monday search term safari CIV.

“they was arguing over a beer”

That’s a really common and dangerous pastime in low-income areas. It often leads to faces being punched, and occasionally to caps getting busted in someone’s ass, which strikes me as a bit extreme in a dispute over what is invariably budget yellow pisswater.

dachshund dead

Q: How do you tell your dachshund is dead?

A: He’s not eating.

punched in the face

It’s what often happens when they was arguing over a beer just moments before.

solar moped

Please, someone make a Vespa powered by solar panels. Then we’ll have a photo op vehicle for green-energy-pushing politicians that’s even more ludicrous than the Segway.

washing machine dog

It may look like it’s the perfect doggie hot tub, but the little stinkers don’t do so well with the spin cycle. Dogs are “hand wash or professional clean only”.

knívleysur maður er lívleysur maður!

My favorite Viking proverb—“Knifeless man is lifeless man.” I still don’t understand why people would choose to not carry the most useful tool devised by our species, and it downright annoys me when they claim some sort of halo for their “civilized” attitude.

where is the serial number on an olivetti lettera 22 typewriter

It’s engraved on the metal frame in the right top corner of the body. You need to move the carriage to the left to see it.

easiest way to convert full auto marlin .22lr

Leaving aside the pointless nature of converting a 10-shot gun into a machine gun, what you’re Googling there is a federal felony that will get you an extended stay at Club Fed. Even if you could convert one easily (which you can’t), and you burp out your rimfire ammo in ten-round bursts—where are you going to shoot your highly illegal machine gun without drawing unwelcome attention?

how feasible is it to move to montana?

Pretty feasible, I think—find a place to live, rent a U-Haul, point toward Montana. You don’t even need a visa or exchange your currency, unless you’re from California. CA Government I.O.U.s are not valid tender outside of that state.

blade length in new hampshire

New Hampshire has abolished all restrictions on blade lengths and deployment mechanisms for knives. If it has a blade, you can buy, own, and carry it—switchblade, butterfly, gravity knife, Klingon p’tahk carver, whatever. Just don’t commit any crimes with it, and we’re good. Isn’t it just the height of paternalistic condescension when the state tells its citizens that they can’t be trusted with sharp things in public?


the return of monday search term safari.

With the WordPress switch to a different stats page, the search terms are once again getting interesting, so I’ve decided to revive the MSTS. Rejoice, citizens! This week’s take is a bit on the concise side, but bear with me as I get back into the groove with this thing.

got fucked by essay

Yeah, those essays can be players, can’t they? They open with a slick paragraph, and then win you over with logic and wit…and before you know it, you’re on your back at 2am in the morning, covered in print-outs of A Modest Proposal and The Essence of Humanism, face buried in the pages of a P.J. O’Rourke book. We’ve all been there, I think.

can you use any usb cable for alphasmart

Yes, any plain old standard A/B USB cable will work.

netbook versus alphasmart ad middle schoolers

One can be used for Facebook and porn and growing pot in FarmVille to sell in MafiaWars, the other one is good for nothing but writing. I’ll let you do the math there, Superintendent.

outragious comments by nancy grace

That could be either a better name for that twunt’s show, or a new perfume. “Outrageous Comments, by Nancy Grace. Ah, that scent of torches and hot blood. Smells like…mob justice.”  Or, for European flair, they can call it Pitchforque.

haggis girl porn

Congratulations–you win this week’s prize for Most Disturbing Fetish. And I’m from Germany, where we know disturbing fetishes.

2011 wrangler million dollar tour

Sadly, that one didn’t come to pass in 2011, mainly because of a lack of a million bucks. But tell you what–pass the hat around and send me a million dollars, and I’ll do a 2012 Wrangler Million Dollar Tour. It will involve a rented luxury bus, and scheduled stops at liquor stores in every one of the lower 48 states.

desk full of drinks

The answer is “What will you find in the hotel rooms at every genre writers’ convention or workshop?”

porsche carrabba

I’m guessing that’s the new Porsche model that comes from the factory with mediocre Italian take-out food in the glove box.

lever rifle and revolver combo

I like the idea. You can have both in the same caliber and feed them from the same ammo box. Plus, lever guns and revolvers are cool. In fact, they should just issue lever-action Winchesters and Ruger Vaqueros to every member of the armed forces, along with white Stetsons and spurs for their boots.

standing desks for sale

It’s really hard to find a reasonably priced one. They have the GeekDesk, which is electrically adjustable, but that one is $800 or more. I got my two standing desks from the fly-blown carcass of Borders when they closed shop. There are desks called “shipping desks” that are used in freight and shipping centers for paperwork, and those are all standing height (and more affordable than the GeekDesk.) In a pinch, you can always do what I did at first and put a $25 WalMart coffee table onto a regular desk.

