and this is why i don’t work in advertising.

In the category “Cereal Ads I’d Love To See”, I present to you the script for the Trix cereal commercial I would have turned in for review by the client.

TRIX CEREAL COMMERCIAL

[FADE IN]

INT. CARTOON KITCHEN – MORNING

A typical stock commercial cartoon kitchen: oversized furniture, pastel colors.  In the middle of the kitchen, a TABLE decked with a COMPLETE BREAKFAST: three loaves’ worth of sliced and buttered bread, five gallon-sized glasses of orange juice, a foot-high stack of waffles.  Around the table are the FOUR ASSHOLE TRIX KIDS, each with a large bowl of Trix cereal in front of them.

The Asshole Trix Kids are gorging on their cereal.  Suddenly, the kitchen door  flies open with a CRASH.  In the door, we see the SILLY RABBIT.  Something is off about him, but we can’t quite figure out what it is.  His expression is not the usual, cheerfully vapid Cereal Junkie face he usually wears.  Instead, his expression is calm, and there’s a slightly amused smile on his lips.  His eyes are bloodshot.  Overall, Silly Rabbit bears an unsettling resemblance to Christopher Walken after a week-long bender.

 

ASSHOLE KID #1

Hey look, it’s the Silly Rabbit!

 

Asshole Kid #1 shovels a huge spoonful of Trix into his mouth and begins CHEWING the cereal in a deliberately provocative manner.  Asshole Kids #2 and #3 follow suit, giggling madly.  Only Asshole Kid #4 senses that something is off, and eyes the Silly Rabbit warily.

Silly Rabbit’s smile widens ever so slightly as he walks into the kitchen with slow, deliberate steps, savoring the occasion.  We now see that Silly Rabbit is holding something behind his back.  As he steps up to the kitchen table, we see that it’s a rusty crowbar. 

 

ASSHOLE KID #4

Uh, guys?  I don’t think the Silly Rabbit is feeling…

 

Silly Rabbit holds up his hand, and glares at Asshole Kid #4, who shuts up instantly.  The other Asshole Kids have not yet caught on to Silly Rabbit’s new and dangerous disposition.

Silly Rabbit reaches for the nearest bowl of Trix cereal, without taking his eyes off Asshole Kid #4.

 

ASSHOLE KID #1

(yanking the bowl out of Silly Rabbit’s reach)

Silly rabbit!  Trix are for…

 

WHAM! Silly Rabbit hauls off and backhands Asshole Kid #1 across the face with the crowbar.  We hear the CRACK of a breaking nose.  Asshole Kid #1 lets go of the cereal bowl and clutches his face with both hands, blood pouring from between his fingers.

 

ASSHOLE KID #1

(stifled)

AAARRGGHH!  By dose!  Botherfucking rabbit sob-of-a-bitch broke by dose!

 

Silly Rabbit swings the crowbar back, which CRACKS against the side of Asshole Kid #1’s head.  Asshole Kid #1 goes down without another sound, slumping to the brightly checkered kitchen floor.

Silly Rabbit’s bloodshot gaze shifts to the other Asshole Kids, who are all frozen in sudden terror.  He hooks a foot behind the leg of Asshole Kid #1’s chair, pulls it away from the table, and sits down, all without taking his eyes off the other kids.  He drops the crowbar on the table in front of him, and exchanges it for the cereal bowl.  We see little bits of hair and a few specks of blood on Silly Rabbit’s discarded crowbar. 

Silly Rabbit starts eating the cereal, grinding it between his teeth in a very slow and deliberate manner—the satisfying pay-off after a long, long wait. 

Asshole Kids # 2 through 4 are frozen with fear as they watch Silly Rabbit munch on the cereal.  Behind him, we hear GURGLING NOISES coming from the kitchen floor.

 

SILLY RABBIT

(casually)

Today, Trix are for rabbits, too.  Anybody got a problem with that?

 

The Asshole Kids shake their heads vigorously.  Silly Rabbit is displeased with the way Asshole Kid #4 stares at him, and raises his hand to threaten a slap.  Asshole Kid #4 flinches and averts his gaze.

 

SILLY RABBIT

Yeah.  You better look away and zip your lip, before I beat you senseless and stick your fucking iPod so far up your ass you’ll be shitting bloody Miley Cyrus tunes for a month.  Little bitch.

 

Asshole Kid #4 WHIMPERS in terror as Silly Rabbit continues his breakfast, shoveling the cereal into his mouth while glaring at the Asshole Kids. 

The TRIX JINGLE starts playing, the cheerful music in stark contrast to the Tarantino-esque scene in front of us.

[FADE OUT]

15 thoughts on “and this is why i don’t work in advertising.

  1. theflatwhite says:

    Have you seen
    this? (youtube link)

  2. Lissa says:

    Marko, I think that commercial would go down just fine on Cartoon Network . . .

  3. Fjolnirsson says:

    Marko, today you win the internets. That made for a very fine start to my day. Thank you.

  4. wombatoverlord says:

    Marko, that is exactly what I needed to start my day. That being said, I am damn glad that I had finished my coffee before reading it – getting espresso out of a Macbook Pro is a pain in the ass.

  5. Rick in NY says:

    Ahhh, Marko, you have such a wonderful way with words. Thank you for writing down a scenario that is far to similar to some of my random thoughts, but not nearly as well documented. Great post!

  6. Jenny says:

    Oh that was horrible…..but funny!

    Nice Lawdog shoutout to.🙂

    So… any chance for a sequel? Say Rabbit and Wile E hook up for some kinda dark and gritty revenge bender, settling old scores?

  7. T.Stahl says:

    Have Ennio Morricone compose the background music, something with a harmonica.
    Oh, and Silly Rabbit has to resemble young Charles Bronson.

  8. John Stephens says:

    That would make a helluva late night comedy show skit, like something SNL would do back when they were still funny.

  9. Assrot says:

    Holy shit Marko. Send your kids down here. I love kids and I’d raise them right too. I had no idea you were such a sadist.

    On the other hand, this was hilarious. No Trix for your kids right?
    🙂

    Joe

  10. MarkHB says:

    Consider writing for Seth McFarlane’s Cartoon Comedy Cavalcade. I say this seriously. Get in touch with them. They will pay chinese people very small amounts of money to animate it.

  11. bogie says:

    No crowbar.

    8 3/8″ Model 29.

  12. Jen says:

    If you’ve never seen Robot Chicken, you should. Maybe start with their Star Wars special.

    That said, it read to me like a Stephen King short. (I -like- Stephen King.)

  13. Tony says:

    If real ads were like that, I would watch television.

  14. Oh, I can’t wait for your book!

    tweaker

Comments are closed.