For diet purposes, it’s not considered a “salad” if any of the following conditions are met:
- No trace of a vegetable or fruit anywhere in the dish.
- Contains deep-fried ingredients.
- Comes in a dish big enough to comfortably seat the person who ordered/prepared it.
- Contains so much sauce and toppings that Truth in Advertising rules would require labeling the dish as “Thousand Island Crouton Soup (with some vegetables)”.
- Comes in an edible bowl.
- Cannot be carried on a tablet one-handed due to weight.
- Has the word “Southern” in the name of the salad.
- Serves as an alibi side dish to a mound of deep-fried animal parts.
- (for fruit salads) Contains more whipped cream/CoolWhip/marshmallows than actual fruit by volume or weight.
You want to eat a pound of beef, half a tub of sour cream, and three large deep-fried tacos? Go right ahead, friend, but don’t kid yourself into thinking you’ll drop pounds just because someone threw all those ingredients together and called them a “salad” because there are a few shreds of lettuce at the bottom of that ten-gallon taco shell.
(On the flipside, you Panera Bread hippies can stop smirking. That wholesome Tuscan Chicken sandwich you’re eating while writing shitty poetry on your MacBook? It has as many calories as a Big Mac meal with a large order of fries.)
That concludes your dietary advice for today. Send $19.95 for Dr. Marko’s Big Guide to Nutrition and Weight Loss, subtitled “You Can’t Burn Fat By Popping Pills, So Drop That Pack of Twinkies And Get On The Fucking Treadmill, You Pig.“