That’s the take for this week. Now it’s up to you, Internets, to refill the search term repository with weird queries like “what is the purpose of raccoons” or “how i mine for viagra fuk gril”. Get to it!

monday search term safari CII.

gin licorice hate

If you hate both gin and licorice, there’s really no hope for you as a human being, and you should report to the Soylent Green vats. Gin is liquid Christmas, and licorice is a tasty treat, and that’s the end of that debate.

how does a fisher cat kill its prey

The fisher cat prefers the suppressed FN P90 Personal Defense Weapon. Sometimes, it kills with its sidearm. Some fisher cats have mastered the garrotte, too.

what are jack off booths like?


donald trump is a bad american

Look, I think the Donald is a narcissistic douchebag, but who’s the arbiter of what makes a good or bad American? He’s not advocating the burning of the Constitution, and I bet the guy has paid more taxes in his lifetime than 99% of his fellow citizens.

ww2 german typwriter keyface

Germany typewriters in WWII had the same key layout as the current-day ones, the QWERTZ. it has three keys with umlauts where the QWERTY has the semicolon and apostrophe. Some typewriters were specially made for use by the SS, and they have the double lightning SS rune on one of the number keys. You can still find them on eBay on occasion, if that type of thing yanks your crank.

american warmongers ww-i ww-ii korea vietnam

Ah, yes. The American warmongers were late to the party in WWI, what with not joining the war until 1917, three years after it was kicked off by Serbia and Austria. And they were only two years late for WWII, which was started by Germany. And how dare those imperialist pigs fight the peace-loving North Koreans, who only poured their tank divisions across the border into South Korea in 1950 to see the sights of Seoul and have some ice cream?

drecksack beer

A Drecksack is half beer and half cola. It’s the German version of “cheerleader beer”, a light summer drink that doesn’t hit the noggin too hard.

nvidia ion

The ION chipset mates an Atom netbook CPU with an Nvidia 9400 graphics chip. That, and the ION2 chipset, actually gives the rather anemic Atom systems some credible graphics grunt.

swords never run out of bullets

Yes, but a pistol is easier to carry around, has more reach, and doesn’t require as much training or upper body strength to use effectively. (Before the invention of the handgun, effective self-defense was limited to strong, young men.)

travel typewriter used in lives of others?

The little typewriter in The Lives Of Others is a Groma Kolibri. It’s about the size and flatness of a chunky 1990s laptop. They’re neat machines, made back in East Germany for export to countries with hard currencies.

popular scottish fast food

The Scots like their fast food deep-fried, and they’ll deep-fry anything: fish, haggis, Mars bars, Coca-Cola…

(And no, I’m not kidding, and yes, most of it is actually pretty damn good. Not exactly health food, though.)

is britain a gun free society

No, it isn’t. Britain is positively awash with guns. The main difference between the UK and the US is that over there, almost all the guns are limited to cops and criminals.

how to set fence posts in shallow soil on rock shelf?

With hollow fence posts, you can try drilling small-diameter holes, inserting steel rods, and then slipping the posts on top, so you don’t have to drill three-inch holes into your rock shelf. That’s what we will be trying this spring when we finally put up our chain link fence.

monday search term safari CI.

munchkin wrangler libertarian fairy tales

The most popular ones at Castle Frostbite are “The Three Little Pigs Learn That If You Own A Rifle, You Can Build Your House Out Of Any Damn Material You Want”, and “Goldilocks Violates Some Property Rights And Is Lucky She Doesn’t Get Shot In The Face”.

why was phrenology accepted by so many people?

