retail combat.

Tapping into radio traffic of the 304th Wal*Mart Loss Prevention Regiment, currently heavily engaged at Store #374:

“…confirm we are OUT of rainchecks…get Close Air Support on the horn pronto…”

“…combat engineers have welded a barrier out of shelving and garden rakes between Electronics and Toys…get some belt-feds up there as soon as you can…”

“…falling back to the service desk, requesting limited tactical nuclear release OH GOD THEY’RE EATING EACH OTHER IN HOUSEWARES…”

“…running low on ammo, holed up near Computers…”

“…remember: short, controlled bursts…”

“…they’ve broken through at Sporting Goods! Get the reserve battalion in there!”

“…Jackson’s gone, man…took a Blu-Ray player to the neck, severed his aorta…”

Yeah. Won’t be going near the shopping mile today, thank you very much.

5 thoughts on “retail combat.

  1. Murgy says:

    If Jackson was silly enough to wear his heart on his neck, he deserved it! Jugular or carotid slightly more exposed, up there. Still, the FNG’s are usually only good enough to get themselves killed in the retreat made necessary by their presence.

    Call in Food Court 6! They’re your last, best hope!

    • Have you seen “Girl, Interrupted”? There’s a scene where one of the residents in the mental hospital says, “Take one more step and I’ll jam this pen right into my aorta! Go ahead!” as she holds a pen to her neck. The nurse says, “Lisa, your aorta is in your chest.” Patient responds, “Good to know,” and hands the pen back.

  2. […] (Read The Whole Thing) or Tam letting her snark run around off-leash, eating bystanders and scaring babies: Desperate to apply jumper cables to the nipples of our moribund economy, the media has been giving the annual retail orgy known as “Black Friday” an inordinate amount of hype. […]

  3. RevolverRob says:

    Yesterday at Toys ‘R Us, the wife and I only had to engage two hordes of zombie moms and dads, they fell back readily when we engaged and used cover and controlled bursts to clear the Lego aisle. Additionally, when I tried to venture down the Hot Wheel aisle, a zombie mom swung around the corner and made a beeline for me, fortunately, I was able to get my sidearm out and get a controlled pair out to slow her down, then a headshot to close the deal.

    The register workers were heavily fortified and were able to control egress with relative ease.

    -Rob

  4. Joanna says:

    I had non-Black Friday-related errands to run, so I waited ’til about two o’clock before I headed out. Logic dictated that the really crazy people, having been out since the wee hours, would have worn out and gone home by then. Experience indicates I was right.

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