monday search term safari LVI.

“model m” blank keycaps

You’d have to either strip the keycaps from your Model M and sand off the lettering from each key top, spray-paint them, or buy a Das Keyboard, which is a Model M clone in black that’s available with blank keys.

(If someone in my old corporate IT team had dared to put a Das Keyboard on his desk to show off what a L337 h4xX0R they are, we would have fucked with that person on general principle.  For starters, they’d find their label-less keyboard remapped to a left-handed Icelandic Dvorak layout.)

toy guns being destroyed

The way my kids treat their toys, I have no idea why anyone would spend the time and expense destroying something that will break in a few weeks of regular use anyway.

cocked and locked tomcat

The safety on the Tomcat only blocks the trigger, not the hammer or sear.  I wouldn’t carry one with a round in the pipe and the hammer back, safety or no.  I always carried mine with the safety off, and the hammer down.

quiche-eaters

I’m going to guess that’s a term of endearment for Francophones.  Quiche is good breakfast/brunch food, especially the killer quiches Robin makes on occasion.

(She had a boyfriend once who asked her if “men were supposed to like quiche”.  You’re a sad, blubbering sack of insecurity when you make your dietary choices by their perceived gender-specific reputation.  “Oh, no!  This tastes good, but I can’t be seen eating it!  Quiche is for girls!”)

no such thing as collective right

That’s correct—there’s no such thing as a “collective right”.  The term is a fiction employed by people who want to restrict a certain right by making it dependent on group membership.  Rights are always individual, and there’s no right you gain by joining a group that you didn’t have already before you joined.

theocracy online

That’s TOL for short, and it’s the biggest ISP in Iran and Saudi-Arabia.  There’s no sex, nudity, political discussion, or access to movies or music on TOL.  It’s basically a really dumbed-down version of the Internet with all the fun removed, and tedious content controls in place.  In other words, it’s just like America Online in the late 1990s.

why can’t i buy a humvee

Because you’re sixteen, you’re living in your parents’ basement, and you’re broke as shit.  Also, the Humvee would take up both parking spots in front of the garage, and if you think your Dad will park on the street after springing for the insurance bill on that godawful monster car of yours, you have another thing coming, young man.  Get used to the idea of driving that ‘88 Chevette after your sister gets that cute RAV4 as a graduation gift.

beretta 93fs

There’s no such critter.  You’re looking either for the Beretta 92FS, which is the civilian version of the military’s M9, or the Beretta 93R, which is a select-fire machine pistol.  The number of legit, transferable 93Rs in the United States is in the single digits, which makes the accessory market for them a bit limited, to say the least.

(Random trivia: Robocop’s sidearm in the movie was a Beretta 93R with a lot of cosmetic add-ons.)

can fisher cats be kept as demestocated

They’re wild animals.  Not only are they wild, but the other animals in the forest consider them batshit insane.  Only a nutcase would try to tame what’s essentially a scaled-down Wolverine.  (On second thought, contact me if you manage to trap one, and you want to give the taming thing a shot.  I’ll show up in chain mail, tape the whole thing, and make a zillion bucks off the video, “When Mustelids Attack”.)

3 chiwawas dogs corner bobcat in garage

Let’s run that equation briefly:

180px-Bobcat2

This is a bobcat.  It stands up to 24 inches tall at the shoulder, and can weigh more than thirty pounds.  It can kill game up to the size of a deer.  Its main fighting technique is to shred its prey with its razor-sharp claws while biting it in the neck to sever its spine.

chihuahua

This is a Chihuahua.  It’s about the size of an anorexic rat.  It weighs less than a baseball, and can be thrown or kicked into the next area code by anyone stronger than a toddler.  It’s high-strung, and generally not known to reliably bring down anything bigger than a cockroach.  Its main fighting technique is to annoy its prey to death with its piercing yip.

I don’t know about you, but my money is on the super-sized fucking wildcat that can kill a deer.

That’s it for this Monday morning, folks.  You may now safely resume your regular Monday activities!

26 thoughts on “monday search term safari LVI.

  1. Ken says:

    “Get used to the idea of driving that ‘88 Chevette after your sister gets that cute RAV4 as a graduation gift.”

    Dude. Harsh.

  2. Anna says:

    Re: Deer-killing cat vs. chihuahua

    I guess you’ve never seen this: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/06/060613-cat-bear.html

    Bravado counts for a lot.

  3. Heath J says:

    Funny crap man, that’s a very accurate description of those pesky little rodent canine hybrids…

  4. Tam says:

    Bravado counts for a lot.

