your mother’s basement is not a secret superhero lair.

Your assignment for the day:

Try to think up a scenario where you use this thing for self-defense…and not look like a complete wackadoo in court. All the prosecutor would have to do is to walk around the room and hold up that knife with a stern expression on his face. Slam dunk.


15 thoughts on “your mother’s basement is not a secret superhero lair.

  1. Tam says:

    Tell them you got it because you couldn’t afford the Wolverine claws, and your bat’leth was too hard to CCW?

  2. Vinnie says:

    I just showed it to them and they hurt themselves laughing at me.

  3. Chang says:

    Cue a CNN exclusive in 3… 2… 1…

  4. Leatherwing says:

    Is there any way to hurt anyone with that without first hurting yourself? How do you hold it?

  5. AMB says:

    Yeah, pretty much the only option is if it actually belonged to your assailant. E.g.:

    “Your honor, when the roofies wore off I was in a terrible place. A dank, fetid layer, the walls lined with Rush posters and shelves of comic books. A hunched, sweating form was slowly coming towards me. As it approached, pushing its terrible, acne-pocked maw into my face, it said, in a wheezing voice: ‘Roll a saving through against sexy, baby.’ And with that, I reached out and grabbed the first thing I could find to defend myself. Grabbing the horribly designed batarang (slicing my hand in the process), I lashed out wildly. The beast fell back and, without stopping to see if it was truly vanquished, I staggered up a flight of stairs and out into the suburban sunshine.”

    • Tam says:

      ‘Roll a saving through against sexy, baby.’

      Oh. My. God. I absolutely lost my shit when I got to that part. (I started giggling at “when the roofies wore off…”)

      Bravo. Bravissimo, even. 😀

    • ATLien says:

      Well played, sir!

      1000 Internets to you!

  6. Matthew Carberry says:

    His collection of movie inspired cutlery resided in acid-free, archival quality, resealable, clear polypropylene storage bags bung carefully in a series of climate controlled safes lining the walls of his mother’s basement.

    Once per week each item was carefully and lovingly removed for oiling and what he preferred to call “maintenance”; at least until the terrible day when his sanctum was invaded, his lair violated and his future path made clear.

    As the villain forced his way through the locked but oh so frail screen door, his hand flew to the only weapon at hand, his black Batarang folding knife…

  7. perlhaqr says:

    “You see, your honor, I bought it as a joke, but being a knife enthusiast, I just had to clean up the atrocious sharpening job it had from the factory. So I was working on that when this guy kicked in the door of my house, and, well, it’s what I had on hand…”

  8. Jay G. says:

    Heh. I thought about that one night, ages ago, as I cleaned my Jennings. I picked it up to save it from a “Gun Buyback” at a price that – for any other firearm – would have been a steal, but for a Jennings, was rather overpriced. I figured better to lose a few bucks than to have it go to the smelter (although it would have died quickly…)

    I’m thinking to myself, here I am in a house full of guns, .45s, .357 Magnum, etc. and with my luck some dude’s gonna come crashing through my door when the only thing I have available is a Jennings .22LR. Oh, sure, I won’t mind losing it to “evidence”, but man, I would *NEVER* live it down…

  9. BobG says:

    We need to hear from an expert on stuff like that; anyone know how to contact Gecko45? 😉

    • Kristopher says:

      You have to turn the mall-ninja searchlight on the nearest cloud late at night, and he will come.

  10. Shootin' Buddy says:

    Pfffft, easy one.

    Seat only fellow Superheroes on the jury. However, I would recommend going with the second and third strings as they are more likely to emphathize with your client–you know, Hawkman, Aquaman, Starman, Red Tornado, inter alia.

    You don’t want Superman as jury foreman because he will just laugh at the puny weapon. A millionaire elitist like Batman would sneer at its cheap quality.

    Leave off the girls too–Wonder Woman, Jade, etc.–as they will likely laugh at your client as they have more sense than that.

  11. TV in WI says:

    “Well, uh, I was wearing this thing I found on da web, looked like a handlebar mustache, y’know,
    on my face, duct tape’s great, y’know, and dis guy comes up and is like all ‘tude and y’know
    and tries to knock my bowler hat off fer cripes sake, and then he punches me in the , y’know?? And there’s this, like, blood all over? And he’s holdin’ his hand and he has
    a ‘tude now? And there’s the cops and like, one of ’ems like, what the @#$% is that on yer face..?”

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