random saturday crankiness.

  • Lady at the register at Price Chopper in front of me:  If you pay a $400 grocery bill with EBT, you should not have a half dozen live lobsters in your shopping cart.  Also: EBT is meant for you to get nutritious stuff for your kids, too.  You also purchased a whole 12-can flat of nasty ravioli, I see.  You should consider exploring the nutritional middle ground between fresh Maine lobster and Chef Boyardee ravioli product.
  • Oblivious woman at the I-89 interchange:  When you pull out in front of me while I have the right of way, so I have to step on the brakes hard enough for the recycling containers in the back of my van to crash into the front seat backs, you don’t get to then complain about me “riding your ass” when we get out of our cars in the Borders parking lot within earshot of each other. 
  • Modulation-impaired guy in the Borders cafe: Cell phones are truly an amazing technology, and I share your excitement about the ability to talk to people sans wires.  I am, however, entirely uninterested in your conversation with your girlfriend—which, by the way, was conducted at sufficient volume to burn through the aural shield of my iPod serving up tasty tunes at 75% volume.
  • All you Vermonters who go shopping in West Lebanon on Saturdays: I do appreciate you bringing your business into our lovely state, even though I am subsidizing your tax-free shopping with my substantial property taxes.  Do, however, try to pull your collective heads out of your asses, and learn the basics of traffic flow on our dear, overtaxed Route 12.  You really ought to have figured out by now which lane goes back on the highway to Vermont, and which lanes are for through traffic and local folk just trying to get home in time for lunch.  Trying to squeeze into the Vermont-bound lane and tying up local traffic because none of your fellow hippies will let you cut in line makes the locals very cranky.
  • Tough guy in the pickup truck throwing me the dumb-aggressive evil eye for daring to look over at you: Don’t.  Just don’t.  I have seen things that would make you scream in a girlish timbre.  I can change a nuclear diaper on a Six Flags rollercoaster without getting a fleck on me, and still shoot out the ten ring from twenty yards right afterward, all while half dead or fully drunk.  You’re not as tough as you think, zit face.
  • Dear Miley Cyrus: Do you like to sing?  Well, if you do, maybe you ought to have someone give you lessons.  I accidentally listened to twenty seconds of your “Party in the U.S.A.” before I could get a hand free to change stations, and my IQ dropped by a corresponding number of points.  Holy farking shyte, that sounded like someone ran a sound sample from a middle school recess conversation through Auto-Tune.

That’s about it for the day.  I now declare the bar open.  We’re having baked ziti tonight, and I intend to marinate in rum & coke after dinner.

23 thoughts on “random saturday crankiness.

  1. MarkHB says:

    Drink. Drink *NOW!*

  2. Jay G. says:

    There is definitely something in the air. I was stopped at a crosswalk while a pedestrian crossed the street and some brainless c**t go AROUND me ON THE LEFT (other side of the road), causing the pedestrian to literally have to jump out of the way.

    She then stopped at the RED LIGHT that was 25 feet away.

    Don’t worry. The two kids she had in the back seat learned some interesting new words when the mean ol’ Republican in the pick-up truck pulled up next to her.

    Good luck explaining “Brain dead cum-burping blow pig” to little Tyler and Tifanii…

    • Stan says:

      Really Jay, tell us how you feel deep down inside, don’t hold it in.

    • perlhaqr says:

      This. I was in Colorado Springs yesterday (yes, first mistake) on a freeway onramp (in the rain, of course) when some daft bitch decided to try and pass me. And then only got halfway there, and sat right next to me. Probably because there wasn’t actually space between me and the car ahead of me for her.

      I have to admit to some testosterone poisoning, though. I was a bad man and didn’t let her in, forcing her to slam on the brakes rather than end up in the median. But damnit if I don’t want to reward shitty driving by letting people get away with it.

  3. MarkHB says:

    *sends bumper stickers to Jay and Marko reading “I Suffer the Stupid Their Learning”*

  4. Holly says:

    Tough guy in the pickup truck throwing me the dumb-aggressive evil eye for daring to look over at you:

    I had that the other day! I was eating with a friend at Denny’s, and this tough guy walked in, and just by reflex (I was facing the door, it had a noisy chime, and the restaurant was nearly empty) I looked up at him momentarily. He gave me this huge sneer and flipped me off.

    Because how dare I… notice him? I guess.

    • Kristopher says:

      Predatory assholes get angry when one of us normal persons looks them in the eye.

      Just put your hand on the but of your pistol and laugh at them. They will back off.

      • MarkHB says:

        You have to be truly small inside to be possessive of photons which have already turned their backs to you.

      • Tam says:

        I do not cuss at the people, nor do I flip them off. Their feelings might get hurt and they may wander over and try to escalate the situation, and I frankly don’t have time for that.

        WWCD?

        • Kristopher says:

          He would perform a stylized form of vaguely martial-arts seeming dance in their midst, and they would fall over and fling their firearms away for no discernible good reason.

          ( I did like his performance in Kill Bill … Carradine did actually take the time to learn some Iaido. )

  5. julie says:

    i would second the drink option …. actually, i’ll think i’ll have one too ….

  6. Lissa says:

    “Brain dead cum-burping blow pig”

    Why thanks, Jay G! Diet Coke makes a DANDY sinus cleanser when properly snorfed.

  7. Some days, it’s hard not to flash a winning smile at the tough guys, especially the ones in high school.

    I’m exactly as fat and balding as I look, kid, and I’ll still stomp your ass into a mudhole and walk it dry.

  8. MarkHB says:

    Yep. I seem to have developed the habit of grinning at jerks. Sometimes I wink.

  9. Wild Deuce says:

    “I have seen things that would make you scream in a girlish timbre”

    The problem with thinking that is that he might have DONE things that would make YOU scream in a girlish timbre. Either way, it’s Hubris on both counts.

  10. Sigivald says:

    Canned ravioli just aren’t that bad, and kids eat them without being beaten savagely.

    The only “bad” thing in there is salt, and the RDA for salt is based on ludicrously bad assumptions about salt’s health effects, and can be ignored with complete safety unless the consumer is dangerously hypertensive.

    A much more sensible thing than the lobsters, in terms of nutrition for the dollar, in any case.

  11. Reuben says:

    I’m guessing that the lobsters aren’t for her, but for some kind of aftermarket transaction

    Most states have shut down food stamps to prevent fraudulant use of them as script. So there has developed a kind of triangle trade, EBT–>Food–>Cash.

  12. LabRat says:

    Try Firefly. It’s a sweet tea flavored vodka, and as dubious as that sounds it’s outrageously tasty, especially chilled with a little lemon juice.

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