monday search term safari XCIII.

pilot logbook parker pen

The Parker “51” was the top-of-the-line Parker pen in the 1940s, and the P-51 Mustang was the USAAF’s main fighter plane at the time.  When a pilot was suspected of padding his flight log, he was said to have logged “P-51” hours.

who wrote essay the gun is civilization

I did.  Someone suggested I change my name to Major Caudill, and now I’m seriously considering adopting “Maj. L. Caudill” as a pen name for my MilSF novels, as a middle-finger salute of sorts.

sigourney weaver flamethrower

Sigourney Weaver is anti-gun, but you wouldn’t be able to tell from her performance as Ripley in Aliens, where she wields a pulse rifle rigged to a flamethrower with duct tape.

I want to get my very own flamethrower, and name it Sigourney.  Can you imagine a better area effect weapon in case of zombie apocalypse?  While you amateurs try to thin out the advancing hordes one at a time with headshots from your poodle shooters and pistols, I’ll light a Caudillo-brand cigar on Sigourney’s pilot flame, and then rack up a hundred kills with one casual left-to-right sweeping motion.

shelby foote dip pens why he liked them

He said they slowed him down, because he had time to think while dipping the pen every few sentences.  It wouldn’t quite work for me, but it worked for him, because he wrote his multi-volume Civil War history that way.  You can’t argue with results.  Some people have written novels on cell phone number pads, and if I had the choice between writing a novel on my Samsung flip phone, or on paper with a decent dip pen, I’d take the dip pen any day of the week.  Hell, I think I’d prefer a quill…but I’m not fifteen and on Ritalin.  Like I said, what counts is the result.

scrivener munchkin wrangler

I use Scrivener, because it’s the best noveling software out there.  It lets you write your stuff in a non-linear fashion, organize it any way you want, and have your research and notes right alongside the work in progress.  The only drawback is that it’s only available for Macs, but if you’re a writer, Scrivener is a good reason to switch platforms all by itself.

(I write the first draft on paper, and then use Scrivener to transcribe, edit, and organize.  The only time I ever fire up MS Word on my system is when I check the final manuscript export to make sure it looks right.)

hate libertarians

I always get puzzled when someone professes hatred for libertarians.  I mean, as a demographic, they’re more likely to leave you alone and stay out of your hair than most other groups out there.  As a libertarian-leaning type, I am perfectly fine with you wrapping yourself in a Nazi flag and smoking pot while fondling the machine gun on your porch, as long as you don’t aim it my way.

porn on company laptop

I get that search string every week, without fail.  Look, people: in today’s super-uptight litigious environment, porn on your company computer will get you fired.  You can pick up a netbook for two bills and use it as your personal porn viewer.  Hell, you can stream porn to cell phones these days, so there’s really no reason to run the risk of losing your job over your addiction to Naughty Debbie Who Is Clearly A Barely Legal Teenager, Because, Hey, She Has Pigtails, Doesn’t She?

quick slim injections

You can’t get slim from injections, period.  Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise has something to sell you.  (As a general rule, you shouldn’t ever buy anything that’s offered on TV between the hours of 10pm and 6am.  Sleep deprivation and credit card access don’t mix well.)

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It’s Monday and it’s May, which means that you have already wasted almost half the year futzing around on the Interwebz.  Now back to work with you, kulaks!  Those entitlements aren’t going to finance themselves, you know.

26 thoughts on “monday search term safari XCIII.

  1. pdb says:

    hate libertarians

    I think most people despise libertarians because they have this irritating habit of being right all the damn time. I mean, if you understand Austrian Economics, it’s like you can see the future!

    • Rusty P Bucket says:

      Hmmmm. I don’t hate them they have so me good things going for them bvut that can be said about many crackpot ideologies.

      Sadly, most of them left their morals and ethics behind. They want to twiddle their thumbs when the nazies are marching around with flags and the druggies are shooting crap into their veins. Then they expect me to help them out when those druggies or nazies start playing with guns and the lead starts flying. It’s kind of late to deal with nazis when they are making soap out of jews.

      There is a time to do unto others before they do it unto you! Or anyone else for that matter.

      • perlhaqr says:

        Sadly, most of them left their morals and ethics behind.

        No… we just don’t share yours.

      • Marko Kloos says:

        How do I break this to you gently, Rusty?

        You wouldn’t know morals and ethics if they dressed in spandex suits labeled in ten-inch orange letters, strapped blinking lights to their heads, and boinked each other in front of you while shouting “Ho, Morals! Ho, Ethics!”

        • Rusty P Bucket says:

          Ha ha ha!

          Spandex Faggotry=Morals, Munchkin?

          It only proves what I say. The homos scream that they want the privacy of their own bedrooms…and when they come down with AIDS the butt blasters expect me to jump in the hospital bed with them and pay for all their treatments.

          I don’t know if God hates faggots,can’t speak for him, but Darwin has made it clear how he feels about them.

        • Marko Kloos says:

          Interesting that you can infer gender and preferred intercourse method from that short narrative that lacked any gender identifiers. Says a lot about you, actually.

          Fat people, alcoholics, and smokers cost the public a hundred times more than AIDS patients, Rusty. How come you don’t get all worked up about those? If financial burden is your yardstick for ethics and morals, going to McDonald’s is ten times as unethical and immoral as gay sex.

        • Ken says:

          You got a heck of a case of Trollus westboroensis here, Marko.

  2. Eric says:

    As for Maj. Caudill, why not just kill him off in one of your Mil/SF stories?

    As for the essay, I copied it into eReader and carry it with me on my iPhone, along with many of your other gun scribblings.

