monday search term safari LX.


I tried making burger patties out of haggis once, but they fell apart in the pan.  (Still tasted great, though.)  Haggis is best in its pure form, however—on a plate, with neeps and tatties on the side, and a dram of scotch.

the trash can is a writer’s best friend

No, silly. Dark liquor is a writer’s best friend.  The trash can is kind of useful, however—whether it’s the virtual one on your computer desktop, or the actual one under your desk—because it holds all the stuff that you shouldn’t be afraid to throw out if it’s not essential to the story.  We call that “murdering your darlings”.

mandatory sterilization of retards

There is no reason or justification for anyone claiming dominion over another person’s reproductive plumbing. 

caught in jackoff booth

Caught doing what, exactly?  Certainly not “caught” jacking off?  Because, you know, anyone approaching a jackoff booth and yanking aside the curtain should (and would) probably not be too awfully surprised to find someone jacking off, considering that it’s the title and function of the facility in question.

writer workshops selective

Well, they sort of have to be selective, don’t they?  They have to make sure the people taking part have actually mastered the activity around which the workshop is centered to a sufficient degree.  I mean, how would you like to shell out a few thousand dollars in tuition and hotel costs, and then have the workshop brought to a crawl by someone who can’t quite grasp the complicated and precarious relationship between subject, verb, and object?

does becoming a parent mean giving up?

You’re giving up the idea of a neat house, the ability to sleep in, and a hundred other minor little things that will turn out not having been important, after all.  Considering everything you get in exchange, it’s a no-brainer of a trade, really.

werewolf england farmhouse movie

I’m pretty sure the movie you’re looking for is Dog Soldiers, a fine little indie horror movie.  Minor point, though—it’s supposed to be taking place in Scotland, not England.  Calling Scots “English” (or Scotland “England”) can lead to sudden and unexpected dental reconfiguration surgery in Scotland.

writing to businesses in longhand

Longhand is suitable for prose and journals, desirable for private correspondence to friends and family, and utterly inappropriate for business letters.  Business correspondence needs to be typed, and that has been sort of the rule since the days of the Ford Model T.

carrying hk91 on moped

In most legislations, carrying a nine-pound battle rifle across your back while riding a moped will draw the attention of the local constabulary for some reason I can’t comprehend.  (It’s not like people do drive-by shootings with that conveyance/gun combination, and a moped makes a crummy getaway vehicle for holding up the Stop-N-Rob.)  If I saw a guy carrying an HK91 on a moped, my first thought would be, “Nice rifle—I bet he’s on the way to the range to try it out.”  (My second thought would be, “Owns a $3000 rifle and can’t afford something better to drive than a moped?”)

how long is 250 words roughly

That’s roughly the word count of a typewritten, double-spaced page in a monospaced font like Courier.  It’s also the amount of words in the “Other ingredients” section of the nutritional label for Hot Pockets.  (That’s everything that comes after the words “CAUTION: NOT A FOOD”.)

britney spears nudie pics

You know, I have no idea what guys see in that wrecked little pop tart.  Even when she wasn’t all mental, she wasn’t all that and a bag of chips, whether you’re talking personality or looks.  I mean, she’s not completely heinous or anything, but you have to elbow dozens of prettier girls out of the way when you cross the street near campus in any college town.  The only reason she’s a record milionaire is the unholy alliance of impressionable tweens, and overweight thirtysomething dudes indulging their pedophile tendencies in a socially somewhat tolerated manner.


That’s this Monday’s edition.  I’m happy to see the return of the Moped Queries!  Now you folks go back to work, while I finish pouring myself this here drink…


17 thoughts on “monday search term safari LX.

  1. Joe Allen says:

    I really enjoy the Monday Search Term Safari. Is it really the 60th edition already!?

    And, while I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment of Ms. Spears, it’s amazing what some real talent can do with her source material:

    I could do without all the reaction shots of the smug hipsters in the audience, but man… those cats can blow!

  2. Pappy says:

    Quote:”My second thought would be, “Owns a $3000 rifle and can’t afford something better to drive than a moped?”

    If he believes he NEEDS a HK91, at least he has his priorities straight.

  3. MarkHB says:

    The signage for a drive-through “Haggisburger” franchise would absolutely rock. Though my frontal lobes have left skid-marks in my brainpan over the concept of Scotshakes (Islay, Single Cask and Auld Skoolfecker).

  4. perlhaqr says:

    Owning the HK91 is why he can’t afford anything better than a moped.

    Or, maybe he’s just got a fetish for thin stamped steel and too much plastic. 😉

  5. Jack Gordon says:

    “werewolf england farmhouse movie” might also be American Werewolf in London, give the “beware the moors” part of the flick.

  6. Kaerius(SWE) says:

    Isn’t the HK91 + moped equation easily solved by some sort of gun case with carry straps? (Or failing that, an instrument case with carry straps, cops aren’t going to care much about the guy on the moped with the guitarr case, or whathaveyou).

    As a 14 year old, I used to take my pelletgun to the range, by bicycle, in an old ski bag, any time of year.. nobody gave a shit.

  7. MarkHB says:

    When I was 14 nobody thought it was wierd to go wandering down the hallways with a Lee Enfield across my back. When I was 15, it would have gotten SO 19 down on your back.

    So… uh… wellllll. Yeah. These days it’s not just wierd, it’ll probably get you shot through the face a few dozen times. But wandering naked down the street is just a pecadillo.

    Go figure.

  8. Lawyer says:

    Pappy–my thoughts exactly! Hey, you can always save for the used Yugo.

  9. MarkHB says:

    It’s very wierd being in the “$3k a month is serious money” bracket again.


  10. Kristopher says:

    Wanting to sterilize retards sounds a bit retarded to me.

    Not that I advocate sterilizing people who say things that sound retarded … I might get caught in that.

  11. emdfl says:

    Don’t forget momma and Disney in the Britteny unholy alliance catagory.

  12. LittleRed1 says:

    I will have to respectfully disagree with you about sterilizing people who are so profoundly retarded that they cannot care for themselves very well, cannot care for children, and who don’t know how not to have children. In the case I’m thinking of (North Carolina in the late 196os), both husband and wife were retarded. After they had four children the couple’s legal guardians went to the courts and had the couple sterilized. It was really the best thing for all parties involved.
    Yes, the case is unusual, but there were good reasons.

  13. Isaiah Kellogg says:

    • Kristopher says:

      I can hear Bela Legosi in the back ground shouting “Pull the string! Pull the string!”

  14. Shane says:

    Government mandated sterilization “for their own good” is a slippery slope they slid down years ago. Some of my relatives were caught up in the long term genocide program against Native Americans in the 1930s. They were isolated from their families and culture by being sent to orphanages and involuntarily sterilized to prevent any bothersome future generations. I have no doubt whatsoever the government would ski down that slope again. They’ve already shown they can and will.

  15. Wayne says:

    Hey, some of us like two wheelers better than four… and mopeds, due to the upright position, are at least better for carrying stuff than, for instance, a GSX-R 750. 😀

Comments are closed.