do they even have a PR person left in philly?

So the Eagles signed that dog-killing scum Michael Vick.

I’m sure there was some sort of communications issue.  Maybe his agent was driving through a tunnel at the time.

“Philadelphia Eagles?  Aw, fuck.  I thought you said ‘Kill a pen full of beagles.’”

Here’s a new rule I proposed on Twitter a while back: any team that plays the Eagles gets a pack of hungry pitbulls on their side.


37 thoughts on “do they even have a PR person left in philly?

  1. perlhaqr says:

    Dogs aren’t people. Dogfighting doesn’t hurt any sentient entities. Federal laws against dog-fighting have every bit as much justification as laws against drugs or guns.

    • Marko says:

      Even if dog-fighting were legal in all fifty states, and a sacrament in all the world’s major religions, Michael Vick would still be an asshole.

    • Kristopher says:

      I agree. He has a right to organize dogfights using his own property.

      And I have a right call him an asshole, and try to get others to shun him and anyone who does business with him.

      I hunt deer for meat … and maybe for a bit of sport. But I don’t strap blades to deer and make them attack each other. That’s just sick.

      Now if he was organizing hippie fights, I might have cut him some slack.

  2. BryanP says:

    Dogs aren’t people

    Nope. They’re better than most people I’ve met. Given a choice between saving the life of a mangy mutt and saving the life of the kind of person who thinks torturing animals is fun … the dog wins every time.

  3. Rick O'Shea says:

    If you don’t believe that animals are not sentient just because they’re not sapient, then I doubt I can convince you otherwise with words.

    I believe – I know – that non-human critters, especially the higher mammals, are not only sentient, feeling creatures, but are morally innocent in the same sense that babies are.

    Wanton torture of either is and should be a crime and a sin.

    If you don’t think a dog is your thinking, feeling equal, you’re right – just not in the way that you think…

  4. He may be an asshole, but he did his sentence. We want him to work for a living, pay taxes and say out of trouble, right?

    He’s qualified for pro-football, and frankly that’s about the only job he could work at that will pay off his legal bills.

    He’s lost millions in endorsement pay as a direct result of his actions. He’ll work under a dark cloud for the rest of his life. And yet there seems to be some people out there that think he needs to live under a bridge, homeless, for the rest of his life or something.

    He didn’t Nifong anyone, ram-rodding a case through the court where he knew the defendants were innocent. He didn’t stand around polling places and intimidate voters of a different skin color. He wasn’t instrumental in changing the paper-buying requirements of Fannie Mae to allow the repurchase of risky sub-prime and option-ARM paper by a quai-goverment agency which ended up being bailed out by the taxpayers. No, all of those people seem to have gotten off without any jail time at all, let alone a conviction like Vick has that will strip rights from him forever. Give him a break already.

  5. Caleb says:

    Saying that “dogs aren’t people” is a pretty shitty thing to say, but then countering it with the “dogs have feelings” argument is also not so smart.

    A better argument might be “yo, cruelty is cruelty, and the kind of person that would be cruel to a lower form of life for no reason is clearly a sack full of cocks.”

    • Ken says:

      To be sure, I would be inclined to shun a man who did that to a dog or any other animal (I believe even varmints ought to be dispatched quickly and humanely).

      However, making it a matter of positive law opens the door to all manner of mischief, or is a symptom that said mischief is well under way.

    • perlhaqr says:


      I didn’t say I thought dogfighting was good. I said it shouldn’t be illegal. Much like doing heroin.

      And dogs aren’t human. They are property. If PETA got their way and changed that, I think you’d hate the results of that a lot more than you do my take on the subject.

      • Caleb says:

        You actually think that it shouldn’t be illegal to torture living animals?

        /me headdesks

      • perlhaqr says:

        Yes, I really think that.

        As I say, I don’t want to hang out with someone who does it, but I want to hang out with people who want to make everything they don’t like illegal even less.

  6. Windy Wilson says:

    Having just watched Wardogs of the Pacific on one of the military/history/cable channels, with interviews of ex-GI’s talking about how close they were to their dogs, I recall one of the participants saying that his experience changed his view of dogs. I think the most appropriate sentence for Mr. Vick would have been to participate in the dog training exercises for the US Army. Six weeks of constant contact with one particular dog, feeding it, grooming it, training and practicing with it, even sleeping with it in the field, and Mr. Vick would have been a changed man. I seriously doubt today he has changed his attitude towards dogs, except to recognize that other people don’t like what he did.

  7. Caleb says:

    IIRC, he was convicted on RICO charges at the federal level.

    • perlhaqr says:

      Yet another primarily artificial “crime”, the way it’s used today. Dogfighting is illegal, so a dogfighting business is an illegal business, so the people working that business are guilty of racketeering. It’s totally circular logic.

