they forced their “big macs” down my throat, and made me look at boobies on the internet.

Here’s my take on the “abducted” Iranian nuke scientist:

Judging by his relative freedom of movement, his various locations within the U.S. during his stay with the Great Satan, and the very obvious increase in chunkiness from month to month, I think that events roughly transpired as follows:

  • Iranian scientist is lured by the Great Satan with promise of various secular rewards for jumping ship and spilling the beans on Iran’s nuke program.
  • Iranian scientist uses a pilgrimage to Mecca to hook up with the local CIA office; gets whisked to Great Satan Land without much fanfare.
  • Iranian scientist gets pumped for information, and it turns out he either doesn’t know enough to warrant a comprehensive rewards/witness relocation package, or he has a change of heart when he remembers what his country’s spooks do with traitors.
  • Iranian scientist is on a really loose leash while in the U.S., and he takes the opportunity to check out the carnal and spiritual temptations offered in Great Satan Land.
  • After a few months of Big Macs, unrestricted Internet porn, buttered popcorn, megamalls, and late-night shopping networks, the shiny has worn off, and Iranian scientist has a change of heart regarding the desirability of Great Satan Land as his future primary place of residence.
  • Realizing that he can’t just go back home and tell the narrative as it happened, he’s playing the angles to claim that he was an unwilling party to the whole transaction, in the hopes of turning his conundrum into some sort of profit at home.

A few of the details may have happened slightly differently, but overall, I think that sketches the situation fairly accurately.  Because, dude, if we’re the Men in Black, I guarantee you that a real CIA abduction won’t see you having access to a drive-through and a webcam while you’re in captivity.

10 thoughts on “they forced their “big macs” down my throat, and made me look at boobies on the internet.

  1. BobG says:

    My feelings about it are about the same. I don’t think he was an unwilling participant in the matter.

  2. Kristopher says:

    I think his problem is that he defected during the Obama administration.

    The current admin does its best to jam both fingers in ears and shout LA LA LA LA LA, when confronted by anything resembling dangerous islamics … it’s our fault that they are dangerous, ya know.

    So now he’s here in the US, unemployed, unemployable in his original profession, and with a small stipend, and an admin that wants him to just go away.

    • MarkHB says:

      Yes. The Bush Administration would have fare much better! We may have learned how to create nuclear weapons as powerful as those used on Hiroshima.

      Damn. What a waste. We really should have kept him and interrogated him. How horrific this administration is for not defending our freedoms properly against first generation fission bombs.

      What a bummer, dude.

      Yes.

  3. Matt says:

    What makes him think he won’t wind up in the Iranian equivalent of Lubyanka Prison with his own people’s spooks while they beat the truth out of him? I doubt he’d keep his story straight after the first 48 hours and at that point, his giving in to the Great Satan will be known and he’ll likely enjoy the same outcome as if he had just publicly defected.

  4. Alemaster says:

    His Iranian “de-briefers” will make Oday’s goons look like rookies! Alemaster

  5. Windy Wilson says:

    What, and they didn’t force him to play golf, too?
    This post Cold-War CIA is staffed by slackers. If he had been a Russian defector they would have made him play golf, too. Look it up.

  6. Tam says:

    I was going to say, I haven’t seen a CIA comedy this good since Yurchenko.

  7. SoftwareNerd says:

    The Iranians probably told him his family would be hurt, and promised he would not be, if he returned and played to their script. He probably figured he would take the chance for his family’s sake.

  8. Mike Dodson says:

    Perhaps this was a planned junket? I’d hate to attribute it as intelligence-seeking, though it is almost a tenet of spycraft to gather intelligence on your enemy based on the questions they ask. So, why not have a holiday while you are working? Or, am I attributing too much intelligence to Iran and to much naivete yo the US. Ooops! Sorry; dumb question.

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