    That was fifteen pounds of cat.

    Fifteen pounds of dog is a smallish beagle. Fifteen pounds of cat is the one-eyed terror of the alley.

    Thirty pounds of dog is a cocker spaniel. Thirty pounds of cat is a lynx.

    Eighty pounds of dog is a black lab. Eighty pounds of cat drags villagers off in the night.

  5. Nick says:

    It was a mountain lion, not a bobcat.

    Story here:
    http://www.ksby.com/Global/story.asp?S=10552533

  6. MarkHB says:

    *pulls himself off the floor from the fœtal knot of helpless mirth that Marko and Tam put him in*

    You are the Statler and Waldorf of the Intertron and I claim my five bucks.

    Oh, and as I was gonna say before you frakkin’ slew me was that “quiche-eater” is these days a geek-in-academia-only who doesn’t get their hands dirty with actually writing code or doing work.

    I’m going to laugh myself out of my chair again now. I may be some time.

  7. OrangeNeckInNY says:

    “can fisher cats be kept as demestocated

    They’re wild animals. Not only are they wild, but the other animals in the forest consider them batshit insane. Only a nutcase would try to tame what’s essentially a scaled-down Wolverine. (On second thought, contact me if you manage to trap one, and you want to give the taming thing a shot. I’ll show up in chain mail, tape the whole thing, and make a zillion bucks off the video, “When Mustelids Attack”.)”

    Marty Stouffer of the PBS program “Wild America” hand-raised two Fisher Cats, who were abandoned by their mother, and released them back into the wild when they were old enough. I guess if you get to them young enough, you can domesticate them to a certain extent. Still, I wouldn’t want to keep two adult Fisher Cats in my house at any given time.

    • freeca says:

      Living in rural British Columbia in the dark ages when I grew up gave an opportunity to see and interact with some of the rarer wild critters including Fishers. I know from personal experience that while they may be able to be domesticated, they WILL get drunk and pass out.

      A bunch of years ago, on the last day of work before Christmas, after everything was shut down and secure, we were up in the office having a drink before leaving. A Fisher wandered by and ate the cat food by the door. When one of us opened the door, the fisher started to snarl and lunge forward. Not having any more food handy, someone decided to put out a bowl of vodka, and the Fisher immediately lapped it up. After three bowls, it staggered over to the edge of the porch and fell off. Careful research, (looking down from the porch), showed it passed out with it’s feet in the air.

      Being boomers, (basically loggers with wet feet), we decided to relocate it away from the office to save the cat from being eaten along with the cat food in the future.

      We emptied out a small metal tool box, scooped up the fisher, (while wearing welding leathers, gloves and a helmet), and stuck a big cotter pin through the latch. Next, we jumped in a boat and ran it across the bay about a mile. At this point, the fisher was awake again, and beating the crap out of the tool box. We released it by tying a rope to the cotter pin and pulling it out through the crack of the door. The fisher staggered off the boat and made it ashore across the logs.

  8. Kristopher says:

    cocked and locked tomcat

    Most tomcats I’ve seen have no safeties … they go from laptoy to whirling cloud of claws and teeth with out a lot of warning.

    Talk to Labrat about Zydeco.

  9. JRD says:

    I never cared for quiche, but my wife likes it. Since I like to cook, she asked me to make one for her. I improvised with bacon, onions and goat cheese … and I loved it.
    She teased me that “real men don’t eat quiche.”
    I told her that a REAL MAN eats whatever he damn well pleases.
    JRD

  10. “you have another thing coming, young man.”

    heavy-metal lyrics notwithstanding, the correct (and far more logical) expression is “another ‘think’ coming”.

    common mistake even among noted native speakers/writers…to the point that many will argue that “thing” is correct. which is not only nonsensical, but completely destroys the poetry and symmetry.

    jtc

    • freeca says:

      This is the success of the Statist educrats. The main reason for ‘creative spelling’ and other mangling of language currently taught, is to hide ‘truth’. The average child in the Americas has never been confronted by a absolute truth before school. Spelling correctly is the start of the reasoning process that teaches right from wrong and creates a basis for learning how to discriminate and develop value judgments.

      Once you can convince proles that spelling doesn’t matter, you get Clinton and Obama, and the Constitution become a relic in the museum.

      It would be interesting to see how many hours Twitter would last if they installed a filter that deleted any twits with more than one spelling error.

  11. LabRat says:

    Seconding OrangeNeck- Marty Stouffer did indeed hand-raise some fishers and then eventually release them. His whole family was involved with this- kids too.