  8. planetcaveman says:

    Philly fans are assholes, they’ll boo the hell out of you even if you do everything right but just get beat by a better team. The other side of that coin is that they’ll accept anything if it means they win.

    The sad truth is that if Michael Vick starts doing great stuff on the football field people will give him a pass and forget about the dogfighting bit. He was a SPECTACULAR athlete but it almost seems that hampered him at being a quarterback, at the very least this should be interesting.

    Marko, I don’t know if you believe in karma but this situation could be a meltdown of epic proportions. The most popular player on a football team after a loss is the back-up QB, the Eagles will lose games sooner or later and if it’s due to the offense at all the fans will be clamoring for Vick to come in and take over at QB. With all of the offensive weapons Donovan McNabb has at his disposal the fans will not be tolerant of mistakes.

    The addition of Vick to the Eagles could accelerate and amplify any bad fortune the team has this year.

  9. Caleb says:

    As a football player, Michael Vick was never anything more than an a talented running back with a decent arm who thought he could play quarterback. He was wrong.

    • Laughingdog says:

      I have to disagree on that end. He wasn’t wrong to think he was a good quarterback. In fact, your description is what made him a damn good quarterback…in college. The error made by him and the staff in Atlanta was thinking that same tactic would play still work in the NFL.

      As for the main point of the post. I personally don’t have any ethical issue at all with laws making dog fighting and animal torture illegal. However, I do agree that they: a) shouldn’t be federal laws and b)probably shouldn’t actually exist because PETA will find some way to twist them to the point that hunting, or even having a pet, is “torture”.

      I also don’t have a problem with a team hiring him after all of this. He’s done his time. I’d have a hard time resisting the urge to spit at him if I saw him. But that doesn’t mean he should have to live in some gutter the rest of his life. Hell, it’s ridiculous as it is how hard it is for a felon to get a job after doing their time.

      Consider this. Most jobs require some kind of license from the state to do them. But most state licensing boards won’t allow felons to be licensed. They don’t even leave it up to the employers to make up their own mind about a felon as a result. That just doesn’t seem like the best solution to reducing recidivism. On top of that, consider some of the recent posts floating around on the popular gun blogs pointing out that nearly every person in the country has probably commited at least one felony in their life without even knowing it.

  10. Football isn’t everything. Cruel treatment of animals like dogs (torture) speaks to a person’s true character. It’s not that he was just covering up or looking the other way…he actually DID torture dogs. He’s despicable.

  11. RevolverRob says:

    Let’s face facts. Torturing animals is an asshole thing to do. But in some regard perlhaqr is right. Don’t get me wrong here, if someone tortured my dog, I would be mighty inclined to do the same to him. But, that’s not the reason that dog fighting is illegal. The “animal cruelty” laws are the reason it remains illegal, but the reason it WAS illegal in the first place, is because of the general prohibition on gambling.

    Dog fighting is illegal for the same reason cock fighting is illegal, for the same reason why quite a few boxing matches are illegal, gambling.

    And gambling, like many other things, really shouldn’t be illegal. It’s a prohibition that tells you what to do, like seat belt laws.


  12. He’s a reprehensible so-and-so, but we’re willing to give rapists, burglars and bank robbers a second chance. Why not him? He’s done his time or, as we used to put it, paid his debt to society. Let’s see if he can take a second chance and make something of it. There’s plenty of time to punish him if he does it again.

  13. planetcaveman says:


    A dog is not the same as a book, it’s a living being capable of suffering and pain, that’s why we make laws protecting them.


    Vick violated the league policy by being running a gambling ring.

  14. Tam says:

    I think mice are way cuter than pit bulls. And I fed them live to a ball python.

    I know that Marko doesn’t spend any money at Eagles games, but I know he’s dropped tons of money patronizing a man who cheerfully discussed the cats he shot in his yard.

    And I’ll buy the book of a man who makes hash marks on the bottom of his mouse traps.

    A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy, indeed.

    • planetcaveman says:

      Were the dogs pests bothering him? Is the snake eating the mouse like it does in nature or was a some guy using a blowtorch to burn off a limb at a time? Sorry, not the same thing.

      Refraining from torturing animals is just one of the prices Vick will need to pay for living in a society where he can make incredible money by playing a game, if he doesn’t like it he is free to move to the anarchists paradise of Somalia, I hear the quality of life there is amazing.

      My heart isn’t going to bleed for people who torture and kill animals, if they’re into that it probably won’t be long before they move up to humans.

  15. Antibubba says:

    Two-leggeds that abuse animals and children are the scum of the earth. Having said that I agree 100% with Standard Mischief. The guy did his time, and he’ll be paying for it for years to come.

    If you don’t like the animal abuse laws, the only thing to do is contact your elected representatives and tell them you want even more laws passed, with even more draconian sentences. Sucks, doesn’t it?

