google to see which posts those searches actually brought up.

    It’s definitely odd that the first search term brought them to this:

    Stranger still is that your post was only five pages into the search results.

  9. BobG says:

    “german knife fighting”

    I wonder if the person was trying to find information regarding the mensuren of Germany.

  10. Shootin' Buddy says:

    Fork-tailed doctor killer: killing abortionists by making strafing runs in a P-38 (or maybe a Cessna 336 if in Kansas)?

    Or maybe killing abortionists with a fork, or while wearing a Devil outfit?

    Why would some Google that phrase anywho???

  11. Sigivald says:

    Silver bullets with a lead coating might work, except for being illegal in many contexts (as notionally “armor piercing”).

    Silver bullets in sabots would totally work, though.

  12. staghounds says:

    My recycling center has a pile of old computers and keyboards, now I know what to notice…

  13. ChrisB says:


    We could have the chapter headings and technique names listed in Germanic style font, the one last piece of the puzzle would be the music we’d have in the DVD, Rammstein would be perfect but I rather doubt they’d give their permission to this sort of thing.

    We would just need to make sure we’re actually demonstrating really bad martial arts in the video, we can think of it was a public service by helping clean out the gene pool. According their their own philosophy they should be in agreement, right?

    Why is it that the people who proclaim the superiority of their race are always the worst representatives of it? They really give a bad name to selective breeding.

    • “Why is it that the people who proclaim the superiority of their race are always the worst representatives of it?”

      a question for the ages right there.


  14. MarkHB says:

    Remember, for a prop Nuke to be convincing, it needs certain elements:

    A shiny, chromed cylinder with exciting section rings.

    A large Radiation warning symbol on the side, roundal style for preference

    A large numeric keypad with wide, underlit easy-to-press buttons in a Sci-Fi font.

    And most important of all, a large, red LED 7-segment countdown display. That beeps. Loudly.

    • Kristopher says:

      Don’t forget the clouds of CO2 vapor it emits during the last 10 seconds of the countdown.

  15. MarkHB says:

    And the slowly-descending Cylinder of Fell Intent sinking into the casing. Oooh, scary!

    And, of course, the fact that a nuclear weapon is an UTTER DEATH DEVICE, not a Powerful Bomb with Some Issues. One nuke = DETH OF ALLS!

  16. For the first one, I’m actually wondering if they were looking for Repo! The Genetic Opera.

    Check out the wikipedia page if you’re curious, as the actual thing is as over the top for horror as rocky horror was for drag. One of these days I’ll have enough booze and sarcastic friends together to get around to watching it.

  17. Bill Johnson says:

    ‘The conditioned responses in social settings, like someone asking “How are you?” at the grocery store register. It took me a while to get used to the fact that all you’re expected to say in response is something along the lines of “Good, and you?”, and that people don’t actually want to hear the details of your current emotional and fiscal state. (Americans consider Europeans rude because they don’t use those social utterances, but it’s simply a matter of cultural difference, not rudeness.)’

    Although I can no longer spell it correctly, I’m sure in Germany you heard (phonetically) ‘vie gates’, and I’m sure you responded ‘es gates mir gut’. nein?

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