seeds.

Here’s a quick short story I banged out for Herr Doktor Wendig’s “Irregular Creatures” flash fiction challenge.  It’s a little off the beaten path for me, but it was fun to write.  Continue past the split if you don’t mind a little (non-human) gore with your Corn Flakes.

Seeds

by Marko Kloos

I killed that damn squirrel for the first time right after breakfast.

I knew it was a killing shot the moment I pulled the trigger.  I’ve shot hundreds of the little bastards, and when you pop one in the head with a .22, it’s usually dead on the spot.

I say “usually”, because this one was a statistical aberration.  I saw him fall off the bird feeder in that uncoordinated head-over-tail manner of a squirrel that’s already dead before it hits the ground.  I put the rifle back into its corner by the kitchen window, put on my working gloves, and went out to retrieve the carcass for a trash can burial.  But when I got out to the bird feeder, the squirrel was gone.  All I found in the snow was a tiny spot of blood and a little crater where the body had landed.

Sometimes I miss a shot, even though it’s only twenty yards from the kitchen window to the bird feeder, and Dad’s old .22 has a scope that lets you track wildlife in the next area code.  I was pretty sure I had hit him right below his tufted ear, but I chalked it up to a bad shot.  I had probably just nicked his skull and stunned him briefly.  I shrugged and walked back to the warm house.

#

An hour later, he was back.

I had no doubt that it was the same squirrel.  He had a bullet wound below his left ear, and the fur on the side of his head was black with dried blood.  He stood at the bottom of the bird feeder again, swaying like a punch-drunk boxer, and started eating the seeds the birds had dropped.

I felt bad for winging him and leaving the poor guy in that state for an hour.  I aimed for the center of his body, and resolved to get the scope’s zero checked as soon as possible.  Then I pulled the trigger.

This one was a clean hit without question.  The bullet bowled him over in a flurry of bushy fur and spilled bird seed. He twitched once and lay still beside the feeder. Pop, smack, good night.

Except when I walked out to get the carcass, he was gone. Again.

This time, the blood spot in the snow was larger. All I found of the tree rat was a small tuft of fur with some clotted blood on it.

“Son of a bitch,” I said, and looked up.  The squirrel was dead, no doubt, so I guessed that some opportunistic raven or owl had claimed him. But there were no birds flying away, with or without dead squirrels.

I walked back to the house and put the rifle away, vaguely feeling like the victim of a prank.

#

I got a lot of squirrels every winter. Once a clan of them had found the feeders, they wouldn’t rest until all the seed was gone.  I had to cull two or three every week as long as the feeders were up.  When I saw another bushy-tailed silhouette under the feeder shortly after lunch, I got out the .22 and opened the kitchen window.  Then I looked through the scope.

Head wound with dried blood: check.  Bullet hole in the midsection: check, sort of. I couldn’t see his belly because he had his back turned, but there was no missing the exit wound on his back, or the gray intestines bulging out the hole in his dirty and blood-matted fur.

I was so freaked out that I missed my shot.  The bullet kicked up the snow beside him, but the little bastard didn’t run.  Instead, he turned his head, still chewing, and looked at me with an eye that had the milky opaqueness of a piece of quartz.

I worked the bolt, put a new round into the chamber with shaking fingers, and aimed again.

Crack.

This one hit him in the neck.  He did the same thing as before: fell over, flopped around for a second, and then lay still.  I reloaded and put another bullet into his body, for insurance. This time, I kept watching him through the scope.

He was properly dead for about thirty seconds: limp, motionless, and very much carcass-like. Then he twitched again, got to all fours like a drunk picking himself up out of a gutter after a three-night bender, and staggered off toward the nearby tree line.

“What in the fucking fuck?” I asked nobody in particular.

#

It was dark outside when I sat down at the kitchen table with my dinner. There was something moving out by the bird feeder, so I turned on the exterior lights.

The dead-but-not-dead squirrel was back.  He didn’t look so good.  In fact, he looked a lot like a stuffed toy mauled by an energetic Rottweiler.  His fur was clumped with blood and sticking out at untidy angles, and it looked like he was wearing most of his intestines on the outside now.  At that point, I was wishing for a shotgun.

I opened the window and took aim.  He stopped chewing his seeds and looked at me with milky eyes that were dead as a pair of pearls. Then he let out a shriek, and I dropped the rifle.