People believe in all kinds of silly nonsense if the authority pitching it sounds like they know what they’re talking about. (Back when they came up with phrenology, in the early 19th century, it wasn’t considered a proper science by the academic establishment of the day.) Note that even though nobody consults a phrenologist anymore, people still flock to astrologers and palm readers, even though those have even less grounding in reality than phrenology. At least the phrenologists got a few things right–the brain regions do indeed have specific localized functions, so there are some analogs in modern neuroscience.

why everyone should own a pocket knife

Because you don’t want to open your bag of Rolos with your teeth like some frickin’ animal. A knife is the oldest and one of the most useful tools our species has invented. Why wouldn’t you own something that can be used to open boxes, cut rope, whittle wood, slice an apple, and shank dangerous people or delicious animals?

how to conceal a sword

What’s the matter, Connor Macleod? Is your trench coat at the dry cleaner’s? You could probably carry your katana in a golf bag or something. Or you could stop looking like a moron. Seriously–don’t carry a sword for self-defense. The bad guys will not flee in terror when you pull out your samurai blade, with the blade steel folded a million times in the ancient blade master forges of the Knife Shopping Network. And the people on the jury for your trial will mentally picture you in a straightjacket.

stuff you will see in your bathroom

I don’t know what your bathroom looks like, but ours is where we keep our toothbrushes, beauty products, towels, and shaving paraphernalia. Oh, yeah, and the shitter, of course. It’s like the centerpiece of the room.

is it the ink or the pen when a fountain pen doesn’t write well?

Could be the pen–damaged, misaligned, or just plain crappy nib, manufacturing residue in the feed that needs to be flushed out, or some other issue. Could be the ink, too–is it from, like, 1938? Also, some pens just don’t like certain inks, but will write wonderfully well with others. Come to think of it, it’s no wonder the world switched to ballpoint pens fifty years ago. (Some of us are holdouts because when the right pen and ink come together, the damn things write like nothing else.)

olympia typestyle 69 download

Find it here, courtesy of Richard Polt.

winter’s bone book vs movie

I actually liked the movie better than the book. Part of it is the appeal of Jennifer Lawrence, who plays Ree–she totally owns the role, and it’s a shame she didn’t get the Oscar for her performance. Part of it is the fact that the novel is a bit stilted in places, as if the author consciously put in the sort of lyrical descriptions that might get looked upon with favor by the Pulitzer committee. The movie is more straightforward and unembellished.

far horizon traders satchel review

The one my lovely wife bought me is now over a year old, and it’s just starting to wear in. At the current rate of wear, this thing ought to last me long enough to use as a medication satchel at Aspiration Acres in 2050.

sig sauer p229 9mm made in germany

The P229 isn’t entirely made in Germany. The frames are made in Germany, but the slides are made in the U.S., and the pistol is assembled in SIG’s plant over in Exeter, NH.

the lives of others typewriter kolibri

The typewriter in The Lives of Others is a Groma Kolibri, an East German travel typewriter made for export. The Gromas were well-made machines, and whenever one shows up on eBay, it rarely fetches less than $200. If you ever see one in a pawn shop or at Goodwill, and it doesn’t look like John Goodman used it for a bathroom scale while wearing muddy boots, you should buy it and send it to me. I will pay you twice the purchase price, and memorialize you in song and prose.

four weapons combat master

That’s a silly title some famous gun instructor invented, to bestow on himself and a few of his buddies. It’s nowhere near as impressive as my self-bestowed title of Five Condiment Sandwich Master. Seriously–what does that make the average infantry Marine or DEVGRU operator–Twenty-Nine Weapons Grand High Combat Wizard?


It’s Monday, so go out there and shake the week down for lunch money, friends and neighbors. I’m going to spend the week making shit up and writing it down, as always. Hey–it beats manual labor.


monday search term safari C.

Yes, friends and neighbors–we finally have enough new search terms in the blog stats to resume the Search Term Safaris on a semi-regular basis!  I know, I know…you are just overcome with joy.

sig p232

That’s the top search term that leads people to this blog, and it has been #1 for years, month after month.

The SIG P232 is a small-ish semi-automatic pistol in 9mm Kurz (.380ACP).  It looks like a bit of a dinosaur these days, with much smaller and lighter guns available in the same caliber, but I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for the P232.  It’s one of the most elegant handgun designs ever made, it’s very flat and easy to carry inside the waistband, and it’s much more comfortable to shoot than the little pocket .380s.  It also has better sights, and every P232 I’ve ever owned has been 100% reliable.  In fact, I think I just talked myself into getting another one of those.

olympia sm9

The SM9 is a typewriter made by the German company Olympia.  It’s a basket-shift machine with a sheet metal cover that lifts up like the hood of a car.  It’s not an elegant machine like a Remington No.5, for example, but it’s a rock-solid, dependable typing machine.  I have two of them–both were made in the 1960s, and both still work fine even after over 40 years of use.  Many professional writers favored the SM9 for its qualities.  Harlan Ellison still uses one, as does Paul Auster.