  16. John Gall says:

    It illustrates a problem I find in all professional sports – the governing bodies all claim to hold their players up to the public as examples of men and women the public should aspire to emulate, yet when a player proves to be in any way less than that ideal, the bottom line seems to always become “go for the money, screw the moral issues.”

    It will be a wonderful thing if Vick truly is a changed person and lives the rest of his life proving it by doing good work . However, I’m just another human and cynical to boot, so I think he’s still just another asshole who got caught and has learned to hide being an asshole to try and save his own ass.
    You will never convince me that such a person could forget having had the lifestyle of a spoiled rich fuck and learn to be happy and content with the lifestyle of his only other options – which might be holding as skilled a position as a hamburger processing technician (MacDonald’s cook or assistant) or an after-hours office cleaning trainee.

    And you’d be correct if you think I begrudge him his outrageously high salary for being somewhat athletically gifted. No apologies offered for that either.

  17. He didn’t Nifong anyone, ram-rodding a case through the court where he knew the defendants were innocent. He didn’t stand around polling places and intimidate voters of a different skin color. He wasn’t instrumental in changing the paper-buying requirements of Fannie Mae to allow the repurchase of risky sub-prime and option-ARM paper by a quai-goverment agency which ended up being bailed out by the taxpayers. No, all of those people seem to have gotten off without any jail time at all

    Yep, and that was wrong too.

  18. MarkHB says:


    I don’t need laws on this one. I cost someone thousands of dollars by refusing to hire then for a gig because they were an asshole.

    Someone who does bloodsport just to see things die instead of eating or making use of them is an asshole. But I’m not the one hiring him. He did his time. Maybe he learned something, maybe not – be interesting to see if he dumped a chunk of change into something beneficial re: not being an asshole.

    Being an asshole isn’t something I’m sure you can or should legislate against, but it should carry some kind of penalty. I know my industry well enough to know the eggshells I prance upon, and how unforgiving it can be. *shrugs* Some things don’t need laws. They just people to say “No, I’m not hiring you until you’ve proved you’ve stopped being an asshole”.

  19. Paul Michael says:

    A lot of hostility for a fellow human being from supposedly enlightened libertarians. What Michael Vick did was wrong as wrong can be, no two ways about it. But for everyone to crucify the man every day for the rest of his life is a far worse crime times 10. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing.

    I respect Tony Dungy a great deal as a Christian, coach, father, and general all-around-decent human. That Michael Vick is willing to submit to some fatherly mentoring – mentoring that he’s never had before in his life – says a lot.

  20. ya’ll are besmirching the good names of assholes everywhere.

    the world’s full of assholes. the world is (thankfully) not so full of evil, shallow, heartless, murderous, self-important, marginally human beings such as vick.

    there’s a special place in hell for him and others like him, but it’s my opinion that there is a special place in heaven for assholes who are thought such for taking a non-pc, non-traditional, and often non-cool approach to things…and having the gall to say so.

    asshole emeritus

  21. MarkHB says:

    Not least the good name of Assholes for everyone who’s read a bit of John Scalzi.

    However, I find it entertaining but fruitless to debate the schema and standardization of One Statute Asshole. I know many contumatious, contrary, cantakerous folk who are Not Assholes by the definition I employed – I did state that in this case “asshole” meant “one who enjoys suffering for the sake of watching it”, but I’m gonna let you off on this one, Pawn.

    I’m starting to think that some days you just want an argument for the fun of it, Pawnbroker. This would actually put things between us in an entirely different light.

    • well, the fun of argument does fit the mold of a proper asshole, h-b…

      but you won’t find a real southerner using the term “ya’ll” to address the singular, so i was actually speaking to you and marko, who mis-applied the term in his first response to perl.

      there’s way better invective to describe the likes of vick; maybe cranky could provide (ya’ll) a few appropriate examples…that girl is a cursing artist.


  22. williamthecoroner says:

    Agreed, Michael Vick has paid his debt to society. Michael Vick is a person of bad character. The penalty for being of bad character need not be financial. If the Eagles think they will benefit as a team from his presence, that is a business decision. I would be pleased if his teammates refused to talk to him for anything but business. A good social ostracism would do wonders for enforcing a no-asshole rule. Not a law, not imposed by the gubmnent, but a rule that decent people don’t DO stuff like that.

  23. […] People who need pianos dropped on them, Social Commentary — williamthecoroner @ 14:34 Via Marko and Cranky, I learn that Michael “Ookie” Vick has ressurected his professional football […]

  24. Jake says:

    in other news, Plaxico Burress got a similar jail sentence for simply being a moron.

    “four laws of gun safety? what’s a safety?”

  25. John Cunningham says:

    I guess the slogan in Filthadelphia is going to be, “Hide your beagle! Vick’s an Eagle!!”

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