bedtime in a libertarian household.

Tonight’s bedtime story was “The Three Little Pigs Learn That If You Own A Rifle, You Can Build Your House Out Of Any Damn Material You Want”.

Tomorrow, we’ll do a reading of “Goldilocks Violates Some Property Rights And Is Lucky She Doesn’t Get Shot In The Face”.

24 thoughts on “bedtime in a libertarian household.

  1. Ish says:

    I do not like green eggs and ham,
    Now git off my property, Sam-I-Am…

  2. Heh. I can tell you what really happened to Goldilocks <a href="when I tell the story.

  3. Patrick says:

    I have three small kids of my own, but I have yet to be quite so “instructional” at story time. I should take lessons from you.

    Of course, I live in New Jersey, so if the kids were to repeat any of it at kindergarten/pre-school, I’d probably get a visit from the thought police.

  4. John Gall says:

    Could you please post the text of both stories. I know a few adults who need some bedtime stories.

  5. perlhaqr says:

    Ish++

    That was awesome. 😀

  6. Jay G. says:

    I prefer “Goldilocks and the Castle Doctrine” m’self…

  7. Andrew says:

    Now the star-bellied Sneetches had bellies with stars
    While the plain-bellied Sneetches had none upon thars
    When the star-bellies came with the torches some nights
    The plain-bellies with shotguns asserted their rights!

  8. Andrew says:

    An edit suggested by my brother, for clarity:

    Now the white-hooded Sneetches had bellies with stars
    While the plain-bellied Sneetches had none upon thars
    When the white-hoodies came with the nooses some nights
    The plain-bellies with shotguns asserted their rights!

  9. aczarnowski says:

    I sense this comment section is going good places.

  10. Nancy R. says:

    My daughter has nightmares about the Big Bad Wolf. Her first target was a picture of said wolf. This shot-full-of-holes target now adorns her bedroom door as a warning to all wolves who might try to hamper her sleep.

  11. Sir Limerick says:

    “Sleeping Beauty Remains In Coma After Universal Health Care Refusal To Cover Controversial ‘Kiss-By-Prince’ Treatment”
    “‘That Giant’s Not So Big Now!’: Jack and John Moses Browning’s Great Equalizer”

  12. MarkHB says:

    I still want a print copy of this:

    Peter Rabbit Tank Killer

  13. scaramouche says:

    MarkHB, that link doesn’t work.

  14. Rick R. says:

    I formatted “Peter Rabbit, Tank Killer” into a nice printable copy. . .

  15. ASM826 says:

    Little Red Riding Hood and the Very Dead Wolf
    (excerpt)
    “Grandma, what big teeth you have!”

    “The better to eat you with”, said the wolf as he sprang from the bed.

    “Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam”, said Little Red Riding Hood’s .357.

    “Nice group”, said Grandma, emerging from the closet, “That wolf got the drop on me as I came out of the shower. I couldn’t get to the safe before he forced me into the closet.”

  16. Ken says:

    Can’t claim cleverness points, but while reading a version of a Robin Hood story retold by James Baldwin with my (homeschooled) elder son, I came across the phrase “Robin Hood only robbed rich people who did no work,” more or less.

    That interested me enough to do some research on Mr. Baldwin (not wanting to make an unfair accusation), and — long story short — I got to introduce my son to the phenomenon of Communist propaganda in the schools.

  17. Velma says:

    I like your version of “Goldilocks,” I have to admit. Any version that has that little trespasser and vandal getting what she justly deserves makes me happy. (My mother used to end it with the bears having a rich meaty stew, and Mama Bear embroidering with golden threads, and that made me very very happy.)

  18. LOL. Link sent to father-in-law!

  19. […] leave a comment » Via Says Uncle we have bedtime stories for libertarian households. […]

  20. DirtCrashr says:

    Boris the Kulak loves his red tractor,
    and shot the Commissar who came after his daughter…

    …Would have been a whole different 1933 for the Ukraine.

  21. Tom Bri says:

    I told similar stories, with the wolf ending up as a nice fur lap blanket for Granny and everyone enjoying a bowl of wolf stew. My daughter, about two, built a gun out of legos in case of a wolf attack.

    We also had variations on Goldilocks…

    The kids eventually decided my stories were too bloody and made me revamp them.

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