They’re doing a film adaptation of King’s (IMHO impossible-to-adapt) “Dark Tower” heptalogy, and word has it that Javier Bardem has been offered the lead role of Roland Deschain.
Now, when I imagine Roland, I don’t really see Anton Chigurh, but I guess it could be worse. I tossed around a few ideas how they could be making the worst possible adaptation of King’s Fantasy Western Sci-Fi Horror magnum opus:
- Ashton Kutcher is cast as Roland, Eddie is rewritten to be a woman and played by Jessica Alba, and the whole thing is retooled as a romantic comedy.
- Susannah is played by Halle Berry, and now has a flying wheelchair with gatling guns.
- Oy is now a talking Golden Retriever.
- Every time someone says “Thankee, sai,” there’s a laugh track, and everyone does a round of tequila shots.
- The Dark Tower is now an amusement park, and the main narrative thread involves our posse making it across the U.S. for the grand opening.
I’m a big fan of the novels, but I fear they’re too dense and expansive at the same time to really translate well onto the screen. It’s just too much material that has to be shoehorned into a commercially viable format. Whatever comes out will be a truncated compromise, a Cliff Notes sort of experience, much like the movies based on another heptalogy.
Although I’d love to be in charge of the merchandising tie-ins for the Dark Tower series and have a totally free hand. It would be epic…we’re talking a pair of live sixguns with sandalwood grips in every Happy Meal, and lobstrosity specials at Captain D’s.