pelikan 205 demonstrator scratched

Clear “demonstrator” pens will get scuffs and scratches with use.  It’s pretty much unavoidable, unless you leave the pen in the box and never take it out.  It doesn’t hurt the pen’s function, so just use it the way it’s meant to be used, and don’t sweat it. Tools get marks.

parker 51 ink sacs

The Parker “51” comes in two versions.  The earlier Vacumatic models have a diaphragm in the back of the barrel, not an ink sac.  The later Aerometric models have what they called a “Pli-Glass” sac, which is PVC.  The Vacs can be fitted with a new disphragm, but that takes a special tool and is best done by an expert.  The Aeros don’t usually need sac replacement as the Pli-Glass sacs in those are extremely durable, and most of them still work well even after forty years of use.  They’re easier to re-sac than Vacs, too.

was twilight the movie a commercial or critical success?

Commercial? God, yes.  Critical? Not so much. (The same can be said for the novels that were the source material.)

can alphasmart neo be used as dedicated keyboard for computer

Yes. Hook it up to your PC or Mac with the included standard USB cable, and it acts like any other USB keyboard.

униформа Бундесвера 1960 годов

My mad Cyrilic skillz read that as “uniforma bundeswehra 1960 godov”, which I read to mean “uniforms of the Bundeswehr of the year 1960.” Back in 1960, the Bundeswehr issued olive green wool BDUs that were not the most comfortable.  (The troops gave them the nickname “Kraetzchen”, which means “Scratchies”.)

german berets

The German army issues berets as universal garrison headgear.  The color of the beret shows the wearer’s branch of service.  Infantry units have green berets.  Tankers have black ones, support units coral red, airborne and army aviation units burgundy red, medial corps blue, and Franco-German/German-Dutch brigades dark blue.  There’s a badge on the beret that further delineates the wearer’s specific branch, i.e. Fallschirmjaeger, signal corps, mechanized infantry, etc.

lever action gun fighting

The lever-action rifle, a.k.a. the Redneck Assault Rifle, wouldn’t be my very first choice for a social long gun, but it’s much better for that purpose than most people think.  One particular advantage is the ability to top off the gun during run & gun scenarios…”shoot one, load one”.  Your magazine tube only holds 6-10 rounds, but with some skill and frequent topping off, you always have a fully loaded gun.

dog tussled with raccoon-should i be treated with rabies shot?

That depends.  Your dog will definitely need a rabies booster. Did you get nipped, or get raccoon spit on your hands, and do you have nicks or wounds?  Did the raccoon wander off, or do you have the body for the Fish & Wildlife folks in your state to test it for rabies?  Rabies shots for people are no fun, but dying of a rabies infection is even less fun.

is a fishercat dangerous to toddlers?

I wouldn’t want to toss one into a playpen with a toddler, that’s for sure.  It’s a twenty-pound weasel with sharp teeth and claws.  However, the fisher cat’s natural habitat is the Great Outdoors, where you shouldn’t let your toddler roam without supervision.

dark tower david is my weapon

When writing action scenes, writers always have to choose between what makes sense, and what would be totally bad-ass.  When Stephen King has Roland choose his hawk as a weapon for the graduation fight with his instructor, King went for “totally bad-ass”.

legal blade length new hampshire

New Hampshire has no restrictions on knife carry.  There is no limit on blade length or operating mechanism.  You can carry folders, fixed blades, balisongs, automatic knives, gravity knives, or whatever else you want, and it doesn’t matter how long the blade is.

fountain pen stands

There are nice hand-made ones out there, but if you’re on a budget, you can use a $6 toothbrush stand from the WalMarts.

berretta slide trick in lethal weapon

They cheated in the movie…shocker, I know.  In the infamous “pull the slide off the Beretta” scene, Mel Gibson’s Beretta 92F already had the takedown lever rotated into the downward position.  Jet Li only had to grab the barrel and slide assembly and yank it off the gun.  In real life, that trick doesn’t work, unless the operator of the Beretta has the reflexes of a slug on Thorazine.

contents of a teacher’s pockets

With the teachers I know, it’s probably something along these lines: iPod, hip flask, loaded .38 snubbie, valium, Pepto-Bismol, Taser gun, and veterinary-strength tranquilizer darts.


