monday search term safari LXXXIV.

can saltine crackers kill a mouse

You can kill a mouse with saltine crackers by a.) lacing the crackers with rat poison, and leaving them out on the kitchen counter at night with a sign saying FREE MOUSE FUD, or b.) freezing the pack of saltines, and then using it to beat the mouse to death.

my printer print strange letters and symbols

That may be caused by printing something in a language other than your own.  It’s a little-known fact that the Feds require all printers sold in the U.S. to only print in American English. 

A word to the wise, however: if your printer has suddenly started spitting out pages from the Necronomicon, you should probably unplug it and put it on Craigslist.

typewriter "four dots"

The key with four dots arranged in a square pattern is found on Olympia typewriters, and it unlocks the margin release.  When you ignore the little bell that says the line is about to end, and you hit the right margin of the page, you can hit the margin release key to override the hard margin for that one line.

colt cobra vs. baby glock

The Cobra holds six rounds, weighs less than the Glock, and is way more stylish.  The baby Glock holds a bunch more rounds (10+1 in 9mm, and 9+1 in .40/.357), is faster to reload, and packs a bit more punch.  I’d feel comfortable carrying either, honestly, but I’m a revolver kind of guy.  On paper, the Glock is the superior self-defense piece.

kids hazmat suit

A hazmat suit is not strictly a necessity when you have kids, but it’s not a bad thing to have around, either.  There will be diaper changes where your first instinct will be to just call the EPA, and have them come out with their hazmat spill trucks.

central vac lost it’s sucking power

If you have kids, that lack of suction is probably caused by the fact that your central vac is clogged with soggy Cheerios, cartoon-themed underwear, half a bucket of Tinkertoys, a Batman action figure, and half a dozen stuffed animals.

thomas the tank engine satanic

Jeez-O-Pete, can people please stop searching kid programs for theologically offensive content?  I’ve watched most of the Thomas DVDs (a side effect of Quinn being a huge fan), and there’s nothing in there that would make me raise an eyebrow.  Did you know, by the way, that the creator of Thomas was a man by the name of Rev. W. V. Awdry

You can run just about any kid show through an ideological filter, and if you want to take offense to something, you’ll find a way.  If I were a Marxist/socialist parent, for example, I’d object to Thomas because it’s a pro-capitalism show, where the plutocratic exploiter of the working trains, Sir Topham Hatt, makes a profit off the labor of his engines, and sends them to be scrapped when they are no longer Really Useful. 

why do liberals hate libertarians

Because Libertarians oppose government handouts, which in some peoples’ logic means “letting people starve in the streets”, and because Libertarians are usually unapologetically pro-market and pro-capitalism. 

"writer’s bump" thumb

The Writer’s Bump is a little callus on the middle finger of the writing hand of someone who writes with a pen a lot.  As people have largely switched to computers for composition, the Writer’s Bump has gradually been replaced by new professional trademarks: the Writer’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and the Writer’s Extra Thirty Pounds From Sitting On One’s Ass Near A Fridge All Day Long.

 

And that’s it for this morning.  Now let’s all join our coworkers in the recitation of the Corporate Song, before going back to our meaningless tasks!

10 thoughts on “monday search term safari LXXXIV.

  1. Lissa says:

    It took me a few seconds to figure out your new header; at first I thought it was a stylized Halloween-ish scene, complete with wispy clouds and ghosts. I need more coffee.

  2. Shrimp says:

    Thomas the Tank Engine satanic??

    That’s an entirely new one on me. Like yourself, I’ve had to endure…er, I mean watch… almost every one, and I laughed out loud at your comment.

    A former coworker and I used to love that George Carlin did the narration/vo for a huge number of the shows. Something about the guy who gave us the seven words you can’t say on TV doing childrens’ shows gave us fits of laughter.

    Maybe that’s where it came from? Who knows? I wonder if the Onion started this one, too.

  3. Tam says:

    Railroad To Perdition: How Thomas the Tank Engine is putting your children on the rails straight to Hell!

  4. Zompocalypse says:

    Hmm. The printer question reminds me of “Pickman’s Modem” a short story I read a while ago.

    Z

  5. MarkHB says:

    I try to use my powers only for good, but the urge to do something truly, abysmally horrible with Thomas the Satan Engine is strong.

  6. Gerry N. says:

    Central Vac lost it’s sucking power?

    You forgot the time Mr. Squiggles the Teddy Bear Hamster “volunteered” to go in on that suicide mission.

    Gerry N.

  7. RevolverRob says:

    Sweet, I have a writer’s bump! Maybe it’s from too much fountain pen and longhand writing…nah…

    -Rob

  8. […] some kind soul was asking for it, Marko explains the Writer’s Bump: The Writer’s Bump is a little callus on the middle finger of the writing hand of someone who […]

  9. Joanna says:

    “the Writer’s Bump has gradually been replaced by new professional trademarks: the Writer’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and the Writer’s Extra Thirty Pounds From Sitting On One’s Ass Near A Fridge All Day Long.”

    Some of us find longhand physically uncomfortable and downright impractical (profusely sweaty palms = paper go bye-bye after five minutes). Hence, carpal tunnel instead of a bump.

    I … don’t really have an excuse for the second one.

  10. ditto says:

    People starving in the steets isn’t a bad idea if they are too lazy to work. If they really need assistance, then give them a check while they pee in the bottle.
    Operation golden flow is high on my agenda for welfare recipients.

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