  3. Fred2 says:

    “I’ll light a Caudillo-brand cigar on Sigourney’s pilot flame, and then rack up a hundred kills with one casual left-to-right sweeping motion.”

    Err, I’d be concerned that the damed things would keep coming at me, and now I would be dealing with FLAMING, brain eating zombies. I mean seriously, talk about about a fire hazard.

    Nevermind the smell, you’ll need that cigar, because I’m willing to bed that burning & smouldering, 1/2 melted zombie has just got to smell epically bad.

    I’ve often though the solution the Zombies is is abatis and wire entanglement fields which should slow them enough so that the amateur shooters get a good shot at them, while the better shooters handle the ones who get through.

    In the case of zombie waves I’m undecided, but I lean towards armoured bulldozers with snow blower style front end.

  4. Joe Allen says:

    No, no, no… a thousand times no!

    The only thing worse than a zombie is a zombie on fire! The goddamn things will just walk around for a good 10-15 minutes setting other shit on fire before the connective tissues finally give out. Be like Mrs. O’Leary’s cow, but with napalm. And meth.

    I like the idea of publishing your Military SF as “Maj. Caudill”! I don’t think I’ve ever been able to find a real Maj. Caudill – does he even exist?

    • Dixie says:

      This. A zombie on fire is like a 5 year old with a tiki torch– they’re gonna light everything on fire, and there’s no nice way to stop them.

  5. perlhaqr says:

    I’m seriously considering adopting “Maj. L. Caudill” as a pen name for my MilSF novels, as a middle-finger salute of sorts.

    DOOO EEET! 😀

    You can’t get slim from injections, period.

    Well, Heroin. But I dunno if “quick” is the appropriate adjective. And you’re stuck with this annoying habit afterwards.

    • Ken says:

      perlhaqr is right. Do it. Do it now. Not only does it have that “middle-finger salute” value, it is Pure Unbridled Marketing Genius.

  6. El Caudillo cigar…heh.

    AND, perl is kinda right, although crystal meth brings on the skinny faster than any other injection, if you don’t mind the deadness side effect.

  7. Jeff says:

    Sometimes the tools make all the difference. Many years ago I wrote features for the local newspaper and was assigned to do a story on a colonial fair, circa 1760 in the Virginia countryside. I wanted to capture the feel, and intent, of the event by writing as if it were contemporary and I was making a diary entry. I was getting nowhere until I thought to use the writing tools of the time. Well, I had a quill pen and never lack for bottled ink. The words just flowed using the quill. Similarly, I was to do a story on an upcoming interpretive tour of Manassas Battlefield for the second Battle of Bull Run. I wrote the draft for it with a steel nib dip pen, sitting outside at night, and by the light of a candle lantern. Both stories turned out to be very effective. I’m a decent writer but using the period tools helped.

    As a side benefit, using the dip pen got me interested in fountain pens which are now my favorite writing instruments. (Especially Pelikan.)

    Thanks for mentioning Scrivener. If I can persuade the wife to go back to using Macs, after 25 years of Windows machines, Scrivener would be right up my alley. I despise MSWord and the philosophy behind it. Word is a resource hog, too damn expensive, presumptious (I’ll take care of my own grammar, thank you very much!), overly complicated, and decadent. Scrivener, and the link they had to WritingRoom, is worth getting back to Mac.

    Jeff

  8. FormerFlyer says:

    I doubt I was the first to suggest you start writing under the “nom de larcin” (“nom de plagiat”?) of Maj. Caudill. I said so half in jest, but mostly because the part of me that does marketing for a living knows that no new author can buy viral PR like that.

    You’ve got a huge reputation, built accidentally by thieves and done so under some random name they made up. Why not roll with the punches and adopt the name so you’ll be able to take advantage of it? Myself, I’d list authorship as “Major Caudill, with Marko Kloos”.

    “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
    By any other name would smell as sweet.”
    Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2), by Francis Bacon. Or possibly Christopher Marlowe. Either way. . .

    FormerFlyer

    • Will says:

      Marko,
      I think he’s got a good point. ‘Course, you could also do it as Major Caudill, using the pen name “Marko Kloos”. Oh, hell, why not do it both ways? The public is already confused, might as well build on it.🙂

  9. Michael says:

    Look, people: in today’s super-uptight litigious environment, porn on your company computer will get you fired.

    Unless you work for Uncle Sam. . .

  10. Gregg says:

    I have to agree that the whole flamethrower for zombies thing just sounds like a bad idea.

    Now, some concertina wire and one or more water cooled Browning .30s will take care of any zombie infestation with the only people breaking a sweat being the ammo humpers.

  11. […] bit of wisdom tucked into Marko’s Search Term Safari: As a general rule, you shouldn’t ever buy anything that’s offered on TV between the […]

  12. jimbob86 says:

    In africa, you most certainly can get slim from an injection ….. but most people get it from having unprotected sex with someone who already has a case of “slim” – it’s the colloquial term for AIDS in those parts, I understand…..

    • Ken says:

      Confounding the data is the apparent contemporary practice in Africa (Celia Farber wrote a great deal on this back in 1994 or thereabouts in SPIN magazine) of labeling a whole bunch of fatal ailments “le slim” whether they were really AIDS or not.

  13. I always get puzzled when someone professes hatred for libertarians. I mean, as a demographic, they’re more likely to leave you alone and stay out of your hair than most other groups out there.

    Given that a significant fraction of westerners seem to think telling you “no I won’t give you a cookie” is the same thing as stealing your cookie, I’m not especially puzzled.

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