It wasn’t the high-pitched chik-chik-chik I’ve heard from squirrels a thousand times before. It was a shrill, piercing, tortured screech that was anger, hatred, and exasperation all rolled into one.  Stop that shit, or there will be trouble, the shriek said.

I closed the window and put the rifle away.  Then I went to the liquor cabinet and had half a highball glass of single malt.

#

Later that evening, I called my brother.

“You still want Dad’s old .22?” I asked him.  “The one with the big scope?”

“Yeah, I do,” he said.  “Why, are you getting rid of it?”

“I don’t need it anymore. I’m thinking about moving.”

“Oh, yeah?  Where to?”

“Some place without trees.  I’ve had it with those damn squirrels.”

23 thoughts on “seeds.

  1. Ancient Woodsman says:

    Chesty Puller gets reincarnated as a squirrel, and YOU had to go shoot him?

    Seriously, neat story. Thanks for sharing.

    I had a similar expirience with a particularly crafty sciurid when I was doing a birdfeeder study as a student at UNH. Ate a lot of squirrels that fall, but one was almost as durable as the fictional one you illustrate. Hint: if the .22 won’t do the job on Sciurus carolinensis, the AR15 with 55 grain SP will.

    Just make sure your stepmom isn’t enjoying her morning coffee view out the window “ooh, aren’t they cute?” moment. Trust me.

    • Joanna says:

      “Just make sure your stepmom isn’t enjoying her morning coffee view out the window “ooh, aren’t they cute?” moment. Trust me.”

      Oh, did I LOL at that.

  2. GD says:

    Absolutely fantastic. One of the best shorts I have ever read… what in the fucking fuck, indeed!

  3. Tam says:

    Zombie squirrels…

    They’re why I practice fast mag changes with my Marlin Papoose.

  4. Al Terego says:

    I do hope all here are aware that killin’ and eatin’ a zombie don’t eliminate that seed…it germinates, and grows, and consumes from the inside out, until…well, you know what happens then.

    Food for sequel?

    AT

    P.S. Speaking of consuming critters, hope the doxies survived the Great Outage…this time.

    • Marko Kloos says:

      Barely. I already had them drawing numbers for the first turn on the spit.

      • Al Terego says:

        Forgot to mention that it was a great little story…and on behalf of textspeakers everywhere, wanted to thank you for adding that tidbit to the lexicon…

        WTFF?

        Or more correctly, WTF’nF?

        Good one.

        AT

  5. Jason in WY says:

    I enjoyed the hell out of this. Thanks.

  6. MadRocketScientist says:

    Nice way to start my day. Thanks

  7. Otis says:

    Very enjoyable, thanks for the read!

  8. Jennifer says:

    Love it Marko!

  9. Stephanie says:

    I appreciate the steer on the challenge.

    So I played.

  10. Tara Tyler says:

    That was great. Was just scary enough and perfectly funny. My 6 year old biffed one with a tennis ball to get him off our feeder last spring. Darn squirrels!

  11. Antibubba says:

    I kept waiting for him to find the bag of GMO seeds.

    Very good story.

  12. Sabra says:

    Great story. Interestingly, not the first zombie squirrel super short I’ve encountered.

  13. Me not you says:

    Loved it! Thanks Marko!

  14. Ed Skinner says:

    Wonderful. Thanks.
    Gotta go out back now with my air soft and annoy some pigeons.

  15. […] to say no to a challenge, but I had a look at some of the excellent entries (don’t miss Marko Kloos’s Seeds if you have bird feeders and the problems that come with […]

  16. Great story. Now I have to remember not to put seed out for the birds. My life doesn’t need zombie squirrels in it.

  17. Fred2 says:

    Dammit, I thought the the last line was gonna be: Can I borrow your .458 WinMag?

    If the splatter pulls itself together and hobbles off, I’d recommend calling in orbital artillery on your own position, after explaining why. “Nuke them from orbit, It’s the only way to be sure.”

  18. Valerie says:

    At that point, I’d switch to traps. Possibly bear traps. Nothing like a little zombie squirrel action to start the morning off right.

  19. CMStewart says:

    I’d be more than a little annoyed too if something kept shooting me while I was trying to eat. Well done!

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