another round of security kabuki.

Some Jihadi tries to blow up a plane with explosive underpants, and the TSA promptly does what it has been doing since 2002: slamming the stable door shut long after the horse has bolted, and catching all our metaphorical dicks in it in the process.  The public needs to regain the illusion of safety, so the TSA takes swift steps to prevent any future attacks that may occur in precisely the same fashion.

Have you noticed that all those Jihadis are always so joyless?  Like most proper religious zealots, fun seems to be specifically outlawed for them.  The fanatics in the hardcore fundamentalist offsprings of the Big Three Abrahamic religions are actually remarkably similar in that respect—they usually prohibit eating tasty stuff, using your body for any pleasurable activity, listening to non-Godly music, chugging booze, or doing anything that’s not directly related to scoring brownie points with the Big Guy upstairs.

Anyway, I thought it might be time for a new business venture, to bring some cheer to the joyless Warriors of Allah.  I’ll need some venture capital for this, but I think it has enormous profit potential:

Introducing Kablamnimals™!   The first line of explosive underwear with Koran-friendly cartoon characters!

Why put on those ugly homemade long johns when you could be blowing yourself into paradise while your loins are girded with whimsical and amusing animal friends?  Choose from any of over two dozen characters, including Ghalib the Goat, Farouk the Fox, Hassan the Horse, and Careem the Camel! 

The only explosive underwear on the market with an eternal guarantee!  (Available with TNT, Semtex, and PETN liners.)  Look for Kablamnimals™ soon at your local JihadMart, Hamas-R-Us, or official Wahhabi World™ merchandise store.

12 thoughts on “another round of security kabuki.

  1. MarkHB says:

    That’ll go fine with my range of “Dictator In My Pocket” dolls, and the spin off “Kurdish Patch Kids”.

    Really, though – until the inevitable Security Theatre knee-jerk kicked in I was laughing my ass off over this. We’ve heard of “The Martyr’s Vest”, and even now The Shoe Bomb but these are the first Martyr’s Pants I’ve heard of. Also, exactly where do these people study chemistry? What do they do, pour random chemicals into a bucket, stir it with their dicks and shout “INSHALLAH!” at it? Chemistry is one of the most rewarding sciences because of it’s relatively easy to get the same, correct result time after time by following the procedures with care. I’m not complaining, but really – Clown Car grade science.

    I’m almost eager to see what comes next. I’ve got a Bingo card of Maxwell Smart’s different Spy Gadgets here, so I’m guessing the next bomb is going to be a toupée. Probably bright red and curly on someone of dusky complexion – that’ll be nice and subtle.

    As regards Security Theatre: The current MO with anything from drugs to domestic crime to Abdul Anfopants is “To Be Seen To Be Doing Something” – I know most habitual thinkers are sick of it and see it as a complete bagatelle, but it keeps The Voters happy, and gives an answer to the inevitable “What Are You Doing To Stop This?”

    I could seethe for hours about how useless all the TSA measures are, but instead I think I’ll look up TSA Ganstas on YouTube and have a chortle at the thought of random “bomb-maker’s” (HA!) going up in a flash as they get piss in their perchlorate.

  2. Has anyone ever explained to the TSA that banning bathroom breaks during the last hour will only cause the fanatics to light off their underoos in the middle of the Atlantic ocean?

    I’m pretty sure that 911 response time out there is a wee bit slow.

  3. Chang says:

    I pee myself with laughter at your infidel ways!!!

    Kablamnimals! Damn!

  4. Kristopher says:

    You stop this crap by killing the religious leaders who put him up to it, and told him he would go to Paradise if he blew up an airliner full of people.

    The mosque in his home town, and the one that trained him in Yemen need to be reduced to rubble.

    Enough retaliation, and this cult’s religious leaders will suddenly have a new revelation about violence. This process was what ended witch burnings in Europe, BTW … local royalty had decided they had had enough of this, and started hanging religious instigators.

    “Enlightenment” is always imposed on a religion.

  5. Gerry N. says:

    No access to crapper for the last hour? Do it on the floor so everyone on the plane can enjoy it. Scream “Inshallah!!” or “Allahu Akbar!!” as loud as you can with every joyful turd.

    Yep, that ought to do it.

    Gerry N.

  6. Holly says:

    Exploding underpants? Oh no… and I thought taking off my shoes at security was a pain.

  7. Lissa says:

    Just . . . but . . . Marko . . . And . . .

    (Picture me laughing while goggling in horror)

  8. Tam says:

    …and whatever you do, don’t mix’n’match the labels!

  9. R.A.W. says:

    Pretty sure that the artistic depiction of animals is a no-no to qutbists.

    Just sayin’

  10. Justthisguy says:

    I don’t recall where I read this, but am quite certain that I did so: Somebody was quoting an Ayatollah in Iran who was responding to a question from one of the flock, who complained about not having much fun once he’d begun to take his religion seriously.

    The answer the boy got? “There is no fun in Islam!”

  11. Heath J says:

    Funny stuff there, I just snorted RC cola..

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