cattlestar britannica.

Friend Mark and I have been tossing around a few concepts for a new SF series called “Cattlestar Britannica.”  The story centers on the titular warship, sole survivor of a devastating Cylon attack on the Twelve Colonies, and her crew’s adventures as she guides a rag-tag fleet of civilian ships to a new home.

As a Sunday treat, I’ll share a preview with you: the episode guide for Season One.

  • Episode 1:  The Britannica’s flight to safety is almost foiled at the start when Commander Blairdama apologizes to the attacking Cylon task force for causing offense, and offers the Britannica as restitution. 
  • Episode 2:  Ragnar Anchorage refuses to issue much-needed munitions for the Britannica’s guns, as the Office of Health & Safety has determined that weapons are dangerous, and someone could get hurt.
  • Episode 3:  Commander Blairdama issues an order mandating five years in the brig for anyone caught onboard the Britannica with a sidearm or a pocket knife.
  • Episode 4:  The Cattlestar’s security detachment accidentally shoots 382 crew members on suspicion of being Cylon infiltrators.
  • Episode 5:  When Britannica gets boarded by a party of Centurions, the ship’s XO takes desperate measures to hold off the foe:  security cameras and ID checks at every corridor intersection.
  • Episode 6:  Cattlestar Britannica receives upgrades–speed bumps in the launch tubes, and roundabouts installed on the flight deck.  When a massive Cylon raid bears down on the Cattlestar, no Vipers can be launched, because all the pilots are in the brig for insufficient profile on their landing skids, or exceeding the speed limit in the launch tubes.
  • Episode 7:  Tactical officer Lt. Gaeta gets thrown in the brig for hate speech—referring to incoming Cylons  as “hostile raiders.”
  • Episode 8:  Doc Cottle, the ship’s only qualified physician, blows his brains out due to the stress put on him by the “free health care for all” mandate.  An investigation finds that the doctor hadn’t slept since the beginning of the Cylon attack, two months prior.
  • Episode 9: A Cylon infiltrator blows himself up on the Britannica, killing twenty-six Marines and civilians.  Commander Blairdama reacts by offering the Cylons a seat on the Quorum of Twelve, and the entire starboard flight pod to set up their own society and justice system.  The Brittanica’s spiritual leaders promptly offer to enforce Cylon religious law throughout the rag-tag fleet.
  • Episode 10:  An empty cartridge case is found in the pilot ready room.  Flight ops come to a standstill as the Britannica’s bomb squad is out of action with food poisoning.
  • Episode 11:  A budding mutiny is swiftly suppressed by the judicious issuance of Anti-Social Behaviour Orders.
  • Episode 12:  A Cylon defector asks for asylum on the Britannica, but ends up committing suicide after sampling the food in the Cattlestar’s mess hall.
  • Episode 13:  A CAP flight of Vipers is ambushed by a superior Cylon force.  Hotshot pilot Starbuck is brought up on charges of Firing Back At The Enemy.
  • Episode 14:  Some of the Britannica’s mechanics actually manage to fix a broken Viper, and are promptly fired for anticompetitive practices and for making the other repair crews "look bad and feel invalidated".
  • Episode 15:  Starbuck manages to capture a Cylon raider, but the craft is scrapped after it can’t be converted to comply with Colonial Fleet safety regulations and right-side steering.  Starbuck is charged with theft.
  • Episode 16:  Genius scientist Dr. Baltar comes up with a fail-proof Cylon Detector when he discovers that Cylons have immaculate dental health.

That’s the schedule for Season One of “Cattlestar Britannica”.  Maybe we’ll come up with enough ideas for me to share the episode guide for Season Two later…


7 thoughts on “cattlestar britannica.

  1. Chang says:

    Back around the time of the original Battlestar series, MAD magazine ran a parody called “Cattlecar Garlictica.” I remember only the title. Yet not where I left my car keys. Damn.

  2. Kristopher says:

    You’ll remember where the car keys were about 20 minutes after having a new set made.

  3. T.Stahl says:

    I must be a Cylon. Ten years ago I made it to the UK of not-so-Great-anymore-Britain and Northern Ireland, armed to the teeth. I managed to in- and exfil with no less than three knives: a Glock knife, a Victorinox Huntsman F, and a SwissTool. I even went to the IWM twice with said SwissTool on my belt, without being arrested.
    After that trip my Norwegian friend suggested that next time we should go hiking someplace where carrying knives is legal and common – like Norway.

    BTW, my brother is convinced that the cows contracted BSE from the Brits, not vice versa. 😉

  4. T.Stahl says:

    Oh, I’d watch that series – as long as it’ll feature John Cleese as Commander Blairdama and Rowan Atkinson in a supporting role.

  5. MarkHB says:

    Rowan Atkinson could probably pull off a good Colonel Tgh as the XO. (It used to be “Tigh”, but the Cylons took the i). (sorry).

  6. Desertrat says:

    Nuthin’ like novelizin’ current events, I allus say.


  7. Madrocketscientist says:

    Excellent, the only way this would be better is if every line had a link to an article showing that this kind of crap really happens over there.

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