cry your pardon, gunslinger.

They’re doing a film adaptation of King’s (IMHO impossible-to-adapt) “Dark Tower” heptalogy, and word has it that Javier Bardem has been offered the lead role of Roland Deschain.

Now, when I imagine Roland, I don’t really see Anton Chigurh, but I guess it could be worse.  I tossed around a few ideas how they could be making the worst possible adaptation of King’s Fantasy Western Sci-Fi Horror magnum opus:

  • Ashton Kutcher is cast as Roland, Eddie is rewritten to be a woman and played by Jessica Alba, and the whole thing is retooled as a romantic comedy.
  • Susannah is played by Halle Berry, and now has a flying wheelchair with gatling guns.
  • Oy is now a talking Golden Retriever.
  • Every time someone says “Thankee, sai,” there’s a laugh track, and everyone does a round of tequila shots.
  • The Dark Tower is now an amusement park, and the main narrative thread  involves our posse making it across the U.S. for the grand opening.

I’m a big fan of the novels, but I fear they’re too dense and expansive at the same time to really translate well onto the screen.  It’s just too much material that has to be shoehorned into a commercially viable format.  Whatever comes out will be a truncated compromise, a Cliff Notes sort of experience, much like the movies based on another heptalogy.

Although I’d love to be in charge of the merchandising tie-ins for the Dark Tower series and have a totally free hand.  It would be epic…we’re talking a pair of live sixguns with sandalwood grips in every Happy Meal, and lobstrosity specials at Captain D’s.

 

 

 

14 thoughts on “cry your pardon, gunslinger.

  1. Mike says:

    I agree with you. I know out of morbid curiosity, I will have to shell out the money to see it. You savvy?

  2. Jennifer says:

    Mmm. Lobstrocity.
    I’ve got some abominations for you
    *Calla is a gun-free zone
    *Jake is played by Justin Bieber

  3. Joe Allen says:

    I was a huge fan of the books. Until the last one. What the hell happened there?!

    My choice for Roland would be Viggo Mortenson, although Javier Bardem does have the quiet gravitas to pull it off. So few modern actors do.

    • perlhaqr says:

      The series sharkjumped earlier than that. I’m pretty sure the exact moment (for me) was when King himself became a character in the series.

      “Oh, crap! I’ve been reading fan fiction!”

  4. aczarnowski says:

    Oi. I stalled around, uhm, five I think. Right after the killer robots and Susannah’s min/maxing became to obvious to ignore. But I think Bardem could do it. “Brooding” is a big part of the character and he’s obviously got that down pat.

    I’d watch it just to see the Ruger 44 automatic that Jake supposedly carries. Man that one bugs me. It’s called the GUNSLINGER for cripe’s sake.

    As to your last adaptation option, I liked Zombieland.

  5. eli says:

    That series was the first Steven King I did not finish since picking up the Bachman books. I have tried a few of the made for TV books since. Dreck. Can’t imagine converting the Tower series to TV, nothing to work with.

  6. EXT: Rural New Hampshire. Aerial.

    V/O: And as Marko spoke the insane blasphemies, they percolated through the ether, carried far to the west by prevailing currents, and settled, as insane blasphemies do, into the busy minds of the swarming screenwriters…

  7. emdfl says:

    The one time I picked up one of his scribbling, King struck me as an author who got paid by the word count and from everythibfg I’ve seen since, he still does. Never been able to get into anything he wrote.

  8. TBeck says:

    I could see Christian Bale as Roland. He has the intensity to carry the role.

  9. Wilson says:

    “they’re too dense and expansive”
    Almost like LOTR…

  10. Lemuel says:

    I enjoyed the first book, thought the second was “okay”, and couldn’t finish the third one. I just can’t get into Stephen King, particularly his novels. I like his short stories better.
    I think Bardem will do well in the role, though I think Christian Bale or Thomas Jane would have been better choices.

  11. Chris says:

    “The Dark Tower” forever turned me off Steven King’s writing. I found it to be terribly, terribly boring.

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