That’s it for today. Do your duty and feed me some wacky search terms, so I can resume the MSTS as a regular feature, hmm-kay?


monday search term safari XCIX.

olympia typewriter key with 4 dots

That’s the Margin Release key.  When you hit your margins, you can press that button and type beyond the hard margin on the current line, thereby letting you squeeze in that extra letter or two.

marten vs dog

Inasmuch as the classification “dog” includes everything from a teacup Yorkie to a 200+ pound mastiff or Great Dane, I need more detail to wager a prediction on your mustelid/canine death match.

fencing in shallow soil

You’ll either need to install a fence that doesn’t require posts, or rent a rock drill.

letters to family hand write or type

I prefer hand-writing, but even a typed letter would be nice to receive in the mail.  Few people send letters these days, so getting one in your mailbox is a rare pleasure.

state of the art laptop in 1998

In 1998, the laptop to have was the then-new Apple Powerbook G3 “Wallstreet”.  I drooled over those for years, and finally snagged a cheap one off eBay in 2003-ish.  They’re still quite useful, albeit a bit on the portly side compared to modern laptops.  Their keyboards are still the best ones ever put on a laptop.

best army folding knife

I’m quite happy with my GAK (German Army Knife), a Victorinox Trekker with olive-green scales and a reversed serration pattern on the blade.  It’s just a pocket knife, though, and probably no better or worse than most other lowest-bidder military issue pocket knives.

wwii german leather stassi jacket

The Stasi was the internal secret police of communist East Germany, which didn’t exist until after WWII.  What you’re looking for is probably the leather coat associated with the Gestapo, the Nazi-era secret police. Contrary to popular belief, however, the Gestapo agents didn’t wear a special identifying piece of clothing, and wore regular civilian suits instead to blend in.  In occupied territories, they wore the gray SS field uniform without rank devices, to avoid being mistaken for partisans.

munchkinwrangler caudill nugent

Short version of the story: The Nuge’s ghostwriter used one of my essays for Ted, White and Blue without permission, my lawyer made grumbly noises, and they paid me and corrected the attribution in the paperback version.

bundeswehr recon dress uniform

There are no special dress uniforms beyond the standard ones for the three services, with one exception*.  All German Army units wear the Kleiner Dienstanzug for a dress uniform.  It’s a gray jacket worn with slate-colored pants and the beret of the wearer’s branch.  There’s no “Recon” branch in the German Army–the two branches that do recon work are the Fernspaeher (Long Range Reconnaissance Patrol) and the Panzeraufklaerer (Armored Reconnaissance/Scouts).  Both wear the golden yellow piping and collar tabs of the Reconnaissance arm, but the Fernspaeher wear the maroon beret of airborne units, and the Panzeraufklaerer wear the black beret of armored units.

*The exception are the Gebirgsjaeger (mountain troops), who wear a shortened gray dress jacket, mountain boots, and mountain dress cap with Edelweiss.  Their piping and collar tabs are green, the color of the infantry.  They do not wear berets.


Hey, look! At long last, another Monday Search Term Safari. You may all rejoice now.

a brief search term safari.

i found mouse turds in my cabinet

I’m not a detective, but that evidence suggests that you may have mice in the house.  (Either that, or it’s a very clever trail of false clues, prepared by a cabal of rogue chipmunks to distract you from the real menace.  They’re cute, but devious.)

clown’s dressing room

Can’t miss it. It’s the one down the hall at Fox News. Says “Glenn Beck” on it.

should my letter be typed or handwritten

That depends.  A business letter should always be typed/printed.  A personal letter is more, uh, personal if it’s handwritten.  If the recipient can’t read your handwriting for some reason (bad eyesight, your atrocious longhand, the color scheme of your crayons, etc.), then it’s also acceptable to send a typed personal letter.

cubic fuck ton of guns

That will be the name of my gun store, if I ever start one.

what the fuck is wrong with you stupid

And that will be the name of my newspaper self-help column, if I ever write one.

no tears shampoo

That marketing claim is a vile lie.  Get it into their eyes, and it’s most definitely not “no tears”.  Then it’s more like “Battery Acid (Now With Melon Scent!)”

how to write straight on thick unlined paper

If your paper is so thick that guide sheets don’t show through, you can either a.) practice a lot, or b.) pre-line the pages lightly with a fine pencil, and then erase the lines later.  Method a.) is less work in the long run.

atomic wrangler sex

That’s the only kind we practice here at Castle Frostbite.  Saturday nights are epic up in this place.

add bate to fake chz mouse traps?

No, no, no.  The bate is for you, so you can wait by the fake chz mouse trap with bated breath.


That’s all that was left this week after subtracting all the uninteresting or disturbing search terms.  (And you with the strange fetish involving auto-erotic stimulation and hobos: seek help. Seriously.)