I tried making burger patties out of haggis once, but they fell apart in the pan. (Still tasted great, though.) Haggis is best in its pure form, however—on a plate, with neeps and tatties on the side, and a dram of scotch.
the trash can is a writer’s best friend
No, silly. Dark liquor is a writer’s best friend. The trash can is kind of useful, however—whether it’s the virtual one on your computer desktop, or the actual one under your desk—because it holds all the stuff that you shouldn’t be afraid to throw out if it’s not essential to the story. We call that “murdering your darlings”.
mandatory sterilization of retards
There is no reason or justification for anyone claiming dominion over another person’s reproductive plumbing.
caught in jackoff booth
Caught doing what, exactly? Certainly not “caught” jacking off? Because, you know, anyone approaching a jackoff booth and yanking aside the curtain should (and would) probably not be too awfully surprised to find someone jacking off, considering that it’s the title and function of the facility in question.
writer workshops selective
Well, they sort of have to be selective, don’t they? They have to make sure the people taking part have actually mastered the activity around which the workshop is centered to a sufficient degree. I mean, how would you like to shell out a few thousand dollars in tuition and hotel costs, and then have the workshop brought to a crawl by someone who can’t quite grasp the complicated and precarious relationship between subject, verb, and object?
does becoming a parent mean giving up?
You’re giving up the idea of a neat house, the ability to sleep in, and a hundred other minor little things that will turn out not having been important, after all. Considering everything you get in exchange, it’s a no-brainer of a trade, really.
werewolf england farmhouse movie
I’m pretty sure the movie you’re looking for is Dog Soldiers, a fine little indie horror movie. Minor point, though—it’s supposed to be taking place in Scotland, not England. Calling Scots “English” (or Scotland “England”) can lead to sudden and unexpected dental reconfiguration surgery in Scotland.
writing to businesses in longhand
Longhand is suitable for prose and journals, desirable for private correspondence to friends and family, and utterly inappropriate for business letters. Business correspondence needs to be typed, and that has been sort of the rule since the days of the Ford Model T.
carrying hk91 on moped
In most legislations, carrying a nine-pound battle rifle across your back while riding a moped will draw the attention of the local constabulary for some reason I can’t comprehend. (It’s not like people do drive-by shootings with that conveyance/gun combination, and a moped makes a crummy getaway vehicle for holding up the Stop-N-Rob.) If I saw a guy carrying an HK91 on a moped, my first thought would be, “Nice rifle—I bet he’s on the way to the range to try it out.” (My second thought would be, “Owns a $3000 rifle and can’t afford something better to drive than a moped?”)
how long is 250 words roughly
That’s roughly the word count of a typewritten, double-spaced page in a monospaced font like Courier. It’s also the amount of words in the “Other ingredients” section of the nutritional label for Hot Pockets. (That’s everything that comes after the words “CAUTION: NOT A FOOD”.)
britney spears nudie pics
You know, I have no idea what guys see in that wrecked little pop tart. Even when she wasn’t all mental, she wasn’t all that and a bag of chips, whether you’re talking personality or looks. I mean, she’s not completely heinous or anything, but you have to elbow dozens of prettier girls out of the way when you cross the street near campus in any college town. The only reason she’s a record milionaire is the unholy alliance of impressionable tweens, and overweight thirtysomething dudes indulging their pedophile tendencies in a socially somewhat tolerated manner.
That’s this Monday’s edition. I’m happy to see the return of the Moped Queries! Now you folks go back to work, while I finish pouring myself this here drink…