    Stouffer also hand-raised and released a fucking Alaskan brown bear. Message to the internet: you are definitely NOT Marty Stouffer or likely any Stouffer, and you would be wise not to try and rise to that level.

    “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche”- nothing turns me more ice goddamn frigid than men who constantly seem to be checking their balls to see if they’re still there, literally and metaphorically. Worse yet if they blame women for their constant terror of emasculation- EARTH TO IDIOT, I CAN’T TAKE THEM FROM YOU, ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT.

    I’ve seen men who could sit there and radiate enough masculinity to intimidate Chuck Norris while dressed in a pretty pink tutu. Now that’s a real man.

  12. MarkHB says:

    *clank, clank*

    Yeah, I’m good.

  13. Strings says:

    Heh… “real men” don’t have to talk about what “real men” do or don’t do…

    Want a “real man”? Check out bacanation.com, and take a look at “Caveman”.

    Looks like a typical biker, right?

    We’ve seen him sitting on the floor, playing Barbies with one of our kids.

    Tell me about “real men”…😉

  14. Matt G says:

    Feline-rich safari, this time: Tomcats, Fisher Cats, and Bobcats.

  15. Desertrat says:

    Catch them young enough, you can raise most any wild animal to be pet-like. With maturity, however, it is common for this pet-lover to discover the magnitude of his error.

    “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” I shudder to think of a Chihuahua of, say, 100 pounds in size. “Bam-Bam” ruled the Ghost Town porch of Terlingua. Many and many a large dog learned about the territorial imperative–and from his home, more than one javelina or even a pack of them were educated. Bam-Bam ruled his roost for twenty-one years.

    Art

  16. Dave says:

    Same planet, different worlds: my first thought on “Tomcat” was “Grumman,” not “Beretta,” and a hilarious vision of Goose climbing out on the wing to chamber a round.

  17. Kristopher says:

    Labrat: Actually, you can take them away from these “men” … I suggest using a sharp obsidian flake.

    • Regolith says:

      Or, if they did something in particular to irritate you, a rusty metal spoon that you sharpened on a piece of granite.

  18. theAxe says:

    “cocked and locked tomcat

    The safety on the Tomcat only blocks the trigger, not the hammer or sear. I wouldn’t carry one with a round in the pipe and the hammer back, safety or no. I always carried mine with the safety off, and the hammer down.”

    Too close for missiles, I’m switching to guns.

  19. Steve F. says:

    I’m reminded of a story that apparently took place back in the mid-70’s in Tucson, AZ, at the UofA run observatory on Mount Lemmon.

    Some employees find a bobcat loose in the observatory building, so after a long struggle involving broomsticks and improvised snares, they get the little guy put into a large metal toolbox.

    The plan is that they’ll drive the toolbox out a few miles away, and then they’ll open it and release the cat back into the wild.

    So far, so good.

    They bring the toolbox outside, lay it on the ground outside the building door, then they have to go back inside real quick to make sure all the other entry doors are locked.

    As they go back out to where the toolbox is, they hear screeching tires, and run out to see a pickup truck speeding off…and no toolbox.

    They give chase in their own truck, and are speeding down mount lemmon in hot pursuit, and then they see the truck careen wildly and run off the road, where it rolled over.

    Yup, they opened the toolbox, and then everything became a blur of claws, hissing, shrieking, screaming, world of hellish pain.

    The cat, uninjured, escaped out a broken window, and the thieves were arrested and hauled off to the hospital for treatment.

    Talk about karma…those guys must have had it coming.

  20. dpatten says:

    I don’t eat quiche. Not manly you understand. However, I do enjoy egg casserole…

  21. og says:

    I know this will come as a surprise to most, (it certainly did to me) but the Chihuahua is the original “Dog of war” (no, not in the shakespearian “cry havoc” sense). The aztecs revered the chihuahua (or a small dog very similar to it) and when they went to war, they wore feathers on thier feet in a specific way. Why would they do this? So the chihuahuas would attack and latch onto the achilles tendons of the(featherless) enemies. And they would not let go- even killing one would often leave it’s dead corpse attached to your heel. Apparently, having a mouthful of needle sharp teeth jammed into your heel takes the fight right out of you. From “The Daily Life of the Aztecs” by Jacques Soustelle, gleaned from the pictographic historical record. Apparently they could be trained to take down some pretty large game.

    http://www.amazon.com/Daily-Life-Aztecs-Jacques-Soustelle/dp/0486424855

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